here goes

transitions, quiet time, judgement

2010-01-06T06:50:00.000-08:00

Leaving home, coming home, traveling in between- I've come to the final leg of this journey. Many thoughts and feelings surge through my mind and soul; some reflective, others superficial, all waiting to be processed when I make time and mind space.

The shock I felt flying into Bangkok, Thailand was a bit unexpected. I nearly burst into tears as I saw the 6 lane highway and the "up-above roads" (later corrected by Janelle- over pass %-)). The amount of people and “stuff” that immediately surrounded me was a lot to take in.

I have a new lens with which to see the world...

I think that's the main underlying feeling right now. It's difficult to pinpoint but this is what I’ve come to. This transition time not only comes with goodbyes to people and places, visiting a new continent/culture, ending peace corps, seeing friends and family, snow, cold, unknown future- it’s all accompanied by this new lens: a new perspective that forces me to ask more questions, walk a little slower, reevaluate values and actions. I’m finding that it’s easy to see the ugly of the world with this lens- numerous disparities, health, income and otherwise, consumerism, materialism; simply unconscious ways of walking through this life. But there is also a lot of beauty this lens can expose- simple peace, love, patience, community, pockets of goodness everywhere, connecting with different aspects of humanity on very basic yet profound levels. It will be my challenge to focus on this beauty. To let the heightened awareness help me grow, not darken my spirit. To find hidden gems and happiness in quality time with those I love. To open my heart in a new way and let compassion and understanding flow through me as I embrace this next step.

Making time to spend with myself will also be important. I always have my self to come back to- a sanctuary within- but I know that in the hustle and bustle of America I’ll have to make time in my day for some quiet time. That is something that has been missing since I left Nkurenkuru. I haven’t taken much time just for me since I’ve been on the road- I’ve been soaking up my time with dear friends and enjoying traveling but I’m realizing that it’s something I want to make a priority.

I want to use my new lens to help judgment pause to curiosity, appreciation, teachable moments, listening, and modeling. I think judgment of myself and others will always be something I’ll be working on, but I think it’s especially important now when journeying home. Everyone looks through their own lens, according to his/her own experiences, privilege, background, understanding and acceptance of the world around them.

These are not new lessons, just reminders of the old. Perhaps with a bit more context now…

As the next phase of my journey unfolds I hope to carry myself in a way that honors where I have come from, what I’ve been doing/seeing/being for the past two years and how I want to be as I’m embrace each morning I am lucky enough to be a part of.

pictures of the past few days....

2009-11-24T13:31:00.000-08:00

"love"
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2353825&id=7702107&l=3ff323c900

"last days in nkurenkuru"
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2353819&id=7702107&l=e9d8d78ff4

"sunrise breakfast"
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2353824&id=7702107&l=f84dfe1274

2009-11-23T07:19:00.000-08:00

2009-11-23T07:18:00.000-08:00

Farewell Nkurenkuru

It’s hard to believe I’ve come to this blog post. When I look back at
my journal and at these entries I’m filled with laughter and joy
thinking about all of the ups and downs, the intense emotions
felt/expressed, the challenges and success- all how they have shaped
my entire being. Already the ‘bad’ is fading away and the good,
powerful, and awe-some memories are finding a permanent place in my
heart and soul.

Friday we had a farewell party- it was one of the most amazing
experiences of my life. The setting was beautiful, three lilac
breasted rollers flew into a big tree in Selma’s yard to set the stage
for a great night :) She had her place all decked out with tables and
chairs, wine glasses with napkins folded up beautifully in them, we
prepared all of the food earlier that day- a goat, lots of chickens,
macaroni, rice, salad, soups, and many many drinks. As the sun was
setting the people were arriving, it was a full house of friends from
Nkurenkuru and surrounding villages. Lots of speeches were given,
tears flowed and laughs too. I got through my speech even though I
was crying throughout. Three friends came up to stand with me and hold
my hand as I read and another friend translated. Then lots of gifties
were presented, woven baskets, wooden spoons, other carvings, knitted
clothes and woven grass bracelets, two live chickens and even a baby!!
:) Baby Sarah :) I carried her on my back after dinner for the rest
of the party, it was wonderful :) I felt overwhelmed with gratitude
and blessings, friendship and love and respect- both received and
given to those present. It’s hard to imagine all that was wrapped up
in these two years but Friday’s party was a beautiful summary and
closing of it all.

Today I woke up at 5:20am and met some friends for breakfast at the
river while we watched the sunrise. It was a perfect start to the
day. I came home and after getting a few things in order I headed
west to a few villages over to start a series of goodbyes. First I
stopped at Baby Sarah’s house and helped feed her her morning bottle.
I gave some gifties and hugs. Then to Sam and Otillieas place where
their son “Little Buffie” helped present me with a live chicken for
the road %-) It’s called “podkos” ….road food :) hehe so I put the
chick in my backpack and rode off to the next homestead. I said
goodbyes, gave hugs and cards and some small gifties and otherwise
been running around like a crazy lady! I played “headman” for a
conflict at the bike shop, sold my computer, gave away my clothes, now
cooking dinner for 4 and later saying goodbye to my neighbors!!
Ahhhhhhhhhh and packing sometime before we depart at 5am :)

I will share more reflections when I have more time…

My heart is full and my love for people here and at home is
overflowing. I will be in the capital for two weeks then I start
another wonderful journey of vacation with friends- Tanzania and
Zanzibar, then off to Thailand. I’ll return to America on 15 January
and perhaps you’ll hear more stories and reflections in person but I
will be posting more here as well.

Below is the speech I gave at my party. Pardon the broken English :)

With love and goodness….

Peace,
Sarah

As I sit down to write this farewell speech I am filled with so much
joy and so much sadness. My tears begin to fall because I will be so
sad to leave all of you- my neighbors, my colleagues, my fellow
volunteers, community members- all of you, I consider my friends. I
am so thankful and blessed to have so much love surrounding me here in
Nkurenkuru. And this is why I am also filled with so much joy.

Two and a half years ago I decided to join the Peace Corps. When I
applied and was accepted I didn’t know where I would be going. I
didn’t even know on which continent. After many months of
volunteering and medical check-ups I was finally told my placement- I
would be leaving for Namibia in November 2007. I was very excited to
receive this news but still I didn’t know where my new home would be.
After two months of training in Okahandja we were told our site
placements and mine was Nkurenkuru.

I did not know then that this place, and all of you, would become such
a special part of my life. It’s hard to imagine my life without these
two years. What I have learned about life, myself, love, pain,
culture, language, tradition, Namibia, Africa, friendship and the
goodness of the human spirit is more than could ever be taught in
school or read in any book. The experiences I have had here will
continue to shape me even when I am gone. The people I have met and
grown close with will continue to influence my life long after I leave
this place. And for both of these facts, I am so grateful.

I am thankful to all of you for accepting me into your community, I am
thankful for your friendship and kindness that you showed me. I am
thankful for all you have taught me about your culture, your region,
your foods, and traditions. I am thankful for the hugs you embraced
and the laughs we’ve shared. I could probably say something about
everyone here and how you have impacted my life but I know we all want
to eat sometime before no time :) I want to take time though to thank
a few people.
As Ndadi mentioned, I was involved with several projects- you
volunteers and project members that are here, I want to thank you. We
struggled together- to communicate, to work together, to accomplish
our goals- some we reached, some we fell short, but what we
accomplished together is very amazing. You should all be so proud of
yourselves for the time and energy you put into our projects- even
when things didn’t go well you kept coming back and trying to work
together and even when we stopped meeting as a group I never felt like
I lost a friend. Our connection and your involvement in our work and
my life here has been so meaningful. You are the reason I am here and
wanted to work so hard and I hope you know how much joy you have
brought to my life.

To my neighbors, especially all of the kids in the neighborhood- my
heart is so full of happiness and love for all of you. Even some days
when I just wanted to rest, you would still come knocking and ask for
paper or colors, even coming to my window when I was trying to sleep
:) I loved it though. Even if I was having a bad day if you came to
my house and spent time with me I became happy and everything in the
world was good again. I will never forget you, your laughs, your
smiles, your dance moves, and all of the beautiful pictures you drew.
Thank you for being my friends.
To Selma- so many nights I have spent at your house with you and your
family. You welcomed me as your daughter, as your sister, as your
mother and as your friend. We shared the same plate and the same
glass, we ate new foods, ones you shared from your culture and ones
that I shared from mine. You told me stories and we have laughed for
hours. You hosted us when Obama was being elected and when my parents
came you hosted a beautiful party. I feel truly free with you. You
have been my best friend and I could never fully express how grateful
I am to you. I love you so much.

Tate Ndadi- I think I am the luckiest volunteer in all of Namibia.
As a supervisor you have always been 100% supportive of me and my
work. You have offered transport and land, water and time, your
guidance and suggestions, you have always provided a listening ear and
culturally appropriate advice. I’m sure even at times you could have
told me certain things to make the job a bit easier but instead you
let me figure things out on my own so I could grow and learn from
mistakes. All of your teachings have been invaluable. Apart from
being an incredible supervisor you have been a great friend. Not a
single day went by that we were together and I wasn’t laughing. You
always made me laugh and feel free and at home. I know that when
everything else seemed to be going wrong I could just walk into your
office to check-in and you would truly brighten my day. Thank you for
being so kind and warm, funny and open, an amazing mentor, teacher,
supervisor and friend.

All of you here, and even those who could not attend- I thank you from
the bottom of my heart. To walk around the town and hear “supa-dupa”,
to greet in Rukwangli and even Nyemba, to shake your hands and share
smiles every day-these are some of the things I want to thank you for
and that I will dearly miss.

I will hold all of you close to my heart for the rest of my life.

Mpandu.

2009-10-28T23:22:00.001-07:00

I stood watching the Violet Backed Starling fly over my head. Again I could only clearly see the white of her underbelly and just a hint of darkness on the top. I kept trying to make out if it was purple I was seeing or black like the BouBou. Suddenly it reversed direction and flew back to sit on my shoulder. I was so excited! It was indeed the starling! I’ve wanted to see this bird for so long! I asked friends to quickly take a picture so I could capture this moment when all of a sudden, the bird started to attack me. Digging into my shoulder with her claws then pecking at my head. I thought it was friendly at first but she kept pecking and when I turned to look she didn’t appear to be a bird at all. She was wiry and almost green, the purple and white feathers were still there but my dream bird was now a painful nightmare.
Then I woke up…..

