I just reread these entries before I posted them and no, I’m not bipolar- the emotional roller coaster is just that intense!! Happy riding…


14/01/08 (happy birthday maryam!)

A new day, a new word document, a new house- now a home. The same ole me. I was reminded of that the other day when I had my first big cry. A friend, part of my ‘emotional immune system’ as Peace Corps likes to call it, sent me the following words:

“Just remember to be patient and gentle with yourself and your new life. But remember, it’s not 100% new….there are many things you know- about you, people, community, life, happiness, strengths, balance, struggles, laughter, supports, and love. And you have to trust yourself. Remember, sunshine is on its way.”

“remembering” is an important concept here- there are many times where I need to take time to reflect on where I’ve come from, what I’ve learned, the experiences I’ve had, and the people who support me in order to make it through the day, or the hour for that matter. In an attempt to be continually culturally sensitive, not ethno or ego-centric, and constantly aware of my surroundings and actions I fluctuate between confidence in my abilities and self and feeling like I have nothing to offer. Fortunately for the people of Nkurenkuru the latter rises up less and less frequently while I try to find a balance between doing and being.

Four days ago I walked along a tarred road with my fellow Peace Corps trainees towards our swearing in ceremony. We walked slowly there and slowly back as we tried to wrap our heads around finally becoming Volunteers and officially starting our two years of service. It’s hard to imagine that we’ve been here for two months, had so many ups and downs together and we are just now starting. Our bonds are deep because of being thrown into this country together and we are all experiencing a bitter sweet emotion as we have to say goodbye to one another as we travel to our individual corners of Namibia.

In my region, Kavango, there are a handful of 26ers and then 5 of us from Group 27. Chaz is about 60k away which is nice- he and I have become good friends and work well together so I’m sure we’ll be doing workshops in each others villages as a team. He is from Cincinnati and we know some similar people so it’s nice to reminisce on the familiar streets of home when we are together.

The swearing in ceremony was wonderful. It was extremely hot and pretty long but there was an empowering air in the room. It was televised nationally and one of the most amazing parts was when one volunteer from each language group gave a speech in their language. The Namibians in the room were loving how the Americans had ‘mastered’ their local languages and to hear the gasps and see the smiles when sentences came to a close was beautiful. I was filled with pride for my fellow volunteers.

My first night in my home Chaz was with me- he didn’t have a ride all the way to his site so he ended up staying for two days. Once you hit Rundu, the largest town in our region, there isn’t a paved road west so driving at night isn’t the safest idea. It was nice to have some company so we didn’t mind. We cooked Chakalaka- veggie curry and cabbage- and chapattis and then watched Holiday Inn! I watch that every year with my family during Christmas and so it was a nice homecoming to sit on my couch and watch itJ When I was here for my site visit Chaz was also around because the driver taking him from Rundu to his site was drunk, so he got out and stayed here before getting a hike back to Mpungu the following day. In Namibia if you are seen walking around alone or spending a lot of time with a person of the opposite sex it is assumed that you are romantically together. When I got back I had people greeting me in the streets then before we departed they would say “please greet your husband for me!” This is a tiny place- and most folks here think Chaz and I are married- in fact we were in training together too in Grootfontein and found out the entire town thought we were married too!! This is only funny/great because both of us are gay and that is highly frowned upon here, so it’s to our benefit that everyone thinks we’re together. We have fun with it and have stopped trying to explain to people that we’re ‘just friends.’ My supervisor actually put a big bed in my house instead of a twin bed “for the big man when he visits.” Hey, now I have a big bed so I’m not complaining!

There isn’t a whole lot of fresh produce inside our market but some women are selling goods right outside- what they have varies but I like to support them when I can. I bought some leafy green something the other day and decided to cook it last night. I think it’s a kind of cabbage spinach hybrid- ha, I don’t know and I didn’t know the rukwangali word they were telling me- I cooked it down with carrots, ginger, onion, green beans and some spices and it was surprisingly delicious! I’ll call it Somehow Cabbage Delight. We have a peace corps Namibia cookbook and so cooking/baking has become one of my favorite coping mechanisms. I’m trying a new recipe every night and Chaz and I are going to spend one weekend of the month sharing new things- gee, we are a cute couple aren’t we!

