Tuesday, February 10, 2009
It’s been a while since I have written- I didn’t quite understand the lack of motivation until Sunday. I live here now. This is my home, this is my life, I no longer walk around and see my world here as a series of stories; anecdotes that I can share as an outsider tapping into this corner of the world. I find myself wanting to write in more abstract terms not as much sharing a process I’m going through but more writing for writings sake. I suppose that is the next step in my process so inevitably I’m still sharing myself in a way that is authentic and true to my experience. If you need more tangible ‘how are you doing what are you doing” stories feel free to send me an email. buffiesh@gmail.com otherwise, enjoy:) This next entry isn’t much different to my other posts but just wanted to throw this disclaimer out if seemingly ‘random’ things start popping up. Thanks for sharing this space with me.
Water is life, and, as my chest swells and my tears fall, water is given its life.
As I slow my step I am not met with anxiety, but a sense of familiarity that surprisingly makes the tears fall harder. It’s different crying now. They are different tears. The creek appears the same but the water is forever changing; leaving its mark on the ground below. Comfort in the familiar is exactly why my chest swells and I embrace the drip, drip, drip from my cheeks. I am grateful for the new found home these paths bring, am anxious for the work to be done in 2009 and questioning yet again, “is a smile enough?” Some days I wish the smiles were enough. I am happy, confident, settled, empowered, and accepted as one of the community. I am in love with the warm arms and bright smiles that embrace my being. Full stop. No need to qualify that sense of belonging :) I want to talk about what it means to be here for year two. And those first words begin to summarize my feelings.
Tiny Doors.
As I wander through this life I am reminded to slow down
To breathe the doors into existence.
They are there but are they offered to me if I am unaware?
No, they will keep to themselves.
They only make themselves known to those who can see
Those who can step slowly into darkness always knowing they are surrounded by light.
When I first arrived, the newness of this place, of these people, of this work all overwhelmed me in a way that I have never before experienced. With each step I now realize how much I have grown and how much I have learned about Namibia, Nkurenkuru, the Kwangali people, customs, rituals, tradition, development, bureaucracy, the individual, community, aid, and myself. And I am back here. Back to the beginning of a cycle of knowing and understanding and continuous learning. What makes this new is that I’m not new anymore. When everything was a first for me I could relax in that space and forgive myself for ‘not knowing better.’ Now I am in this space where I know what’s up. I can see more of what is right in front of me and this is comforting, however, with this comfort brings new challenges. The challenge to stay motivated and find the balance between settling for “oh that’s just the culture” and pushing a system too fast or too hard.
Just yesterday I was in a meeting and I smiled to myself as the familiar unproductive banter began. I made a conscious decision then to always strive to find the beauty in frustration. Last year I would flip-flop about how I felt in these Monday meetings- some days I would leave completely drained because of all of the complexity wrapped up in uniting groups, crossing language and culture barriers, working collaboratively etc and other days I would just let myself be blissfully ignorant and leave focusing only on the smallest things that could bring me joy as a way to cope with the unique frustration that comes with this work. A new challenge this year will be to find that balance. So meetings, to stick with that example, one can get frustrated during them or see beauty in them- frustration can bring apathy or action, depending whether or not you have seen the beauty or not. Only seeing the beauty may leave one more apathetic to the problems because “well after all, everything is beautiful.” When one combines the feeling of frustration and acknowledges the small success they may be more apt to work for those bigger successes. Does this make any sense? Please feel free to add/edit/question this thought:)
As I slow my step I am not met with anxiety, but a sense of familiarity that surprisingly makes the tears fall harder. It’s different crying now. They are different tears. The creek appears the same but the water is forever changing; leaving its mark on the ground below. Comfort in the familiar is exactly why my chest swells and I embrace the drip, drip, drip from my cheeks. I am grateful for the new found home these paths bring, am anxious for the work to be done in 2009 and questioning yet again, “is a smile enough?” Some days I wish the smiles were enough. I am happy, confident, settled, empowered, and accepted as one of the community. I am in love with the warm arms and bright smiles that embrace my being. Full stop. No need to qualify that sense of belonging :) I want to talk about what it means to be here for year two. And those first words begin to summarize my feelings.
Tiny Doors.
As I wander through this life I am reminded to slow down
To breathe the doors into existence.
They are there but are they offered to me if I am unaware?
No, they will keep to themselves.
They only make themselves known to those who can see
Those who can step slowly into darkness always knowing they are surrounded by light.
When I first arrived, the newness of this place, of these people, of this work all overwhelmed me in a way that I have never before experienced. With each step I now realize how much I have grown and how much I have learned about Namibia, Nkurenkuru, the Kwangali people, customs, rituals, tradition, development, bureaucracy, the individual, community, aid, and myself. And I am back here. Back to the beginning of a cycle of knowing and understanding and continuous learning. What makes this new is that I’m not new anymore. When everything was a first for me I could relax in that space and forgive myself for ‘not knowing better.’ Now I am in this space where I know what’s up. I can see more of what is right in front of me and this is comforting, however, with this comfort brings new challenges. The challenge to stay motivated and find the balance between settling for “oh that’s just the culture” and pushing a system too fast or too hard.
Just yesterday I was in a meeting and I smiled to myself as the familiar unproductive banter began. I made a conscious decision then to always strive to find the beauty in frustration. Last year I would flip-flop about how I felt in these Monday meetings- some days I would leave completely drained because of all of the complexity wrapped up in uniting groups, crossing language and culture barriers, working collaboratively etc and other days I would just let myself be blissfully ignorant and leave focusing only on the smallest things that could bring me joy as a way to cope with the unique frustration that comes with this work. A new challenge this year will be to find that balance. So meetings, to stick with that example, one can get frustrated during them or see beauty in them- frustration can bring apathy or action, depending whether or not you have seen the beauty or not. Only seeing the beauty may leave one more apathetic to the problems because “well after all, everything is beautiful.” When one combines the feeling of frustration and acknowledges the small success they may be more apt to work for those bigger successes. Does this make any sense? Please feel free to add/edit/question this thought:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