Yesterday I had a moment with myself in the morning I’m referring to it as a revelation. It was more so an understanding, a deeper understanding or realization of truth. Not my truth or yours, but truth as it is…

I have this small book called Mediations from Conversations with God. Jori gave it to me before I left. It’s full of small passages about different topics from death to money to war to self-awareness etc. I refer back to it often and when I have a thought I add it into the book and I’m going to give it back to Jori when I return. I was reading it this morning and I came across one note that I had written on November 19 of last year responding to a meditation about death. I wrote about how it scares me and I don’t know if I believe in a higher power or after life and so on; I just sounded scared and confused....I smiled this morning because I couldn't feel further from that....I've evolved so far past that feeling.... yesterday I wrote this:

"I wrote that last year....I feel so different from that feeling
expressed...I’m smiling. When our body dies the fruit it bears is the
birth of our soul. I want to love my body even more now! I want my soul
to have a beautiful place to BE. When my body dies, I want my soul to
remember a good life, not trapped in my body, but rather having spent many
many years in a sanctuary."

I think my dream this morning was connected to my understanding yesterday.
Things are not as they seem…when we think about something being a certain way, it will be that until we open our minds eye to what it actually is…

Birds represent freedom, community, unity. I’ve been searching for the violet backed starling for a few months now with no avail. The harder I search the further away she seems to be. But if I let go, free myself from expectations, knowledge of where she resides during the summer months, understanding of what she represents to me, I will find her. Or I won’t. :)

There’s no either or. There just is….

2009-10-09T05:15:00.000-07:00

http://www.vimeo.com/6978006

VIDEO!!! This is a video of the BEN Namibia Networking Conference

2009-09-21T06:37:00.001-07:00

2009-09-21T06:36:00.001-07:00

2009-09-21T06:31:00.000-07:00

2009-09-21T05:39:00.000-07:00

2009-09-21T03:28:00.000-07:00

This morning I felt like I was waking up to a Midwest summer….the look of the early morning sun through the trees, the warm, slightly sticky air through the window screen…as I came to, I remembered that it’s becoming Fall now at home….the combination of these two sensations/realizations put the homesickness into high gear.

I’ll be home in four months.

Haven’t written in about four months….

I think I’ll share some short stories:

-Bentu Sarah Henderson

Six months ago was the last time I saw Naimi. She is a friend of mine with whom I’ve worked since last year. She’s got a firery spirit and works harder than most people I know. Big hands, rough from plowing. We’ve exchanged many laughs and smiles, not too many words. The little I can speak in Rukwangali surpasses the amount she can speak in English so we fumble through with one another or rely on a translator. When she got pregnant she asked for ‘leave’ from our garden project. Since then I hadn’t seen her but once, right after her daughter was born. We greeted at the open market and then went about our days. Here in Namibia, babies aren’t given a name right away. The family waits about three months and then usually it’s the Fathers’s family who picks the name. Naimi took responsibility of naming her baby since the father left for Angola quickly after he found her pregnant. Last week Naimi came to my house asking for my middle name to complete her baby’s full name…I wonder if she regretted the mouth full that Henderson brings to the picture :) It was quite the honor….she also wants to give me a goat because now little Sarah is my Kadina- namesake.

-Lunch with Nane Eva

Nane Eva is the head of one of the sewing projects I’ve been working with. A wise elder, a social head of a nearby village. A friend and I went to visit her and the project last week on Monday and in typical Nane Eva fashion she started going on and on about something in Rukwangali. She stopped coming to our visits with a translator a long time ago so our dialogue always resembles a ‘choose your own adventure’ book as I look for body language and context clues while picking up every 8th word or so :) She was telling us about how she paid for concrete to build walls for a toilet outside her shop. She gave the money to the store but they won’t deliver the concrete, she has to go get it herself but she doesn’t have a car!!! This information was on loop for about five minutes and then during a pause I asked to go see this alleged toilet. We walked out back and stared into a hole, I commented on how wild it is that store won’t bring the goods she paid for, and she told me the story again :) We walked back to the front of the house and as I had no idea why we were talking about this, what was going on, or how to add to the conversation (because I’m pitiful at Rukwangali) we were all just staring into the distance. Finally my friend whispered- ‘what are you looking at?’ I giggled and said the garden, then asked nane eva about her garden. More small talk ensued. Then I pointed to a nearby tree and asked what fruit was in the branches. Eva got excited and asked if I liked that fruit:

Me: “oh yes, I like that one and Maguni.”
Eva: “oh maguni! They have then in the inland!”
Me: “yes, I am liking it very much, I want to show her the fruit too”
Eva: “they can bring it to you”
Me: “really? Tomorrow?”
Eva: “yes, they will bring to you tomorrow”
Me: “at my house?”
Eva: “yes they will bring to you”
Me: “ok great”
Eva: “ok, go inside and wait”

…oh shit. Eva then left and Gisele and I sat inside her shop for about 40 minutes. Something was lost in translation :) she finally returned with a huge bag full of the fruit from the tree behind the one I was asking about. It’s from a palm tree and you crack open the shell and chew on the next outer ring sucking out the sweetness then spitting the bits out. It tastes like chewy sawdust :) So we slowly ate this fruit and continued chatting. Finally, when it was time to leave Nane Eva said: So you’ll come tomorrow? I giggled, wondering if I had missed something earlier in our conversation, that maybe I had already agreed to come again tomorrow, so we parted ways with ‘see you in the morning!”

At 7am she sent me a text message asking for us to come visit at 10am. We left the house around 9:30 and arrived at 10 sharp. Nane Eva came around 10:15 and we engaged in some small talk, again, I was not understanding much…. She then said, wait here, and she left for an hour. Gisele had to go take some pictures of the folks from the bike shop so after about thirty minutes she took off and I waited alone. Eva came back around 11:20 and asked me to come wait at her house until Gisele returned. So we sat under a tree for a while at her homestead. Just enjoying the sights, then after a few minutes she walked over to a hut on the far side of the homestead. She called my given name, “Nehafo, wiza!!” and I went to find a table filled with pots of porridge, mutate and chicken, coke, fanta, water, and traditional drink of shikundu and a bucket to wash our hands. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!! And quite the surprise!! I’m sure in some of our small talk she must have said “hey dude, wanna come for lunch tomorrow?!” and I just missed it, but it was all worth it :) We ate together and took some pictures and had a lovely afternoon.

The next day a bag full of Maguni was on my door step. Brought to my house from the folks in the inland :)

-A very happy birthday indeed

Tate Ze is Meme Selma’s husband. He turned 53 on 17 September and celebrated in style with his family and friends. Selma is my best friend here- she and her family have taken me in like a daughter/sister from the very beginning and I feel so lucky to have them in my life. Selma and I met Tuesday at the shop to work on invitations for the birthday party/grand opening of her guest house. She’s an entrepreneur who has built the Muharwa Guest House up from a few one room huts to now a full service 14 room concrete structure that is quite easily one of Nkurenkuru’s pride and joys. Thursday evening was so beautiful. Warm winds and clear skies. The party was held at her place and wine, beer, food, speeches from the Mayor and other community leaders, dancing and endless photos made for a night I’ll never forget.

-Quite possibly the best vacation ever

My cousin Lesley and her friend Dom came at the end of August and we had the vacation of a life time! They went to Etosha, a game park, their first few days in the country then drove north and met me in Rundu. My friend Kerri and I got some beers and chips and sat on a tire outside the petrol station awaiting their arrival. The sun had gone down and we had been waiting for a little over an hour when the bright lights of their truck pulled up to the four way stop and I spotted Lesley through the window. I jumped up and waved them into the parking lot, my heart about to explode!! That night we stayed with Kerri and Ben and their dreadful cats (sorry guys, they were killin us!) then left the next morn for Nkurenkuru. They were greeted with “welcome dom and Lesley” pictures my lil neighbors made and I showed them around town. We met with Ndadi who was as hilarious as ever and then went on a walk to see the hippos. Friday night we had a party at my friends homestead complete with cultural dancing/singing :) then went to the bar and danced till 1am. Next day got up early and drove to the other side of the country and stayed with Obie, a good friend of mine who lives in Opuwo- it’s where then traditional Himba people are so they got to see a new culture and terrain. Had a blast there, partying, hiking, GREAT bird watching, an American style barbque and watching the sunset into the mountains from a fancy hotel just north of Obie’s house! Then we drove north to Epupa Falls where we camped right next to the falls, swam naked in the river and cooked out on the fire. The moon was SO bright that night that with the help of a little reading lamp we played cards with it’s light and drank a whole box of wine just sitting and chatting and enjoying the scene…. Next day we drove south to a little lodge called Palmwag, in the middle of NOWHERE and camped again. Lesley cooked an amazing pot of chilli while Dom and I bonded at the bar setting the scene for another night of debauchery ;) The next morning we drove down the Skeleton Coast and saw a shipwreck, thousands of seals at Cape Cross and wide vast nothingness for hundreds of kilometers, it’s a gorgeous drive. Ended in Swakopmund, a small town on the coast and spent two days there- the weather was shit and we were all on the verge of death with colds and exhaustion setting in but nothing could stop us from endless laughter and good times :) We then headed to Windhoek on the 4th of Sept and they flew out on the 5th….I sent them home with a sliced open finger, ‘broken’ toe, bite marks from an unidentified river creature, two head colds from over-indulging in food/alcohol and deprived of sleep and a whole host of laughs and stories that we’ll be remembering for years to come :)

2009-09-21T03:27:00.001-07:00

BEN Namibia Networking Conference (video post coming soon...)