Work started today- at 8am I went to the health facility and met a new nurse fresh from UNAM (University of Namibia). Her name is Aina and she is also learning Rukwangali. We’re around the same age and both know few people here so we are thankful to have each other. I’m looking forward to spending time with her socially and with my work. I’ll be spending the next three months doing some heavy integration into the community and continuing with language practice. My days will be divided into three parts- community meetings with organizations and individuals, going through all of the peace corps materials that were provided for us to assist with our work, and two hours of language. I’m getting a tutor that I’ll meet with twice a week so I’m looking forward to where I’ll be in a few months. There are 8 different organizations present in Nkurenkuru all working on HIV/AIDS issues- TCE Total Control of the Epidemic, Red Cross, Sakulya Ngandu Sakulineya Youth Group, ELCIN Home Based Care (Lutheran church), Youth Home Based Care, Ketupuko Mapilelo Buddy Group, Life and Childline, and Community Counselors. Each organization is made up of volunteers, just 2 or 3 people and there aren’t any offices or buildings so for meetings they either use space at the health facility or at the Town Council. I’m having a community meeting Wednesday to meet them all again and to set up individual meetings so I can better understand what they do and they can share their expectations of my role over the next two years. My main focus is capacity building and sustainability of projects so that when I’m gone there won’t be a gap rather more equipped and empowered people to carry out their own objectives.

My first step in community integration was going to church Sunday. The Lutheran church is right outside my house so I walked over at 9:30 and greeted the elders and sat on the stoop with everyone until doors were opened at 10:15. The service lasted until 1:00pm. Around 11 Naomi called so I stepped out for a bit which I thought might be rude at first but when I came back I sat outside with two other women waiting to enter then 30 kids came from “Sunday school” and hung out with us for about 30mins before we were let in again. I think it was important to spend time with them giggling and having them stare at me- they will just stare and some touch my hair as if I’m an alienJ But we went in, the ladies saved a seat for me and a few minutes later I was brought to the front of the church by my supervisor to introduce myself….in Rukwangali!! My heart was beating out of my chest but I did just fine and am looking forward to spending more time there. I tried to make a joke and it flopped but I think the congregation will give me some grace…!

I’m in better spirits at this moment- moreso than the past two days. I couldn’t pinpoint my emotion but I embraced whatever it was and feel stronger in spite of the weird low I was experiencing.

17/01/08

So, the meeting went well. All of the groups I had met in November showed up and we were glad to see each other again. The meeting was quite long and inefficient but that seems to be the nature of the beast around here. I’ve got some energetic folks who know how they can utilize me and some others that I’m sure see me as someone they have to babysit but starting next week I’ll have individual meetings and we’ll be able to talk about what the next months will look like for all of us. My ‘office’ is something straight out of a horror film. Thank goodness I won’t have to be there in the evening, I’d be a little frightened. An overgrown plot of land sits outside my window and Aina and I are getting it cleared to start a garden with homeless TB patients as an income generating opportunity. I’m really looking forward to that. She and I also started a garden in my backyard tonight- we plowed and raked three plots and should be planting some veggies tomorrow. I live in a little compound so I’m hoping the neighbors will chime in and we’ll have a nice community garden going. My work day is from 8-5 with an hour for lunch at 1:00pm. The entire country shuts down from 1-2 for lunch and to rest. It’s pretty funny, I’ll spend a whole morning literally not doing nothing and at 1 my supervisor will say “oh you must go rest, you are done for the day.” It will be my personal challenge to integrate but not to a point of laziness- it’s easy to follow that direction and nap for the rest of the day in this heat! I’m sure things will pick up soon thoughJ

So my village is becoming a town. It is so exciting to be here during this transition time. There is so much room for positive development and so many possibilities for young people that I feel very lucky to be here. There are a lot of resources in the country for projects for those who mobilize themselves and I’ve already got folks looking to me for a helping hand. A few days ago in the midst of my sadness I thought two years seemed like forever but I’m sure it won’t be enough time to do all that we want to accomplish!! One day at a time….

Today there was a ceremony for the official opening of the Mpungu Constituency Offices. The Minister of Immigration and Residential Living (that might be wrong..) is from Nkurenkuru and she paid us a visit as the keynote speaker for the event. It was a really great ceremony and again there is so much to be excited for. She charged the youth to be the pillars of the community, organize themselves, ask for funds, and create their own projects. The good thing about such a big country/small town phenomenon of this place is that we can write proposals and mention her remarks and funds are “sure” to come our way.

