“Every day is a challenge but I’m finally feeling up to it again.”

I just spent some time rereading some letters I had sent to folks. I wrote this phrase 3 months ago to Adj…”Every day is a challenge but I’m finally feeling up to it again.” This phrase sheds light on the fact that this ‘challenge’ is never (n e v e r) ending. Never ending. Always challenging. Every, Always, Never- hmmmm strong words. Words some people NEVER use because NOTHING is EVER that certain. Nothing. Ever. Never. Shit. This sentence struck me because I am in a bit of a funk. The sentence doesn’t attempt to say that the challenges will cease, it doesn’t butter up the fact by saying “today is a challenge but tomorrow won’t be.” It gently says the truth of the matter- everyday is a challenge, some days we won’t be up for it, some days we will. Some days we may even think it isn’t challenging- but alas, funky days are right around the corner;) Is this half empty talk? I don’t think so- it’s honesty….haha, have I been turned into a realist!??!???! I’m sitting alone in my house cracking up now….blogging/journaling/writing is a slight form of schizophrenia right? I’ll argue that with myself while you continue reading…. ;)

I digress.

I’ve been making my own paper with a broken screen. It comes out in 14x4in slabs. I’ve been writing thoughts on the slabs and plan to hang them around my house. A bit eery at times- it completely goes against my never ending attempt to chill out. Stop taking life so seriously. Relax in an unrelaxable space. Yes, Microsoft Word, I know that is not a word. But words are silly.

I spent last week in Rundu at a fantastic workshop. “Men and HIV/AIDS Special Initiative Group Education Training Workshop.” …..a long name that could be just as long but more direct: “Getting a Clue! A Dialogue About Men and Their Oppressive Behavior as Key Factors Adding to the Rapid Spread of HIV/AIDS.” No one really knew the name of the workshop anyway- they kept calling it “Men and HIV.” Simple enough…. So: it was fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. This is the word that keeps popping into my head. The workshop was facilitated for and by LifeLine/Childline. LL/CL is an organization that is open for drop-in counseling around many issues; suicide, HIV/AIDS, teenage pregnancy, domestic abuse etc etc. The group is made up of a staff in Windhoek and Rundu and volunteers in surrounding villages/towns. The theme of this workshop was gender equity and equality and how our work can have a theme of gender equality and inclusion. Six of us from Peace Corps were allowed to attend this workshop and for that I am very grateful. It was wonderful to sit with Namibians as peers discussing issues of gender equality while crossing lines of age, race, gender, orientation, culture and tradition. So many times we (American volunteers) are looked to for answers, for change, as someone to offer something that one does not already possess- not only does that apply a certain amount of pressure to us, it also is unrealistic and not very asset based. If someone thinks I have answers because I’m white/American/foreign it shows that they don’t believe that the answers already exist within themselves. It’s a culture of low self-efficacy. So….as mentioned above…it was great to sit around the room as a trainee, not a trainer. None of the gender dialogue was new to me or my American colleagues but the discussions we were able to have, the openness of the group, the critical thinking and processing that happened in that circle was amazing. It was refreshing. Critical thinking skills are not nurtured here unless you have a group that is in a big city or town coming from a proper education. For years children have been reprimanded if they don’t understand something…..learners are programmed to say YES MISS when asked if they are following the lesson. You can then ask a learner to repeat what you just said and all you get is a blank stare. If I got beat every time I asked a question or didn’t understand or asked “why?” I would certainly stop inquiring or admitting I was confused.

The folks we were with at this training were thinkers. They were feelers. They disagreed with one another and challenged one another. The shift from some of the men in the group was tangible. The attitudes about men and women and their roles and how culture effects what we think each of their roles should be…..it was transforming. I think it was so fascinating because it was familiar. Sitting in circles discussing issues important to us, our work, our fight- it was like being back home…. While many things are becoming my ‘normal’ here I am very aware that the way things are done are foreign to me- whether it’s how people are treated, how jobs are carried out, how you greet, all of it is distinctively Namibian- therefore foreign to me. But this was familiar.

This was progress that didn’t trample culture. This was development work without telling someone they are wrong. This was a dialogue with humans about human behavior taking into consideration who the humans in the room were and why they think and feel the way they do. Not telling someone how they are supposed to act, but engaging them/us on a journey within to positively affect this journey we are all together in on the outside.

It was profoundly American. Something American I can be proud about. It’s ‘American’ to me because that’s where I come from…that’s what I know….and so many times here I’ve wanted to forget what I know in order to be open to other’s knowing. At that workshop worlds were blended. Not collided, but blended in a way where growth, insight, and compassion reined not ego, power, and self-interest.

It was fascinating.