Today is a good day:)
I'm still in my pj's after four hours of work- haven't had time to
change! I was up with the sun this morning and called Amanda to wish
her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! This is a special treat because it costs so
much to call even locally so it was just a quick greeting:) I then
was planning to eat and write for an hour before my tutor, Ester, came
over but she was a bit early. So we chatted as I ate breakfast. We
usually eat together but she hasn't been feeling well lately. Her
story is pretty intense- she is in mid to late thirties and has two
children. Her first born is from her first 'husband' (culturally, if
you live with someone they are considered your husband). He was a
good man, good heart she says but after sometime he and her brother
got in a fight and the brother was killed. This angered the entire
family and she was outcast from them but her mother wouldn't let her
leave home. Her parents blamed her for her brother's death and she
tried to kill herself as a result. She was rushed to the hospital
after taking some pills and then had to stay at her mother's house as
she recovered. She wanted to leave again but knew it would add even
more shame to her mother so she relented in staying.
After some time, she snuck out at night to go to Grootfontein to look
for work. Once she had a job and was able to send money back to the
family she contacted her mom and all was fine. Eventually she met
another man and they started staying together and eventually moved to
Walvis Baai to look for new jobs. The son came along but this new
husband would beat him when Ester was away because he was lighter
skinned and not his own child. Ester didn't want to disturb the
husband so she and her son kept quiet and let it happen. When the man
started serving the boy toilet water, sleeping with the babysitter and
denying his HIV status to everyone, Ester decided it was finally time
to leave him. He told her she was a mad woman because she wouldn't
sleep with her husband but in reality they were both positive at this
point and she didn't want to get re-infected. The whole situation was
a mess, she finally moved back to Nkurenkuru, bringing the now HIV
positive babysitter with her and her two children and has been here
looking for work since 2006. She is part of one of the sewing
projects I'm helping out and is now my tutor. WHEW- that was my
breakfast story this morning- it has the potential to depress me but
it's one of thousands of stories I'm hearing everyday- and I get
strength from her. She works very hard, tries to care for her
children, and has a positive attitude. She said she has a home in
heaven and will not be sad when she dies. She is not scared of dying
but just wants to make sure her children are fine before she goes. It
is kind of twisted that she thinks she'll be dead in a year- that kind
of talk is hard to stomach but she doesn't even need ARV's at this
point so I'm hoping with the extra income from the sewing project and
the tutoring that she'll be able to afford not only school fees and
uniforms for her kids but also nutritious food for herself to stay
healthy.
In the middle of our lesson Anastasia visited and brought me enough
nongomene for the entire village! (It's the traditional bean that I
have a picture of in a bowl in an earlier post). It was a thank you
gesture because I went to her field Wednesday for some last minute
questions about her proposal for their sewing project. In the West
you would pick up the phone or send an email to ask a series of
questions that would take no more than 5 minutes but here I walked an
hour there and an hour back for that same convo:) But in the West you
wouldn't get a gifty for a 5 minute convo either so I dig the pay
off;) When she left Ester helped me clean the beans and taught me how
to cook them, we drank tea and she took off. Right then Ndadi had me
meet him to hand off a parcel before he left for a meeting so I rushed
out of the house, greeted him, visited the folks working in the garden
(yahooooooooo!!) and dropped Anastasia's proposal off at the Regional
Council. THEN I went to the post and received two cards from my
Grandma and a letter from my Grandpa. I read them under a tree and
had the biggest smile on the walk back home.
These are the things to live for I suppose- love from home,
traditional food gifty's, being a listening ear for someoneelse's
struggles….baby steps my friends, teeny tiny baby steps:)
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Power of Perspective
Jori gave me the book “Meditations from Conversations with God” right before I left. This book has been particularly helpful lately as I’ve started a new routine in the mornings with processing thoughts through journaling. Usually I read something out of the book then start writing from there. The meditations are always quite timely- I’d like to share the one from this morning:
On bad people
I am going to tell you this: there are no “rotten apples.” There are only people who disagree with your point of view on things, people who construct a different model of the world. I am going to tell you this: no persons do anything inappropriate, given their model of the world.