What an incredible experience! The month of July wrapped up in a wonderful way with a week in Ovamboland for the BEN Namibia Networking Conference! Markus, Beatilde and I traveled west for a three day conference with representatives from all of the Bicycle Empowerment Centers (BEC) in the country. This was the first of it’s kind- BEN Namibia was started in 2005 and since then they’ve helped open 13 BECs and by the end of the year they will total 21! Conference participants came from all 13 regions of Namibia, some shops have yet to open but folks were able to learn from others successes/challenges and get pumped up for their projects to get started. Michael and Clarisse, founders and directors of BEN Namibia, have truly created a family through their efforts. It was a beautiful experience to be with a group of people who represented so many backgrounds, cultures, countries- as I said we had folks from all 13 regions which means 13 different ethic groups of Namibians, facilitators from Australia, South Africa, England, Germany, USA, Brazil, and two participants from USA and Canada. The purpose of the three days was to learn and grow together, share strengths and weaknesses of existing projects and connect the mechanics/managers of the shops to the suppliers in the country so that BEN in Windhoek can remove themselves as a middle man and just be more of a support. I was most impressed with how empowering the sessions were. BEN staff shared all of the ins and outs of the project in a way that really handed ownership over to the BECs in a way that said ‘THE SKY IS THE LIMIT!!’ They transferred knowledge and skills that sparked discussion of endless possibilities!! The BECs themselves shared what they are doing at their individual shops and that was inspiring to see what can be done no matter what- village or town, outside funding from another NGO or just independent entrepreneurs rocking out the bike shop :) One of the first BECs is the Okithitu Bike Shop- there they have built three small rooms to rent out as accommodation for when visitors come to the community or when trainers/donors come to see the shop. They also have a partnership with the local school where the top learner each year gets a free bike and a two week training on bike mechanics. One of their latest initiatives is to obtain a computer and teach basic typing skills and computer classes to local community members. Their bike shop is located 18km off the tar road, we drove through a sandy desert until we came upon the shop. I was surprised that they would be able to keep afloat- it didn’t seem like there were hardly any people living anywhere close and so far from town seemed to isolate them a bit. But they reported that the go through bikes like mad and are always ordering more to sell to the community! It was inspiring thinking about our own project- it is in the center of the village/town and close to the Angolan boarder- so many customers in our area and the tar road will reach Nkurenkuru by the end of the year so the project could really explode if we can get in a system of ordering bikes on a regular basis! At the conference Markus and Beatilde connected with the other BECs in our region and the idea now is that they can work together to bring shipments of bikes on a regular basis. They can share the cost of delivery from the coast to our region and also sell or trade parts with one another instead of always looking to Cycle Wholesales in the capital. Markus has a dream to obtain another container and use that as a classroom to start a kindergarten. We’ll be talking with the Town Council and Ministry of Gender and Equality to see if that will be a possibility. At the very least the space with another container can be used for an after school program or out-of-school youth program. These are ideas that were inspired from the conference and I’m excited to help them become a reality!
We'll see how it all pans out....since we've been back in Nkurenkuru we've received another donation of bikes from Bicycles for Humanity Ottawa and that has allowed the gang to get back into the swing of things. Josh and Mark from B4H Colorado visited last month and that was great to have them reconnect with everyone and encourage markus, augustinus, and beatilde to keep up their hard work and build on what they have going here.

2009-06-08T07:35:00.000-07:00

2009-06-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

2009-06-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

2009-06-08T07:28:00.000-07:00

2009-06-08T07:08:00.000-07:00

For the last few nights I’ve been sitting on my stoop outside my front
door watching the moon rise over the Acacia tree in my neighbor’s
yard. Whether eating my dinner, reading a book or just staring off
into the beautiful African sky it has helped me come back to center.
Or at least begin my journey back to a place of peace. I haven’t
written in a while because I have not felt inspired. The being here
for a year and a half has started to take its toll on me- whether it’s
the loneliness, frustrations at work, lack of human connection or just
a daily routine that no longer sustains me, I’ve spent the last few
months feeling a bit empty. When I don’t feel filled up it’s hard to
write about what’s going on here because I feel my negativity spill
out onto the page and that’s not the kind of energy I want to be
sending into the world. Instead I’ve spent time processing with
myself and others, here and abroad, and have managed to find that
light in the tunnel. Not the light at the end of the tunnel…I’ve
accepted the fact that until that final breath I’ll always be in some
sort of tunnel and it’s my responsibility, no, my privilege to light
my own path. Take responsibility and act on what I have control over-
my mind, my body, my soul.

I feel like since I’ve been here I’ve learned so much, grown in so
many ways- big and small- and then I hit a point around February where
I was over it. I’ve learned a lot, I get it, time to move on. But
that’s just an excuse to not take control over my own happiness. I
was journaling about looking forward to the new lessons I was bound to
learn but then I got impatient with the redundancy of life here. I
kept thinking ‘fine, I understand, gotta love myself, be my own best
friend, my own cheerleader, be comfortable in the loneliness, I know I
know I know, I do I do, I am I am.’ But then shortly after affirming
this understanding within myself, I looked in the mirror and called my
own bluff. If I’m so comfortable living alone, if I really am my own
best friend, if I really am my own cheerleader then why am I not happy
living alone, being my own best friend, or being my own
cheerleader?!?! This experience can never be recreated. I’ll never
have a first time living abroad. This moment is here and then it is
gone. So if I’m not ok now, if I’m not full now, then moving on to
the next adventure will continue to leave me searching.

I’ve been sitting on the edge of this cliff for a long time, perhaps
for a year and a half waiting to take the leap and now I’ve begun a
deeper descent within. I’ve got six months to be here. To really be
here and fill my own cup and I’m trying on some new things that I was
perhaps avoiding before. I’ve paved my own way for this next step and
I know that I’m ready to uncover more layers of myself and in turn
connect deeper to this place.

Last week the Uukumwe Bike Shop organized it’s first philanthropic
effort :) Ten percent of the shops earnings are donated to the
community and this year our committee decided to donate school bags
and stationery to learners at Nkurenkuru combined school. We had
N$3000 to work with and from that we were able to purchase 40 bags
each with a notebook, pens, pencils, a ruler, eraser, and sharpener.
Our Monday meeting folks brainstormed needed items and together we
went to Pep and worked with the manager to get a 5% discount on said
items. This all happened on Tuesday of last week while another group
was meeting with the Principal and teachers at the school to identify
40 learners who were in need of these small giftys. Friday we went to
the school to deliver the bags and the principal had organized a small
programme- I played the part of camera lady and the three managers of
the bike shop spoke about our community donation and presented the
learners with their bags. There was cultural dancing and a small
speech from some staff at the school. Overall it was a wonderful
moment for our group and for the kids who received the materials- many
of them were caring their school supplies in plastic bags. While
there are well over 40 kids who could have used the materials it was
all we could afford at the time. The bike shop folks will be doing a
similar programme every year- looking at ways to give back to their
own community and then organize their own event. I was happy to be a
part of intercommunity partnership and philanthropy. I tried to
explain what that word meant to some people with little success. I
know many people still see the foreigner giving ‘money’ to the
community even though it wasn’t my money or my decision to do the
school materials…..but I’m ok with that for now. In December I’ll be
gone and the bike shop will run without me and they will deliver more
goodies to ‘those in need’ and people will have the chance to
understand then :)

Saturday afternoon some teachers at the school, Rachel and Caleb
(PCVs) and myself gathered the hostel learners for our first game
day. We’ve finally begun implementing our Saturday activities with
them and this first day was a hit! We went to the soccer field and
played games for an hour and a half- sharks and minnows (renamed Lions
and Springbok:) ), elbow tag, and then some stationary teambuilding
games cause the kids were pretty worn out :) Our plan is to meet every
Saturday and do either games like that or trash clean-ups around the
hostel and then make crafts with what we find. Also, we’ll throw in a
movie night every once in a while. The Hostel Project has taken on a
different form- will write about that eventually- and right now while
waiting for our community partners to meet us half way we’re focusing
on the kids and spending time with them.

Two bursts of joy that aided in my recent mind shift- we’ll see what’s
next on the journey!!

Peace.

2009-04-03T06:46:00.000-07:00

2009-04-03T06:38:00.000-07:00

2009-04-03T06:20:00.000-07:00

so i ate a python the other week.

i was sitting on my toilet talking to my mom on the phone (no need to judge folks) when i heard some voices out my window- got up and asked who it was and it was some other volunteer friends who live across the way. They were coming to fetch Tate Matti to help kill a snake...i got the invite too:) we went to Rachel and Calebs house (new peace corps volunteers) and there it was, a baby python...still two meters long!!!!!! Rachel had left my house that night with no light and there to greet here on her porch was this silly thing. Tate Matti and Caleb took turns beating it with a rake and a long stick until it stopped moving....not quite dead yet though. it kept comin back to life and even the next morning, after several rocks had been piled on it, it had escaped towards a nearby tree!! a few more beatings that morning and then they chopped off its head just to make sure it was really dead this time. so what do you do with a snake after killing it? give it to the hospital patients of course!!! a group of guys started skinning it, collecting the snake skin oil in jars for traditional medicine, and then they prepared it for a feast. (now the oil medicine isnt actually used at the hospital it's used with traditional doctors only) it was all quite an adventure, enjoy the pics:)

2009-02-10T00:31:00.001-08:00

It’s been a while since I have written- I didn’t quite understand the lack of motivation until Sunday. I live here now. This is my home, this is my life, I no longer walk around and see my world here as a series of stories; anecdotes that I can share as an outsider tapping into this corner of the world. I find myself wanting to write in more abstract terms not as much sharing a process I’m going through but more writing for writings sake. I suppose that is the next step in my process so inevitably I’m still sharing myself in a way that is authentic and true to my experience. If you need more tangible ‘how are you doing what are you doing” stories feel free to send me an email. buffiesh@gmail.com otherwise, enjoy:) This next entry isn’t much different to my other posts but just wanted to throw this disclaimer out if seemingly ‘random’ things start popping up. Thanks for sharing this space with me.

2009-02-10T00:29:00.000-08:00

Water is life, and, as my chest swells and my tears fall, water is given its life.

As I slow my step I am not met with anxiety, but a sense of familiarity that surprisingly makes the tears fall harder. It’s different crying now. They are different tears. The creek appears the same but the water is forever changing; leaving its mark on the ground below. Comfort in the familiar is exactly why my chest swells and I embrace the drip, drip, drip from my cheeks. I am grateful for the new found home these paths bring, am anxious for the work to be done in 2009 and questioning yet again, “is a smile enough?” Some days I wish the smiles were enough. I am happy, confident, settled, empowered, and accepted as one of the community. I am in love with the warm arms and bright smiles that embrace my being. Full stop. No need to qualify that sense of belonging :) I want to talk about what it means to be here for year two. And those first words begin to summarize my feelings.

Tiny Doors.

As I wander through this life I am reminded to slow down
To breathe the doors into existence.
They are there but are they offered to me if I am unaware?

No, they will keep to themselves.
They only make themselves known to those who can see
Those who can step slowly into darkness always knowing they are surrounded by light.

When I first arrived, the newness of this place, of these people, of this work all overwhelmed me in a way that I have never before experienced. With each step I now realize how much I have grown and how much I have learned about Namibia, Nkurenkuru, the Kwangali people, customs, rituals, tradition, development, bureaucracy, the individual, community, aid, and myself. And I am back here. Back to the beginning of a cycle of knowing and understanding and continuous learning. What makes this new is that I’m not new anymore. When everything was a first for me I could relax in that space and forgive myself for ‘not knowing better.’ Now I am in this space where I know what’s up. I can see more of what is right in front of me and this is comforting, however, with this comfort brings new challenges. The challenge to stay motivated and find the balance between settling for “oh that’s just the culture” and pushing a system too fast or too hard.