After the reception I visited the other church in the town, a catholic church- it was nice to meet with the church leaders and I’ll be speaking there this Sunday. When we left we were talking a little bit in Rukwangali and a woman passed and I greeted her. I put out my hand to shake and she said no, picked up her things, and walked away saying something over and over. I asked my friend what she was saying and he said ‘oh she won’t shake your hand because you are learning rukwangali so fast that she is embarrassed!” she walked off into the distance and shouted from afar “ah, she has only been here four days and already knows more than me!” haha, now before you get too impressed, I don’t know that much but if you know even a little people are pretty impressed. She is an Ovambo and apparently they are stubborn with learning other peoples languages so she was quite impressed with me.

20/01/08

random fact: there are no landfills here- big ones. The system for trash is piles of garbage on the side of the road in the location and the municipality lights it on fire once a week. If you’re in a village there is just a large hole in the ground where you throw your stuff in…and light it on fire. Hmmm…

24/01/08

Hardest week yet. I’ve seen some things I never thought I’d see and felt emotions I never thought I’d feel. I knew pain, sadness, poverty, corruption like this existed in the world I just didn’t know when/if ever I would see it with my own eyes. Before I left I spouted off ‘facts’ from Peace Corps- “the first three months are great because everything is new an your energy is high and life is great, the next three are awful and you’re sad and overwhelmed, and before you know it it’s month 7 and you feel at home and are comfortable and content.” Ok, so our training was 2 months, it was ‘great and amazing’ now I’m on cycle number 2- the sad and overwhelming prediction is more than true. I’m finding new ways to cope everyday. One of my favorite coping mechanisms the past week has been to cry, all, the, time. Fortunately I’ve tested the waters with some of my colleagues and they have been able to provide much needed comfort. Walking out my door in the morning has become a challenge but once I can do that the rest of the day seems to happen, good or bad. Paralyzing moments have left me in small states of shock but I’ve been pulling from all the energy out there of people wishing me well and that has helped. I probably couldn’t get more vague but it is near impossible to describe all of the layers involved with seeing a mans brains coming out of his head only to be loaded into a truck to drive 30km down a gravel road to the hospital, or that the TB ‘ward’ doubles as the HIV ward, or that in the midst of bloody children and women with faces of gravel from a car wreck someone asks ME where gloves are….uhm, this is day five, I’m not really sure sir. Sickness and injury are everywhere but this is the first time I’ve been around such things in an environment that has no resources, smells like urine, and has roaches scurrying in between the bags of mahongu- people pay with that because they don’t have money…

My emotions have been all over the place. My supervisor was gone this week because his cousin was eaten by a crocodile. I saw him today and couldn’t keep it together. I’m not bawling all over the place but when I walk out my door no one knows me (which adds to the emotions) and I just couldn’t answer “im fine” to anyone else. He saw the sadness in my face and asked “what, did someone beat you?” he was serious. We went to his office and talked for an hour and a half. I’ve had some ups and downs with him but he was surprisingly compassionate and comforting. He told me all of the horrible things about the health facility and funding obstacles and other roadblocks to providing care and assured me that if I give it time I’ll get used to the conditions and situations and I’ll be stronger like everyone else. Then he suggested that as a volunteer I could connect them with donors to get renovations. I didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to explain that it’ll take more than paint and computers to ‘fix’ a place/system like this. We just set up a meeting…

So, I’m in the midst of all of this and attempting to write a job description for myself. I have three months to feel my way around this place and see where I best fit in. So far I’ve been asked to assist (do) on projects such as create a bike co-op that will provide transportation for home based care health workers tending to homebound persons living with HIV and bicycle ambulances, building a youth center that will have a soup kitchen, ARV center, a few garden projects to help support PLWHA (people living with hiv/aids) because they have to take ARV’s on a full stomach but don’t have any food, teach colleagues how to use computers, create income generating projects, renovate the health center of course, and yeah, maintain sanity. I still have five groups to meet with but I’m not committing to anything yet, just seeing where the energy is and how we can all work together since the issue is the same. I facilitated a meeting with UMYA (United Methodist Youth Organization) the other day- that was definitely my rose for the week, like Peter says, small groups are the only way- there were eight of them and that’s exactly what we did. For the first discussion I had girls and guys mixed and the women didn’t say a word- I divided them men and women for the second round of questions and you couldn’t keep them quiet! We had a dreaming session and are just planting seeds right now but the group is brand new and I think I’m going to work with them a lot. BUT…we’ll see. One day at a time- this week it was one hour at a time…


Now that I’m settled I think I’ll be able to make it to a computer once a month so I hope to have shorter but more frequent posts.

I’m sending your way and hoping in return love, gratitude, hope, compassion and patience for one another and our world.