This struck me for many different reasons. First, a little bit of background. I’ve realized lately that I have never in my life been so _______with a group of people or a process until this job here. I can’t find the right word to put there. “Frustrated” is something that comes to mine but that word carries a negative connotation that doesn’t describe my emotion. I’m not aggravated, discouraged, upset or any other word the thesaurus brings up in connection with ‘frustration’. Maybe ‘curious’ is a better word….would love input from any of you reading:) The way I described it to my Mom was that this feeling must resemble parenting. You can’t reason or get angry with a three year old- it’s just silly, but they still drive you crazy at times! Namibia is at an infantile stage when it comes to developing as a Nation. They only received their independence 18 years ago and are still “ironing out the wrinkles in the prom dress” – one of my favorite quotes from JJ.
My Monday meetings used to completely drain me. With the combination of all of the cultural differences in communication not to mention the actual language difference and working with volunteers in a setting where “volunteer” means you get some sort of monetary compensation (and you expect an identifying t-shirt, ID badge and umbrella) makes my job as a facilitator increasingly difficult.
We’ve transplanted veggies from their seed beds to new beds in the garden and in a month or so we’ll be harvesting. At this point interest seems to be slowly dying and/or people are realizing that they are putting in all of this hard work for food that they are giving away. Where I am, there isn’t a culture of volunteering where your only reward is altruistic goodness you feel when lending a helping hand. Priorities are different and even though the family unit is very strong, and everyone is related in Nkurenkuru, in a broad sense, people are still looking out for themselves. Fine, that I understand, that I will not argue with- but it’s the lack of communication that gets me. If people knew they would want the food for themselves even though it is their responsibility to care for others who are home bound with HIV, why then, in four months of discussion about a community garden, didn’t someone bring up this issue? I know why. That’s not a question for outsiders to answer- but I did pose that question to the group in an attempt to begin addressing the HUGE gap between theory and practical application of one’s vision.
My community has the right dialogue- “we want to help our brothers and sisters by getting them food so they can take their ARV’s” but now that there is food they want it for themselves. “it’s stigma and discrimination that is killing us, not the disease” but then comments like “oh, that one. That one is positive (in a secret mildly disgusted tone)” follow quickly. They talk about communication and collaboration as if that is what they know but really it’s what they have heard and think might work. But again, putting that into practice had become a challenge that left me in a daze and in need of some serious brain numbing at the end of the day.
I started this by saying that Monday meetings used to drain me. I have realized a few things that help me not carry so much of the weight around these issues. Bringing the beginning passage back to my community of Nkurenkuru and my time here, it helps to read those words at the end: “no persons do anything inappropriate, given their model of the world.” Understanding this in a new way helps me set aside negative emotions like frustration and anger. The reason why these two are so taxing is because they are often misplaced emotions aimed at a target that doesn’t align directly with ones model of the world. When we are angry or frustrated we may not be thinking clearly and able to see the bigger picture like we usually do when things are going smoothly. In these moments meditating on or being mindful of the power of perspective is necessary in order to channel strength and wisdom to the forefront of my mind.
Compassion is taking on a new meaning too- a deeper meaning that roots me here in a new way. “A compassionate person develops an eye for spotting the qualities that make each person special. Even when others are at their lowest ebb, it is possible to help them restore their self belief by keeping a firm, clear vision of their goodness and their specialties. Taking a gently encouraging approach, I must never give up on anyone.” This was a meditation passed on from Ana that has helped me to add new weight to the word ‘compassion’ and to work within this culture. I need to hone in on planting seeds. That is as far as my reach will touch here and even though I recognized that bigger picture long ago, coming to terms with it while being here has been a longer journey. Also, balancing the “be” and the “do” while also recognizing that the “be” is the “do” helps to keep me sane, productive, and able to cultivate positive thoughts instead of the intense feeling of defeat that has the potential to infiltrate most days.
Modeling collaborative behavior and follow-through will help water the seeds planted in those with whom I work. Even if I never see the flower that will bloom I’ll still be able to enjoy the process and stop feeling like a hamster on speed in that never ending wheel. At least when I look out from that wheel I’m in this beautiful country surrounded by good intentions and bright smiles- and that’s pretty darn cool:)
On bad people
I am going to tell you this: there are no “rotten apples.” There are only people who disagree with your point of view on things, people who construct a different model of the world. I am going to tell you this: no persons do anything inappropriate, given their model of the world.