Just yesterday I was in a meeting and I smiled to myself as the familiar unproductive banter began. I made a conscious decision then to always strive to find the beauty in frustration. Last year I would flip-flop about how I felt in these Monday meetings- some days I would leave completely drained because of all of the complexity wrapped up in uniting groups, crossing language and culture barriers, working collaboratively etc and other days I would just let myself be blissfully ignorant and leave focusing only on the smallest things that could bring me joy as a way to cope with the unique frustration that comes with this work. A new challenge this year will be to find that balance. So meetings, to stick with that example, one can get frustrated during them or see beauty in them- frustration can bring apathy or action, depending whether or not you have seen the beauty or not. Only seeing the beauty may leave one more apathetic to the problems because “well after all, everything is beautiful.” When one combines the feeling of frustration and acknowledges the small success they may be more apt to work for those bigger successes. Does this make any sense? Please feel free to add/edit/question this thought:)

2009-01-15T03:17:00.000-08:00

the amazing work of Un Jin Krantz and our beautiful public allies community...

2009-01-15T02:57:00.000-08:00

VACATION WAS WONDERFUL!!! more narrative to come next week but for now i just wanted to share some pictures. (ALL PHOTOS BY CEDAR SPRING WOLF, VIVA!!!)
Amanda, Catherine and I went to Durban, South Africa then up the coast to Swaziland for a few days and then onto Mozambique where we visited Maputo, Xai-Xai and Tofo. Cedar met us in Swaziland and was with us till the end of our trip in Pretoria, South Africa…stories to come:)
so in order from top to bottom....
1. and 2. waterfalls in Ezulwini valley in Swaziland. Swaziland is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been too!!
3. silhouette of a tree in Swazi
4. trying to figure out how to get a ride out of Tofo in Mozambique…why not dry your laundry in the meantime!?
5. mountain village Swazi
6. sunrise in Tofo
7. early morning plowing in Swazi
8. pineapple fields! Swazi
9. Tofo Mozambique, beautiful landscape just off the coast
10. and 11. monkeys in Swaziland
12. me just being lazy staring off into space :)
13. the travel gang! Cedar, Amanda, Catherine, me we’re in Maputo, Mozambique at this time
14. our hostel in Tofo, right on the beach!
15. Swaziland.. just herding some goats:)

2009-01-15T02:04:00.000-08:00

2009-01-15T01:57:00.000-08:00

2009-01-15T01:44:00.000-08:00

2009-01-15T01:29:00.000-08:00

"HAPPY NEW YARN"

2008-12-11T07:38:00.000-08:00

THIS IS AN UP-AND-COMING BUSINESS!! Ndeshi, my neighbor and friend, has decided to start her own business- with a little encouragement from her business manager of course ;) she came up with the name "happy new year" for the name of her lil business but i reminded her that she learned the word YARN yesterday and how funny would that be if it was happy new YARN! she'll understand one day:) in the little jar is her first 10 bucks, she is making these bracelets upon request, $5 american dollars for all you westeners and N$5 for all of us namibs ;) if you're interested or just want to tell her she is a cutiepie holler. cheers to MY AUNT SANDY WHO HAS INSPIRED THESE KIDS TO EXPLORE THEIR CREATIVE OUTLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-11T07:32:00.000-08:00

pictures!!! that peace sign is in honor of my mama...it was a surprise for her visit, painted on the side of the bike shop! three chicken photos- we had a party for my parents and throughout the day people kept bringing gifty's!!! hahaha, all live chickens, in our out of plastic bags...classic:) then there's my dad teaching the girls how to play baseball, priceless! and a few good ones of the fam and my supervisor and his family, all decked out in IU attire:) enjoy!

2008-12-11T07:23:00.000-08:00

2008-12-11T06:56:00.000-08:00

2008-12-11T06:51:00.000-08:00

Long time, friends!!! At the same time many things are happening and nothing is happening…just enjoying my time here and chipping away at work but I thought I’d add one last post before 2009!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!???!? I hardly can….what a year. I’ll end this post with a year-end reflection but first some bits about the last few months.

Seb, Sandra and their hubbies from Bicycles for Humanity made the trek from Canada to Namibia back in October- it was such a great visit!! They were visiting the Bicycle Empowerment Center they funded and organized and while they were here came to Nkurenkuru to check out our site as well. Bruce Edwards from CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Corporation) accompanied them to do his piece on BEN Namibia, B4H and their work here in Namibia for a World AIDS Day segment that aired on December 1st. The interview with Ndadi, my supervisor at work, made it in the final cut….I can’t wait to show him to himself on TV!! He’ll get a kick out of it for sure The time I got to spend with the B4H gang was incredible. Just reminded again how lucky I am to be connected to so many great people and the paths crossed doing international work. One night we were out to dinner….around the table were 3 Canadians, 1 Australian, 1 Brit, 1 American and 2 Spaniards. All connected in some way or meeting for the first time…my heart was filled with joy and disbelief that this is my life! I was in the company of such wonderful souls.

After their trip up north we all headed to Windhoek and met up for Indian food and Zimbabwe Jazz- Oliver Mtukudzi live in concert at Windhoek High School….another incredible evening:)

I took a mini vacation that next week to visit Obie in Opuwo. It was absolutely beautiful there and it was great to reconnect with Obie. He is one of my closest friends here and we hadn’t been able to hang out since April. He cooked great food, we went on an awesome hike, spent time with two of his amazing friends, a couple, she’s from Portugal and he is from Mozambique, drank beer and had great conversations- it was really a gift to spend time with him. I hitch hiked 662km in one day to make it back to Rundu for the Kavango Halloween party which was a blast:) Chaz and I went as Scott and Lindsey….me as scott and him as Lindsey of course ;) SNL went as Joe Plumber and Sarah Palin…..priceless:) We even did some mock interviews and I think Lindsey could give Tina Fey a run for her money!!

Since then I’ve been working through some kinks with the garden project. We’ve decided to restructure a bit- beginning in January all clients of the volunteers will be invited to work in the garden and if they chose we’ll be setting up individual gardens at their homesteads or along the river. This should have been done from the beginning, to reduce the dependency on volunteers but also to create more ownership of the project, so I’m excited to implement these changes. It’s been a bit of a headache getting to this point but I think spending 4 or so months chewing on the idea is what was needed instead of me coming in and saying this is what is best. I hope to leave the garden project as sustainable as possible, like all of the projects, so this next year is going to be a lot of handing off. A year to lay the foundation and then one more to see things run smoothly through partnership, ownership and pride in the projects! The Hostel Project is still underway but we are waiting until January to move into full force of fundraising and implementation. I’ll be meeting with the teachers to finalize connections with Clinton Young Elementary School for letter writing and they service learning project going on there and bi-weekly meetings at the hostel with the learners will begin then too. Early on I’m going to select a committee of learners to head the project. I’ll take them through an application process and explain that their involvement in this project will be something to put on their CV (Curriculum Vitae) in the future. (In the States there are ENDLESS opportunities for resume builders but here they are few and far between). This will have many components of which I am very excited- application and ‘interview’ experience, leadership development, value of volunteering, ownership of the project and just basic mentoring that will go on with myself and a small group of young men and womyn. I look forward to keeping you all updated on how this all plays out…

Probably the most exciting thing to happen in the last few months was that MY PARENTS GOT TO VISIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh the week with them was so incredible!!! We have always been close and our family is notorious for their openness and willingness to discuss ANYTHING but we have just hit this place in our relationship where ultimate comfort, respect, admiration and the closeness of our bond makes for an easy, fulfilling visit. I feel like the luckiest person on this earth when being with them and sharing them with others…I didn’t get to witness this but Ndeshi, my little friend and neighbor was walking with them to the store one day- Ndeshi is relatively quiet and a bit shy upon an initial meeting but she opened up quickly to them. On their walk in the midst of silence and enjoying the surroundings she looked up at my mom and said “Sarah told us about you before you came.” She didn’t elaborate and of course my mom got teary eyed- it’s just beautiful and a testament to their goodness that they make even people in the smallest corners of the world comfortable and free to be. It’s taken a year to get Ndeshi to be as open as she is with me and my folks just reinforced our open armed spirit by entering our world as if they have always been here. To have them visit and know my space, and my people will only bring us closer and inevitably make this next year that much more fulfilling!!

I’ll end this post by sharing my POL for this year. A POL is a Presentation of Learning- “what is a presentation of learning?
The POL is a public presentation based on your reflections of lessons learned and strides made toward self awareness and acceptance. While preparing for your POL, you will engage in self-appraisal of your growth, struggles and lessons learned over the past year.”

This is something I’ve participated in formally the past two years through Public Allies but this year my friend, Quanita Munday, invited me to participate in the Nzuzu 2008 POLs. www.nzuzu.org check out her site…

There are a few parts to the POL, a presentation and written pieces- I used to be…but now I am and This Years Top 3 Accomplishments. Un Jin Krantz was my voice for the presentation and I am so grateful to her for her willingness to connect me in a physical way to our community.

Happy Holiday’s folks….see you in 2009!!!!!!!!

POL PRESENTATION

It is he that is she that is I that is her and those who are not,
Are.

The dripping and drooling of times incessant knock knock knock at my door,
Is.

Exhausting.

Necessary.

Welcomed.

The cycle through which I navigate is anything but linear; spiraling through a series of my faults, strides both societal and internal,

Eternal.

Eternal work from a place of love not fear,
She says.

She is right. She shares and I learn and I teach,
And I learn again.

Again I learn to love.

To be honest.

To confront. To grow. To cry. To cry tears as they work through me.

Until I am me and she is her and he,

Is.

Three years ago I sat in the basement of Correyville library as Pickett Slater-Harrington shared his passion and knowledge for Asset Based Community Development.

I’ve taken that with me.

Two years ago I sat at a table with David Weaver as he talked about the being of leadership.

I’ve taken that with me.

Last year I shared space, time, and emotions with Quanita Munday as she challenged me to confront myself and my path with love and honesty.

I’ve taken that with me.

These are things I have held onto. I have had to let go of a lot. Let go of my judgments, my thoughts, what I thought I knew about the world and about humanity. I had to leave it all at the Washington DC airport as I boarded a plane for Africa and continued on my journey as it led me to Namibia as a Peace Corps volunteer.

So here are a few things I have learned over the past year and some things I hope to take with me into 2009.

It was important for me to forget what I ‘knew’ as to be conscious of not imposing my culture, values, and expectations on others. As I grew more comfortable in myself and my new environment I was able to reach back to what I brought with me and adjust my perspective accordingly. I’ve learned that this is a key problem in development- too many people come in with their idea of what’s “right” that they end up pushing themselves on the community in a way that just reinforces the “superior outside” influence. We enter places that have a strong legacy of oppression and even though our intentions are good our impact may be perpetuating a cycle that put people in a position of receiving aid in the first place. Part of me feels like Peace Corps has it all wrong. Are we in fact doing more harm than good? Are we, as volunteers learning an imbalanced amount vs. what we’re giving/teaching/sharing? Is the U.S. Government spending money on a program that feeds the souls of those who partake more than ‘helping’ the host country natives that requested our presence? I’m not sure. I’m still chewing on that one. What I do know is that this is a big question for me as far as development, systems, organizations, non-profits are concerned. As I struggle with understanding the layers wrapped up in this work I’ve tried to pay attention to how these observations affect how I operate in the community and what it means for my future.

