I stood watching the Violet Backed Starling fly over my head. Again I could only clearly see the white of her underbelly and just a hint of darkness on the top. I kept trying to make out if it was purple I was seeing or black like the BouBou. Suddenly it reversed direction and flew back to sit on my shoulder. I was so excited! It was indeed the starling! I’ve wanted to see this bird for so long! I asked friends to quickly take a picture so I could capture this moment when all of a sudden, the bird started to attack me. Digging into my shoulder with her claws then pecking at my head. I thought it was friendly at first but she kept pecking and when I turned to look she didn’t appear to be a bird at all. She was wiry and almost green, the purple and white feathers were still there but my dream bird was now a painful nightmare.
Then I woke up…..
Yesterday I had a moment with myself in the morning I’m referring to it as a revelation. It was more so an understanding, a deeper understanding or realization of truth. Not my truth or yours, but truth as it is…
I have this small book called Mediations from Conversations with God. Jori gave it to me before I left. It’s full of small passages about different topics from death to money to war to self-awareness etc. I refer back to it often and when I have a thought I add it into the book and I’m going to give it back to Jori when I return. I was reading it this morning and I came across one note that I had written on November 19 of last year responding to a meditation about death. I wrote about how it scares me and I don’t know if I believe in a higher power or after life and so on; I just sounded scared and confused....I smiled this morning because I couldn't feel further from that....I've evolved so far past that feeling.... yesterday I wrote this:
"I wrote that last year....I feel so different from that feeling
expressed...I’m smiling. When our body dies the fruit it bears is the
birth of our soul. I want to love my body even more now! I want my soul
to have a beautiful place to BE. When my body dies, I want my soul to
remember a good life, not trapped in my body, but rather having spent many
many years in a sanctuary."
I think my dream this morning was connected to my understanding yesterday.
Things are not as they seem…when we think about something being a certain way, it will be that until we open our minds eye to what it actually is…
Birds represent freedom, community, unity. I’ve been searching for the violet backed starling for a few months now with no avail. The harder I search the further away she seems to be. But if I let go, free myself from expectations, knowledge of where she resides during the summer months, understanding of what she represents to me, I will find her. Or I won’t. :)
There’s no either or. There just is….
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
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