This struck me for many different reasons. First, a little bit of background. I’ve realized lately that I have never in my life been so _______with a group of people or a process until this job here. I can’t find the right word to put there. “Frustrated” is something that comes to mine but that word carries a negative connotation that doesn’t describe my emotion. I’m not aggravated, discouraged, upset or any other word the thesaurus brings up in connection with ‘frustration’. Maybe ‘curious’ is a better word….would love input from any of you reading:) The way I described it to my Mom was that this feeling must resemble parenting. You can’t reason or get angry with a three year old- it’s just silly, but they still drive you crazy at times! Namibia is at an infantile stage when it comes to developing as a Nation. They only received their independence 18 years ago and are still “ironing out the wrinkles in the prom dress” – one of my favorite quotes from JJ.
My Monday meetings used to completely drain me. With the combination of all of the cultural differences in communication not to mention the actual language difference and working with volunteers in a setting where “volunteer” means you get some sort of monetary compensation (and you expect an identifying t-shirt, ID badge and umbrella) makes my job as a facilitator increasingly difficult.
We’ve transplanted veggies from their seed beds to new beds in the garden and in a month or so we’ll be harvesting. At this point interest seems to be slowly dying and/or people are realizing that they are putting in all of this hard work for food that they are giving away. Where I am, there isn’t a culture of volunteering where your only reward is altruistic goodness you feel when lending a helping hand. Priorities are different and even though the family unit is very strong, and everyone is related in Nkurenkuru, in a broad sense, people are still looking out for themselves. Fine, that I understand, that I will not argue with- but it’s the lack of communication that gets me. If people knew they would want the food for themselves even though it is their responsibility to care for others who are home bound with HIV, why then, in four months of discussion about a community garden, didn’t someone bring up this issue? I know why. That’s not a question for outsiders to answer- but I did pose that question to the group in an attempt to begin addressing the HUGE gap between theory and practical application of one’s vision.
My community has the right dialogue- “we want to help our brothers and sisters by getting them food so they can take their ARV’s” but now that there is food they want it for themselves. “it’s stigma and discrimination that is killing us, not the disease” but then comments like “oh, that one. That one is positive (in a secret mildly disgusted tone)” follow quickly. They talk about communication and collaboration as if that is what they know but really it’s what they have heard and think might work. But again, putting that into practice had become a challenge that left me in a daze and in need of some serious brain numbing at the end of the day.
I started this by saying that Monday meetings used to drain me. I have realized a few things that help me not carry so much of the weight around these issues. Bringing the beginning passage back to my community of Nkurenkuru and my time here, it helps to read those words at the end: “no persons do anything inappropriate, given their model of the world.” Understanding this in a new way helps me set aside negative emotions like frustration and anger. The reason why these two are so taxing is because they are often misplaced emotions aimed at a target that doesn’t align directly with ones model of the world. When we are angry or frustrated we may not be thinking clearly and able to see the bigger picture like we usually do when things are going smoothly. In these moments meditating on or being mindful of the power of perspective is necessary in order to channel strength and wisdom to the forefront of my mind.
Compassion is taking on a new meaning too- a deeper meaning that roots me here in a new way. “A compassionate person develops an eye for spotting the qualities that make each person special. Even when others are at their lowest ebb, it is possible to help them restore their self belief by keeping a firm, clear vision of their goodness and their specialties. Taking a gently encouraging approach, I must never give up on anyone.” This was a meditation passed on from Ana that has helped me to add new weight to the word ‘compassion’ and to work within this culture. I need to hone in on planting seeds. That is as far as my reach will touch here and even though I recognized that bigger picture long ago, coming to terms with it while being here has been a longer journey. Also, balancing the “be” and the “do” while also recognizing that the “be” is the “do” helps to keep me sane, productive, and able to cultivate positive thoughts instead of the intense feeling of defeat that has the potential to infiltrate most days.
Modeling collaborative behavior and follow-through will help water the seeds planted in those with whom I work. Even if I never see the flower that will bloom I’ll still be able to enjoy the process and stop feeling like a hamster on speed in that never ending wheel. At least when I look out from that wheel I’m in this beautiful country surrounded by good intentions and bright smiles- and that’s pretty darn cool:)
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