For the past three years I have been digging deeply into communities only to pick up and leave- I see this next year as important and beneficial to my personal and professional growth, and as positive for my new community here, but I fully understand that two years anywhere is such a short amount of time to really do the kind of work in which I am interested. I find myself in a daze at the end of most weeks because I’ve been faced with so much and when looking at the bigger picture, I realize I have to set my goals or ambitions for the possibilities I see off to the side. There are simply too many layers to address in such a short amount of time. Instead of letting this upset me I’ve tried to reevaluate where I am in my life and where I want to be in a few years. I now know that I want to be in the United States; home. I used to think I wanted to live and work abroad but I’ve learned that what fuels me is my connections with people, with my community. I have connected with people here in an emotional sense too, but not in the way that serves me. I am in a place where I’m giving so much in big and little ways and at the end of the day I am empty. At the beginning of my time here I was rarely filled back up- now, thankfully, those joyful moments or times I’m able to dialogue with a close friend are more frequent, but I think part of my newfound comfort is that I’ve grown more dependent on myself for support, love, encouragement and being gentle and patient with the process.

Perhaps this is my greatest learning for this year. I’ve put myself in a place where I’m forced to be my own best friend. I was able to create a safe space for me and my “demons” to dance together and to my own surprise, perhaps my own growth, I was able to be gentle and patient with myself as I was alone with my thoughts. This is a scary process and one I could have easily avoided. Thankfully, I have surrounded myself with people at home to keep me accountable to myself. These people check-in with me and ask about my soul, my mind, how I am working on self and if I’m digging deeper; if I’m living purposefully. These people also share their process with me and invite me to bear witness to their journeys. In this way, feeling accountable to a mindful community and to my own self, I have been able to not hide in the corners of Nkurenkuru or behind false images but continue to live an authentic life. I’m proud of that and grateful to those who keep me honest.

I affirmed in myself that I am a strong confident womyn who still possesses the need to continue to be introspective. This is what keeps me whole and this is what keeps me connected in a deep spiritual way to my community back home.

This, you, is what I hope to always take with me.

I USED TO BE….BUT NOW I AM….

I used to cry weekly now I cry at the same frequency as being back home. Maybe I’m at home here now…

I used to hate running, now I run three times a week.

I used to see journaling as a chore that I didn’t connect to, now I find a unique comfort in it.

I used to let the water run while I brushed my teeth, now I don’t. :)

I used to think I wanted to live and work abroad indefinitely, now I know I want my work to be in the States.

I’m good at sharing but I used to keep some things just for me, now I practice letting go and sharing everything. It’s liberating.

I used to pray only when I was scared on airplanes, now I pray, mediate, spend silent reflection moments before each meal and often throughout the week.

I used to think Peace Corps was just the next step on my path, now I wonder if I did run away from something. I haven’t processed this one fully….

I used to be patient with others, but now am also patient with myself.

I used to have a distorted view of Africa, development, poverty, now I have a more global perspective of the latter two and a more tangible sense of the Southern part of the continent.

THIS YEAR’S TOP THREE EVENTS:

1. Uukumwe Bike Shop
a. When I first arrived at my site, Nkurenkuru, I heard concerns and complaints about lack of affordable transport to reach clients of home base care volunteers. Over the past 9 months I helped organize the implementation of a bike project with BEN Namibia (Bicycling Empowerment Network), HIV/AIDS and Malaria volunteers in Nkurenkuru, and private donors from the U.S. Now we have the Uukumwe Bike Shop providing affordable bikes to the community and even free bikes to volunteers. The physical implementation of this income generating project is a great accomplishment. The process we went through in getting it here I felt provided the right amount of ownership and collaboration but now we are a few months into the project and I’m realizing I could have done a lot more to ensure it’s success. I’ll be spending the next year trying to iron out the details of this project making sure it is sustainable and running smoothly even after I leave. I’m proud of the leadership skills I have transferred to Markus, a colleague and friend, and those innate leadership skills I have nurtured within him.
2. Being gentle with myself
a. A great personal accomplishment has been learning how to be gentle and patient with myself. In professional and personal work I have going on. Because I am more isolated here than I ever have been in my entire life I’ve had to be my own best friend. If I didn’t dig in and ground myself in a gentle and nurturing way then I would be leading a life of self-destruction for two years. I remember writing affirming notes to myself the first few months here. I had to. I had to tell myself I loved myself and be so kind and gentle because everything was so extremely hard. And if I didn’t learn to give myself those strokes here I would be completely lost. It’s easy to jump into negative self-talk so I worked a lot on talking myself down when getting overwhelmed and talking myself up when I didn’t want to get out of bed. This was gentle talk with work but also translated into my personal life too. I’m hard on myself with my patterns and it’s easy to say ‘get a clue Sarah!” but instead I was gentle with my own learning curve. That helped identify ‘issues’ and work through them instead of against them. I am proud of this accomplishment because it helps me truly act and be from a space of love, not fear.
3. More environmentally conscious
a. Before coming here I thought I was pretty conscious of the environment and my own footprint but after a year I realize I have taken that consciousness to another level. I see more ways to live green and simple and know that when I move back home my life will reflect that even more.

A Call to Action: PART I- the story…

2008-10-16T05:06:00.000-07:00

Hostel Project

This morning we laid the second to last brick of our foundation. The
foundation- the strongest layer of a building; the strongest layer of
ourselves. Our roots, our life source, our pool from which we pull
energy during difficult times. The foundation- unbreakable,
reinforced with empowerment of the individual and unifying the
community. A pivotal brick in our Hostel Project foundation is the
learners. For bureaucratic purposes- 'the beneficiaries.' But if we
address a situation with labels other than names- Franz, Ana, Ndeshi,
Lucas- then we are raping the foundation of its identity. We take away
the human factor. "we need to make this place better so people
walking by will know that ah, people live there."

We need to make this place better so people walking by will know that
PEOPLE live there- PEOPLE, HUMANS, CHILDREN- this comment from Lucas
this morning speaks volumes. People now pass by and see
accommodations unfit for dogs.

Is that where you live? Do you wake up in a bed, with a roof over
your head, with clean walls and clean floors, with a kitchen down the
hall full of food that you will eat to satisfy your morning hunger?
Do you wake up in that environment and feel like a PERSON? Do you
feel like an empowered, valued, important contributing member of
society? Or do you wake up in filth? Do you wake up in a wire twin bed
frame with sheets as a mattress NEXT TO your sister because there are
not enough beds? Do you wake up wondering if there will be porridge
waiting for you so you don't have to go hungry to school? Do you wake
up with mosquitoes and water born diseases from a leaking roof? COULD
YOU WAKE UP IN THAT AND FEEL LIKE A PERSON?

For the past seven months I have been working on a project with my
community. A problem was identified and we have been taking baby
steps, laying the foundation, for its solution. Pastor Karueyva and
Tate Ndadi, two prominent community leaders approached me in April of
this year about the hostel conditions for learners at Nkurenkuru
Combined School. Like many schools in Namibia, learners live nine
months out of the year in Hostels assigned to their individual school.
Learners are able to go home for school holidays and 'out weekends'
allowing them to see their families, work on the farm and/or take care
of any other household responsibilities. During the school year
however, learners pack a bag and head for their respective hostel
schools to live, to eat, to sleep, to study, to play; to grow up. In
Nkurenkuru Town, a newly proclaimed town in Namibia, Africa, the
hostels housing 150 learners are utterly inhumane. Eroding walls and
ceilings, standing water in the bathroom and showers which only
perpetuates the Malaria epidemic (Nkurenkuru is situated in a Malaria
hot-zone), an outdoor 'kitchen' with two large pots, and piles of
trash acting as landfills adjacent to the hostel bedrooms, wire framed
beds with no or extremely thin foam mattresses and few mosquito nets
covering the learners while they sleep- the picture I am painting is
hardly doing the situation justice.

If learners are expected to be alert, productive, and healthy students
in their classrooms they certainly deserve a suitable place to lay
their heads at night. Basic human rights are being violated and we are
trying to do something about it. If this project is not implemented
learners will go on living in these terrible conditions. The hope we
will have instilled in them by starting the project, but not seeing it
through, will be ripped away and will add to a mentality of
hopelessness. Therefore, in the eyes of Nkurenkuru, incompletion of
the project is not an option.

After several small meetings with the pastor and Tate Ndadi I was able
to come home and talk a bit about this project at our church The
Journey. This step was another piece of the puzzle- spreading the
word, getting the momentum going, planting the seed so when ready, we
could mobilize not only the local but international community to
address this issue. From the discussion at The Journey I came back
and held a meeting at the school with the teachers to talk about
partnering with a school (or multiple schools) in the states for
service learning projects. "Letter writing is part of our syllabus
and we just have the learners write to something fake. If we can
write to someone it will make it real, it will make it important. We
can share our stories and share our culture and learn about their
culture too." - Ms. Muronga, English teacher. Christine Muronga sees
the need for hands on learning- coupling teaching with action- now we
are going to help her implement that idea by partnering with Kathy
Buck and the learners at Clinton Young Elementary School in Indianapolis to start
building relationships and eventually addressing needs listed above.

After the meeting with the teachers, we scheduled a community meeting
but it was postponed because of three funerals on the same day at the
church….That didn't stop our momentum, however, and this morning we
met with the learners at the hostel. "I am in the business of
solutions, not the business of problems. We all see with our own eyes
what the problems are…let's talk this morning about solutions." I
led a discussion on how, before we look abroad, we have to look at
hom; we have to look inside and with every problem identified we must
think "what can I do?" "what is MY part?" We talked about
empowerment, creating change in ourselves to affect change on the
outside, leadership and responsibility. We ended with a raucous chant
"I AM" "THE SOLUTION" "I AM" "THE SOLUTION" TOGETHER!! " WE ARE" THE
SOLUTION!!

After our rescheduled community meeting, the final step on laying our
foundation, we will be entering the next phase of our solution. Our
vision to see these learners in a better environment, in a suitable
environment for PEOPLE.

Soon we will be asking the international community for help. For your
energy. For your time. For your money. These things will not be
asked for in a premature fashion. This 'ask' is coming after 7 months
of mobilizing a community that wants to help itself. A community that
doesn't want to "open our mouths and shut our eyes to gifts from those
abroad" – Pastor Karuyeva. This is a community who is putting in
effort on the ground- we will be making our own bricks, doing the
construction of the building, holding educational classes on
cleanliness and hygiene, community clean-ups, pen pal programs, local
fundraisers, and taking the steps to guarantee sustainability by
knowing how to take care of our new environment when the project is
completed. This is a community that is willing to put in effort to
create their own reality but also humble enough to recognize they are
not an island. They do indeed need a hand from those on the outside.

