For the last few nights I’ve been sitting on my stoop outside my front
door watching the moon rise over the Acacia tree in my neighbor’s
yard.  Whether eating my dinner, reading a book or just staring off
into the beautiful African sky it has helped me come back to center.
Or at least begin my journey back to a place of peace.  I haven’t
written in a while because I have not felt inspired.  The being here
for a year and a half has started to take its toll on me- whether it’s
the loneliness, frustrations at work, lack of human connection or just
a daily routine that no longer sustains me, I’ve spent the last few
months feeling a bit empty.  When I don’t feel filled up it’s hard to
write about what’s going on here because I feel my negativity spill
out onto the page and that’s not the kind of energy I want to be
sending into the world.  Instead I’ve spent time processing with
myself and others, here and abroad, and have managed to find that
light in the tunnel.  Not the light at the end of the tunnel…I’ve
accepted the fact that until that final breath I’ll always be in some
sort of tunnel and it’s my responsibility, no, my privilege to light
my own path.  Take responsibility and act on what I have control over-
my mind, my body, my soul.

I feel like since I’ve been here I’ve learned so much, grown in so
many ways- big and small- and then I hit a point around February where
I was over it.  I’ve learned a lot, I get it, time to move on.  But
that’s just an excuse to not take control over my own happiness.  I
was journaling about looking forward to the new lessons I was bound to
learn but then I got impatient with the redundancy of life here.  I
kept thinking ‘fine, I understand, gotta love myself, be my own best
friend, my own cheerleader, be comfortable in the loneliness, I know I
know I know, I do I do, I am I am.’  But then shortly after affirming
this understanding within myself, I looked in the mirror and called my
own bluff.  If I’m so comfortable living alone, if I really am my own
best friend, if I really am my own cheerleader then why am I not happy
living alone, being my own best friend, or being my own
cheerleader?!?!  This experience can never be recreated.  I’ll never
have a first time living abroad.  This moment is here and then it is
gone.  So if I’m not ok now, if I’m not full now, then moving on to
the next adventure will continue to leave me searching.

I’ve been sitting on the edge of this cliff for a long time, perhaps
for a year and a half waiting to take the leap and now I’ve begun a
deeper descent within.  I’ve got six months to be here.  To really be
here and fill my own cup and I’m trying on some new things that I was
perhaps avoiding before.  I’ve paved my own way for this next step and
I know that I’m ready to uncover more layers of myself and in turn
connect deeper to this place.

Last week the Uukumwe Bike Shop organized it’s first philanthropic
effort :)  Ten percent of the shops earnings are donated to the
community and this year our committee decided to donate school bags
and stationery to learners at Nkurenkuru combined school.  We had
N$3000 to work with and from that we were able to purchase 40 bags
each with a notebook, pens, pencils, a ruler, eraser, and sharpener.
Our Monday meeting folks brainstormed needed items and together we
went to Pep and worked with the manager to get a 5% discount on said
items.  This all happened on Tuesday of last week while another group
was meeting with the Principal and teachers at the school to identify
40 learners who were in need of these small giftys.  Friday we went to
the school to deliver the bags and the principal had organized a small
programme- I played the part of camera lady and the three managers of
the bike shop spoke about our community donation and presented the
learners with their bags.  There was cultural dancing and a small
speech from some staff at the school.  Overall it was a wonderful
moment for our group and for the kids who received the materials- many
of them were caring their school supplies in plastic bags.  While
there are well over 40 kids who could have used the materials it was
all we could afford at the time.  The bike shop folks will be doing a
similar programme every year- looking at ways to give back to their
own community and then organize their own event.  I was happy to be a
part of intercommunity partnership and philanthropy.  I tried to
explain what that word meant to some people with little success.  I
know many people still see the foreigner giving ‘money’ to the
community even though it wasn’t my money or my decision to do the
school materials…..but I’m ok with that for now.  In December I’ll be
gone and the bike shop will run without me and they will deliver more
goodies to ‘those in need’ and people will have the chance to
understand then :)

Saturday afternoon some teachers at the school, Rachel and Caleb
(PCVs) and myself gathered the hostel learners for our first game
day.  We’ve finally begun implementing our Saturday activities with
them and this first day was a hit!  We went to the soccer field and
played games for an hour and a half- sharks and minnows (renamed Lions
and Springbok:) ), elbow tag, and then some stationary teambuilding
games cause the kids were pretty worn out :) Our plan is to meet every
Saturday and do either games like that or trash clean-ups around the
hostel and then make crafts with what we find.  Also, we’ll throw in a
movie night every once in a while.  The Hostel Project has taken on a
different form- will write about that eventually- and right now while
waiting for our community partners to meet us half way we’re focusing
on the kids and spending time with them.

Two bursts of joy that aided in my recent mind shift- we’ll see what’s
next on the journey!!

Peace.