Not a hand that will keep them crippled, dependent on foreign aid or
reliant on others playing a super hero- but a hand that acknowledges
and affirms a global community. A hand that reflects a global cry for
human rights and value placed on EVERY human life.

A conscious hand that will take in consideration all of the layers
that have created this current living situation: colonialism,
apartheid, corruption, situational and generational poverty, apathy
rooted in the constant devaluing of human life.

We have three goals of our project: mattresses for every learner,
mosquito nets for every learner, and a new hostel building for the
girls. It took five years for a hostel to be built for the boys- they
now have their new building but have yet to move in….

A new home, new beds, new nets- this will happen with a collective
effort. It takes a village….as Americans we beat this phrase to
death- but that is the message here in Nkurenkuru and that is our
message to you at home. Join our village and help raise these
children.

Soon there will be a projected budget and a tax-deductible link where
you can donate money for the new hostel building. If you are a
teacher and want to partner with a classroom here for a pen-pal
program or to do a service learning project to help raise money for
mattresses you can contact me any time. (buffiesh@gmail.com) It's
US$18 for one mattress and there are 150 learners. If you want to
write letters to thank the women of Indianapolis Women's Prison for
their hard-work and dedication to this project by assembling 150
mosquito nets for us, please contact Ron Branson
Ronald.branson@yahoo.com and share your thoughts. Ron was such a big
first step in helping this project start to take form!!

There are many ways to play a part in this project, in this community,
in the lives of these children who are the next generation of
teachers, community leaders, doctors, nurses, journalists, councilmen
and women, mothers, fathers…. At the very least, we ask you, I ask
you, to join us in our reflection and our mantra as we move forward in
creating our own reality: WHAT IS MY PART?

2008-10-09T03:47:00.000-07:00

2008-10-09T03:28:00.000-07:00

just playin with my favorite monkey. shiku, not chaz:)

2008-09-30T09:07:00.001-07:00

Bike shop, outdoors, and a sale:)

A Visit From Bicycles for Humanity, Colorado's Josh and Keenan

2008-09-30T08:58:00.000-07:00

What an incredible gift!! Last week I got to spend a few days with
Josh Pace and Keenan Gates from Bicycles for Humanity Colorado. They,
along with their partners in CO, had been working for the past year
collecting bikes and fundraising for their shipment to Namibia. About
six months ago I learned of them and that they would be our partners
in the BEN Bikes project! We exchanged a few exciting emails about
how things were coming together on this end and finally, after much
anticipation they made the long trek to our village and got to see the
project on the ground!! Watching them reunite with the container they
worked so hard to organize months prior was so wonderful and having
them here, taking it all in was amazing!!

We shared a beer on my stoop late Sunday evening which was their first
night in Namibia. The next morning after a failed attempt at an
opening ceremony of the shop (a blessing in disguise) Josh, Keenan and
Michael put on some play clothes and got to work putting the roof on
the shop. Now the oven-like effect of the metal container is a
lessened a bit:) The organizing of the ceremony was to be done by the
volunteers and several key things were missing which came apparent
when only the speakers for the event showed up. So after a pep talk
from Ndadi about project planning, responsibility, accountability,
follow-through etc we decided to regroup and scramble to organize
something for Tuesday morning. It was a long day for all but by 10:00
the next morning the ceremony was in full swing and after a few
speeches, many thank you's and lots of translating we opened the doors
to Uukumwe Bike Shop and the selling commenced! The four of us left
the shop to the bike mechanics/managers and tooled around Nkurenkuru
and surrounding areas seeing the sites and chatting about Namibia,
Africa, work, play, just anything and everything trying not to be
TOTALLY overwhelmed by the fact that this was day 3 for Josh and
Keenan!! It was so great to have them here to process with and share a
bit of my world. They are very thoughtful, in tune, down to earth,
excited, and encouraging. Two guys who really 'get it.'

It was also nice to reflect on how a year has almost gone by and how
well adjusted I seem to be since my time here. Being with them in
their first moments in this place, community, culture and cultural
norms- it was amazing to hear about their process as their eyes,
hearts, and minds became full from everything Nkurenkuru has to offer
those who are open to it! I was remembering how affected I was by
some of the living conditions of some in the community and especially
the hospital grounds- my boat was really rocked and those sites were
very heavy and now, after being here and understanding some of the
dynamics and now being in a position to address them, I am less
burdened by some of these harsh realities. Thankfully my experiences
have not left me jaded or cynical, just motivated to take action and
help support my community. Sharing not only the sites but also
dialoguing with Josh and Keenan was helpful in wrapping my head around
some of the issues as well as just sharing with them with an outsider.

Now, after drinks, laughs, stories, a few evenings with Meme Selma,
eating with our hands and sweating together in the Spring heat of
Namibia they are no longer outsiders but now members of this
community! A community that will forever be changed by their hard
work and extreme generosity!!!! A special thank you to all at
Bicycles for Humanity for the energy you sent us and will continue to
send through your efforts. Cheers to uniting our global community!!!

Peace.

2008-09-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

Uukumwe Bike Shop Grand Opening!

2008-09-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

We're coming up on the end of the Uukumwe Bike Shop training!!
Friday's stock taking and evaluation will conclude the six weeks of
hard work put in by the mechanics, BEN Namibia mechanic trainers and
CISP business trainer. CISP is an Italian NGO that supports projects
on business management so that folks without prior knowledge of
business skills will be equipped to run their operation successfully.
The two weeks with Bernadette from CISP have been WONDERFUL. She was
incredibly thorough starting with basic topics such as "what is a
business" building to stock taking and inventory, marketing
strategies, customer care and the like. BEN Namibia really has it
figured out. As an organization they have set themselves up to
nurture the BEC projects from A-Z with complete training and an 18
month hands-on monitoring and evaluation program to ensure as much as
possible the success of the shop. Our opening ceremony will be Monday
22 Sept where we'll be honored to have Josh and Keenan from Bicycles
for Humanity visiting from Colorado and Michael from BEN Namibia here
in Windhoek! Several months ago the folks at B4H loaded the container
with bikes and supplies and now it is on the ground, painted and doors
open as a bike shop!!

The guys will be staying at my friend Selma's guest house. You have
seen her in pictures…the meme from the garden pictures eating the
cabbage leaves…the one who said she had sweet potatoes for us to plant
as big as her calf…she is a riot!! She insists that I am her
grandmother reincarnated heeheheh:) Quick story…. "Nkure Nkuru" as the
name of our town actually means "Old Nkure." Nkuru means old and Mr.
Nkure used to live in this area and YEARS ago people would say Tani zi
koNkure Nkuru- I'm going to Old Nkure's place" and it just stuck! So
you can put Nkuru after anyones name if they are your elder…Selma's
grandmother's name was Sarah. So they call her Sarah Nkuru and now
she and her mom call me sarah nkuru:) Selma loves community and having
people around her place…she is always eating and drinking with company
and if you stop by just to say hi she'll bring out fruit or water. Of
course water isn't what you think it is: "wine is my water!" hahaha
she's always saying that and you'll never find her without a 5litre
bottle on hand! She said her grandmother also loved community and
"people from internationals" and she never met a stranger! Selma
speaks about 10 different languages- "you know, I must know the
languages, how am I supposed to speak to my people if I don't know
their languages! I'm speaking everything. If you come to my house I'm
speaking with you, and drinking my water with you!"

Friday night we went over there to visit and they (her family and the
6+ kids she has taken in, guest house guests and some relatives) were
eating dinner and 'enjoying.' Big Boy (her son's name!!) went in to
fetch the new 5litre bottle of red wine and we spent the next few
hours laughing continuously, telling stories, and listening to her
hilariousness. Eventually she started going on and on about a
'baboon in clothe-ez." We had no idea what she was talking about so
she got up from the table and grabbed a flashlight and we all ventured
over to the tree in her yard….she kept pointing the light upwards in
the branches and all of a sudden a monkey with a PINK TSHIRT on
appeared!! Hahhahahah I thought I was going to die…she has a pet
monkey in a tree on a chain with a pink t shirt! No, this is not a
normal thing folks…she is just that funny!

Tonight I'm making a cake and papaya pie for her husband's birthday
party. They will have plenty of 'water' and beer and whiskey this
time as a special treat! Should be a great time:)

"Learning to stand on my own two feet"

2008-09-11T07:28:00.000-07:00

(for CDR, a trip down pisdmemory lane)

In an effort to present a balanced perspective of my time here I want
share a more upbeat post :) Many times when I'm moved to write it's
after something major happens- sharing the day-to-day seems like a bit
much and because of limited internet access I wait to post until I've
had time to sit with the personal/professional challenges and
successes that arise. However 'intense' my posts may sound, my intent
is to welcome the reader into my process; not dramatize a situation
but to express my inner monologue in a way that tells a story while
simultaneously helping me to work through different issues. Isolation
has taken on a new meaning since being here and sometimes my only
outlet for 'dialogue' and feedback is through this blog. This leads
me to the title of the post….

Two years ago I was in my second year at Public Allies. That year I
served in the office as a community service project coordinator
charged with the responsibility of planning and implementing three
service projects for 30 Allies, Fellows and staff. This was my first
real attempt at planning a big project from start to finish 'alone.'
While the projects came off as a success I struggled to get the first
project off the ground and in general seeing the whole picture of
project planning. I was surrounded by an incredibly supportive staff
and team of Allies that acted as a sounding board, offered
constructive advice, connected me with able people in the community to
assist, and most of all were there to tie up all of the loose ends I
was forgetting when it came down to the last minute before the service
days began. I was confident at connecting people, networking in the
community, asset based approaches and fostering ideas of my own or
others but I struggled immensely with the little things and when it
came down to the wire there were many gaps in my planning. I was
always putting the cart before horse and unaware of everything that
went into bringing an idea into a product. Luckily, my dudes came
through and the projects were implemented in a successful manner :)

Coming here I have been stripped of that very important support
system. Besides a few phone calls a month and some friends here who
are scattered across the country (all for which I am very grateful!!)
I'm in a position where I'm forced to grow in this way if I want to
see success in my efforts. I'm excited for this professional growth
and thankful for those who carried me to this point. While I have a
different kind of team here I definitely feel like an island most days
when it comes to the background work it takes to reach a point of
clear communication, mobilizing folks in the community, crossing
cultural boundaries, moving forward with solutions to problems, and
connecting all of the dots of this job. I suppose that comes from an
absence a job description, living in a new setting, adjusting to a new
culture etc but I'm definitely seeing where this kind of isolation is
forcing me to a new professional level and standing on my own to see a
process from start to finish.

The shift was most noticeable to me recently when I started sharing
the first steps of the Hostel School Project with potential partners.
Four months ago the Pastor of the Lutheran Church and my supervisor
Tate Ndadi approached me to help find mattresses for the Hostels where
the learners stay during the school term. Through further discussion
and research of the hostels I realized that there were more components
than just mattresses and it was going to take on a large scale project
involving wider community participation. I've spent the last few
months communicating with community members, mapping out the different
layers, setting the stage for the first steps of planning and finally
this week got a draft plan written down on paper. The two page
document created is for the sole purpose of inviting other parties to
join in our efforts. Whether this is the local, national or
international community we are now ready to start rounding up the
troops to take the necessary steps at implementing our project ideas!
I'm sure this is pretty vague to any of you who do not know many
details of the Hostel School project but I'm preparing more literature
that will be posted soon!! To be continued….

"The Hiccup"

2008-09-09T15:04:00.000-07:00

Coming off of the high of the bike shop arrival and the garden
producing ample amounts of bright green cabbage, I was left vulnerable
to the anxiety filled hiccup of last weeks turn of events. The
inevitable ebb after a smooth sailing flow knocked the wind out of me
for a minute.

Last week Tuesday, four random people stopped me to share some
uplifting news: "you're garden is failing," "the people don't care
about the garden anymore since the bikes are here," "people are
stealing from the garden," "why aren't your people watering anymore?"
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh all in the matter of about ten minutes as I was ending
my day…. I took some deep breaths and made a turn at the garden to
indeed, find it dry without water. I set my bag down and spent the
last thirty minutes of daylight with the hose doing the work as my
mind wandered furiously. "How do I address this situation? How do I
round up volunteers and communicate why this is a problem? How do I
express the fact that this problem is just a micro version of why
things are so messed up around here and why so much money and time is
spent on the HIV/AIDS issues but the epidemic continues to rise at
unimaginable rates? What are we doing wrong? What am I doing wrong?
Should we change our plan? Will that confuse people? Bigger picture,
bigger picture…WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?!?! Whew…..Deep breaths, walk
home, write to a friend as an attempt to wrap head around said
dilemma:

The garden and the bike shop- Two projects that work hand in hand and
the end result is: to help volunteers do their jobs better- the garden
enables them to provide food for their clients and the bikes enable
them to reach their clients who are up to 15kilometers away in a
timely fashion.

Enter real life application:

It sounds so simple doesn't it? In January I sat with all of the
volunteers, one by one, as a group, and we've been meeting every
Monday since then discussing their concerns and thinking of ways to
address them…..the needs were food and transportation. Now, after the
first distribution of the garden harvest I'm being told that folks
have lost interest and they are more concerned about the bikes. The
whole purpose of the bikes is so they can take food FROM THE GARDEN to
their clients. I'm going to start putting that into quotes because
I'm starting to think there are no clients….sure, 20% of the community
is HIV positive but the 'volunteers' who are supposed to care for
these people are talking the talk and not walkin…or riding….the walk.
I mean I had this concern before but we worked it out where the first
distribution the clients would come to the garden for a
ceremony….since then we have had little issues about who gets what but
I keep reiterating what I think is the most simple thing…pass by the
garden on your way to see your clients pick up some veggies and
deliver!

This isn't an unusual problem…this is the systematic issue and got me
all twisted at the beginning of my time here and is still difficult to
wrap my mind around….this issue of theory vs. practical. The gap
between donors and recipients. The fact that MILLIONS OF DOLLARS flood
into Namibia (Africa for that matter) and after a certain point their
impact just stops. It hits a brick wall…example:

USAID gives funds to Catholic AIDS Action who gives funds to their
branch in Namiba who then spends the money on a training of volunteers
to do home base care in a village- the money is used to buy food for a
two week training, pens and notebooks, and certificates for completing
the course. The community is told about the training so the first 20
people to register get in- they get food for two weeks and a
certificate to validate their efforts. After the training a few
things happen: 1. the volunteers get bags with a few bandages,
Vaseline, pain killers and rubber gloves in order to tend to their
clients. Five of the twenty are active but all 20 send in "reports" at
the end of the month saying their clients received care and in return
they get a stipend of N$50 a month (US$6.60). 2. volunteers get bags,
5 of twenty are active, no one turns in reports and eventually the
five active run out of materials in their kits and they quit. 3.
volunteers get bags, five of twenty are 'active' in the sense that
they complain monthly about how their clients live too far away so
they cant reach them and their clients need food to take their ARVs
but they have nothing to give them…. 4. volunteers don't get bags
because they haven't submitted reports…..but the volunteers have
nothing to report because they don't have bags to go visit their
clients with. Meanwhile CAA is still running smoothly at a level
other than the grassroots and they continue to get funding despite the
fact that there is no follow through in their outreach. This same
story can be said for any organization out there….

I wonder if I sound cynical and pessimistic….actually I'm just telling
the truth of what I'm seeing on the ground. And as someone who comes
from the states…where education, critical thinking, brainstorming, and
seeing the bigger picture are all valued and expected- I'm just
overwhelmed. I want to address the issues of the garden and the bike
shop but I don't even know where to begin because of the cultural
barriers, issues of poverty, collaboration, accountability, etc etc.
For example- if I was dealing with this issue in the states I could
rationally say to someone "dude, do you see what's going on around
you? People are dying of aids…not just people, your family members.
Your community. The fact that you pose as a volunteer for red cross
but don't actually do anything except show up once a month when your
supervisor visits (from two hours away) to collect your stipend…well
that's INSANE" ok, that wasn't exactly rational or appropriate but
you know what I mean? It's like trying to reason with a two year-old:
"why did you spill the juice?!?!?! It's in the carpet now?! Don't
you know juice stains!?!" ….uh, the kid is two, of course he doesn't
know juice stains, get a life self!"

I'm overwhelmed in attempting to explain this situation …with every
sentence I want to add commentary about another layer uncovered by the
previous problem but it's just impossible to articulate it all. I
guess it all just seems like too much and as much as I want to stay
calm, and relaxed- this is my job, and I'm hitting a point where I
don't know how to do it. I know how to fumble across all of the
issues and build community and make relationships stronger by focusing
on the little things, I know how to have the conversation with people
one at a time and plant the seeds of goodness and compassion and model
behavior like accountability and hard work…all of these things are
things I'm going to do but it just doesn't seem like enough. And at
the same time it's all I can do.

"Reinventing the Snowflake"

After writing, receiving positive words from friends and family and
reaching deep into my 'toolbox' of skills I brought with and have
acquired here I mapped out a first step. Monday was our usual time to
meet so I decided to structure it a bit differently in order to get us
on the same page. Usually I take a back seat as much as possible to
encourage ownership, empower natural leaders to step up and in an
effort to not reinforce a hierarchy based on skin color, country of
origin etc. But now, after 9 months, these guys and gals are my dudes
and we're in desperate need of someone takin' the reigns on this one.

We started the meeting off by outlining our progress thus far. I
facilitated the timeline reiterating what we had done over the past 8
months: we went from January, our initial meeting as a group and
individuals where I heard them express their strengths and weaknesses
as organizations, February where we started Monday Meetings and
addressed the needs of food and transportation, to March where we
began working towards solutions- writing a proposal to get garden
materials and making initial contact with BEN Namibia…April we
received funding and began sowing seeds in the ground, May, continued
watering, transplanting etc and by June we had food growing and BEN
Bikes arrival was right around the corner. In July we distributed
food to clients, training at Uukumwe Bike shop commenced and
Nkurenkuru was flying high.

When we got to the month of August I asked for input from the group.
First, I told them how proud I was of their hard work and how it was
pretty amazing that eight months ago I didn't know any of them and
they had never worked as a team before! Mutenda said we should give
ourselves a clap because of what we had accomplished thus far! We
cheered and clapped and I introduced them to the phrase "give
yourselves a pat on the back!" Afterwards we looked at August….at
first there was silence and then Miriam made my point for me: "There
is no watering going on and the food is dying and people are more
worried about bikes." This started a discussion about why this is a
problem especially since now we have the bikes. I was able to clearly
point out how we started with problems, now we had solutions, and what
problems were thus arising. This was well received as we entered into
another phase of problem-solving. We discussed solutions to the
garden and how to make improvements with watering, distribution,
overall care of the garden and we also talked about the purpose of the
bikes and that if their purpose was being abused then we would have to
take steps to assure accountability and proper responsibility.

To help look at how these projects are to assist in their work vs. add
another responsibility to their plates, we did a weekly mapping
activity where we looked at a typical week, Sunday-Saturday, 6am to
6pm. I took David as an example and he realized he had four hours
carved out of his Wednesday to water the garden- well since it only
takes about thirty minutes we talked about how this could be a good
time to look at what else might need to be done; weeding, adding
pesticides, planting more seed beds, singing to the plants….etc etc
etc :)

Two hours later we finally adjourned and I was feeling pretty darn
good. In conversation with Amanda that evening, I was expressing
concern that I didn't want to be reinventing the wheel with these
folks, in regards to garden distribution etc, and she shared the
following wisdom: You're not reinventing the wheel…you're reinventing
the snowflake! There have been many snowflakes to fall down before
but they are all different and unique. There are so many things that
are specific about the situation, the group, the process- hold on to a
basic foundation of group work but mold your next steps according to
the energy of those at the table!

"A reflection"

As a group we have taken a step in the right direction. This fact
makes me happy but far from satisfied. We have a long way to go and
seeing a clear path is increasingly difficult but I've realized a few
things…. First, as much as I don't want to hand-hold for the next 15
months I'm understanding that that is exactly what I need to do. Not
because people aren't capable but because all of this is so new.
Collaboration, follow through, accountability, multi-tasking- all of
these concepts are being introduced in a new way and to let go
prematurely would be moving at a pace too fast for the community. I
suppose this can be a negative consequence of any development work….
Secondly, I've bonded with my community in a new way. Like I
mentioned before, I like to take a back seat in our Monday meetings to
allow for growth of the group without imposing too many ideas or
reinforcing a hierarchy. I've built relationships and together we
have built a community of understanding and mutual respect and I'm
seeing where me stepping in and taking a more direct leadership role
could have benefits rather than negative consequences. Of course
there is always a balance and I'll strive to find that.

We are far from figuring out a smooth operation of the garden and the
distribution of its food but going through this process has been
important and we'll continue to build off of that. It's something I
need to constantly remind myself of, and be reminded by others, that
out of any project we work on together during this two year period
it's the outlying factors that will have the most lasting effect-
laughing together, celebrating birthdays and new born babies,
scratched up knees and elbows from riding a bike for the first time,
breaking bread together, taking pictures and dancing around like
maniacs at the local bar, escorting a friend to get tested for HIV and
being there for another when death consumes yet another weekend. It's
meeting consistently and following a process from A-Z, hiking to and
from Rundu 8 deep in the back of a truck…these are the things that we
have to hold onto when hiccups happen. And they always will.
:)

2008-08-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

if you go to the left and click on "nothing like a near disaster...." and start from there and read up it will all make more sense!! :) there are pictures below that text but that post will set the stage.... ENJOY!!

2008-08-11T10:47:00.000-07:00

ok, one more thing....the cutest thing happened today...i was on my way home COMPLETELY exhausted and i ran into the girls who get water from my tap for their house....they dont speak any english so we greeted and had some little small talk. i said 'ah, na raroka!" i'm tired! and they immediatly took the three water bottles out of my hand and my backpack off my shoulders and carried my stuff the rest of the way home!! it was hilarious:) aaaaaaaaaand adorable:)

2008-08-11T10:36:00.000-07:00

so, we're working hard but having fun too:) friday night after the never-ending (wonderful) day scott, lindsey and i celebrated a friends birthday!! it was awesome...the best part was hanging before in the salon while they ladies got ready...the salon is attached to the bar. as you can see we had some fun with the wigs:) hehehe

2008-08-11T10:27:00.000-07:00

2008-08-11T10:23:00.001-07:00

the pictures directly below and above are from the training!! we started today and it's already been awesome:) the mechanic team each picked a bike to fix-up to ride to lunch!! My favorite is moses with his pink beauty...he LOVES THAT THING!! hahaha :) the meme in front of the building is lillian...she was a cleaner at the bed and breakfast when i visited back in november and when i returned she had quit there and started her own buisness- cooking and selling food under the tree!!! since january she has expanded from one table to three and benches:) I asked her to cater our 6 week workshop and she got permission to house us in the little building next to her tree!!! Thanks to the Buffie/Henson/Shaw/Smith families we're able to eat each day and support a local buisness womyn!!

2008-08-11T10:15:00.000-07:00

2008-08-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

2008-08-11T09:51:00.000-07:00

2008-08-11T09:47:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a near disaster to bring a group closer!

FRIDAY WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My attempt now to relay the magic that happened last Friday will not do the experience justice! But I’ll try my best:)

First of all I have to share that now now my little neighbors are on my front stoop playing Uno. They’ve been over almost everyday for the past week or so playing, having dance parties, coloring, reading and the like. Now they don’t even knock anymore which is great, hilarious, and a bit obnoxious all at the same time:) They make me laugh and can entertain themselves just by looking at all the weird ‘merican stuff in my house so it’s all good. Yesterday a few of them even started cleaning my house when I was doing the dishes!! I gave them the book Little Mermaid last week and Saturday morning we watched the movie and ate popcorn. I told the girls that in my home we always eat popcorn when watching movies and Ndapandula said “yeah, I’ve seen it in the movies!” PRICELESS! Oh, and the gifty’s are pouring in….Tuesday Ndeshi brought me sweets and the Monday before Marta and Maria brought a small bag of Mahangu- the traditional grain used to make porridge. Fuuuuuuuuuuunnny :)

Oooooooooooook now for FRIDAY!! First the story, then a reflection…

Ideal Scene: a 4 hour procedure to offload a 12meter container full of bikes off of a truck bed with a front end loader and 6 poles.

Our Scene: an 11 hour day, 9 hour procedure, and 4 poles. Ready, GO!

The Uukumwe Nkurenkuru Bike Shop has been an idea since January. We’ve discussed as a group, identified it as a need for our community, written a proposal, chosen a management team, met with the project coordinators from the capital, received news from our partners at Bicycles for Humanity (THANK YOU JOSH PACE!) that the container full of bikes was being shipped to arrive in country on June 21, waited as the container went through a revamping adding a door and windows so it could function as a shop and then finally….the call: the container was on it’s way!!! At 4:00pm Thursday the truck left Windhoek and began the 12hour journey north to Nkurenkuru. At 7am Friday morning I got the call that the driver was in Rundu, now just two hours away, the final stretch on the dirt road. I called our team and met them at the town council to receive our plot of land for the shop.

Filled with excitement, this is where the chaos started:

We’d been asking for land since April, checking in almost every day, and just Friday we were granted a grassy plot with thorn bushes strewn throughout. So, we got the tools from the garden and started clearing the land so we would have space for the truck to offload the container. In the midst of hacking through the thorns we heard a rumbling in the distance….looking up towards the road we saw a huge orange truck tearing down the path and so we ran to the road to flag it our way. This is when the delivery of the container became the towns entertainment for the day- everyone wondering what it was doing all the way out here, gathered around to see what would become of it. Now we had to get the front loader from the town council and poles to help offload- NORED, the electric company said we could borrow telephone poles from them but had left early in the morning without handing them over so now we were on the hunt. The longer the truck was here the more we had to pay and we didn’t have the budget for that so we really had to buckle down and find these poles. We split up and after an hour and trips to homesteads, NORED, the hospital, hardware store, grocery and even looking in the bush we managed to find four poles. All different sizes, three of them wooden, one a steel pipe. Now that we had the poles we needed a truck to transport them to the container- I saw one in front of the hardware store and asked for his help but after refusing we spotted a tractor from the hospital- the guys and I loaded them up and finally made it back to the container thinking now it was all downhill from here!

At 10:00am we started the offloading process: no one here had ever done this procedure before; not the truck driver, off loader, myself or anyone else present so I was on the phone with Michael in Windhoek getting the play-by-play, I showed the off loader a video of what it’s supposed to look like and everyone standing around had their opinions too. Eventually we hooked up the chains and started to lift the container to get the poles underneath in order to role it off the truck. The first attempt left the off loader airborne! Third and fourth attempts almost knocked the container sideways off the truck- three hours later with only one of four poles underneath, the off loader driver decided it was time for his lunch break unless we were going to pay overtime….!!!!!!!!! He locked up the machine and left, saying he would be back at 2:00. I was a bit crushed knowing now we would definitely go over the time budgeted to have the truck here and with no real end in sight. Michael had suggested a last resort could be to break the lock of the container and start unloading bikes to lighten the load- I suggested this to the group and with a single nod and a glimmer of hope in their eyes we got a rock and pounded off the lock.

Opening up that container was like Christmas morning!!! To see the look on the faces of these folks who have waited, planned, dreamed about this project coming to fruition….to hear their gasps as they soaked up the view of hundreds of bikes they would be unloading, spending the next 6 weeks repairing getting ready for selling and riding… to watch little kids walk by on their way home from school with utter amazement and confusion….it was incredible! Moses and I jumped up in the container and started unpacking one by one- with each bike he would say “ah, this one, this one is mine!” but then the next one would be even nicer and now that would be his….Markus joined and the three of us passed out all of the stuff that the folks in Canada loaded up for us not just bikes but spare parts, water bottles, national geographic magazines, shirts, bike stands, a table and shelves for the shop, tools, tires, lunch bags, even a lone softball! And my personal favorite….a huge piece of cardboard spray painted with a peace sign and the message “To Namibia with love from Canada!”

It was the most amazing two hours of my life thus far- we unloaded, laughed, dreamt about the possibilities we had with this shop, smiled at every single thing we passed from inside to the folks helping on the ground, took pictures and just ENJOYED EVERY SECOND!! After we unloaded a third of the truck we decided it’s best not to take them all out because we would never get the bikes back in! Around 3:30 the driver returned and this time we meant business: the front loader lifted the container higher and we got all four poles underneath then it attached itself to one end, the truck driver was in the other and at the count of three the truck started to drive forwards allowing the container to roll off. All of a sudden the container came crashing down on top of one of the poles smashing it to pieces and BLAMO the Uukumwe Bike Shop was in it’s new home!!!! Cheering and screaming and more pictures commenced and the smiles were endless. Now we just needed to reload the goods, buy a new lock and end the day. Of course that took another three hours and we couldn’t fit all the stuff so we loaded a hospital truck with everything leftover and now my sitting room is full of bicycle goodness:) Now it was dark, everyone was sore and exhausted from the long day of working together. Markus and Moses showered at my place and we discussed the possibility of them camping out to protect the shop since the lock could just be broken easily. Eventually it was decided that we’d just hope for goodness to surround it throughout the night!

The next two mornings Beatilda called me before 7am letting me know everything was safe…..she had been watching during the night and was back at post by sun-up:) WHAT A RIDE!!!!!! :)

Now for a reflection…. The day was INSANE, nothing went as planned, everything took longer cause we were walking to and from places to find poles, trucks, locks, bread and water cause no time for a lunch break for the rest of us, we couldn’t call anyone to communicate after 11:00am so if we had a message for someone we had to go find them and Michael could no longer assist from afar. Some folks in the community whose help we desperately needed were not finding it in them to assist while those of us involved in the project and random kids from the village helped all day. So many times we needed a break from folks, just to borrow poles or transport, it really was simple for them to help and after-all THIS WAS FOR THE COMMUNITY!!! Why were people being so stubborn?? At the beginning of the day when we got the plot of land that needed clearing, I wanted to express my frustration to Tate Shyinga. Weeks ago he had politely told me to stop bugging him when I asked everyday about our plot. I was doing that because I didn’t want to be stuck when the truck arrived with no place to put it and here we were, the very day of the arrival, having to cut down small trees! I realized that because of our language and cultural barrier anything I would have to say to him would just not translate- we would go around in circles, and expressing my frustration (and even a bit of anger at this point) would only negatively affect me. He wouldn’t wear my emotions, we wouldn’t have a dialogue about professional courtesy or how messed up it is that he couldn’t corporate with us. Hell, he was the guy who knew how to offload and instead sent someone who didn’t know what he was doing, didn’t know me, didn’t know the project- the guy who left for the three hour lunch break…just unnecessary complications and for what? This shop was for the community, not some business venture that he wasn’t going to benefit from…..why couldn’t people just join together and throw us a bone!

Two things:
1) the bone that was thrown to us was all the stumbling blocks in our way. Every time we got shut down it brought us closer. It caused is to think differently, find new resources, rely on one another (as the uukumwe committee) in a new way and just get it done. I can’t imagine it going another way actually….now folks had the sense of accomplishment that motivates one to work harder. We had worked for this shop not just accepted a free gift. Now it was theirs. It was ours.
2) The most fascinating thing I realized from this experience was the unnecessary space emotions like frustration and anger take up. As mentioned, I could have argued with folks when they didn’t help, I could have engaged people in a frustrating dialogue of finger pointing and reprimanding but it wouldn’t have done any good. It would have left me yelling at a brick wall because there was no room for arguing, only room to figure out how to finish what we started. I just kept thinking if something like this would have happened with a bunch of Americans there would have been so much unnecessary dialogue about who messed up where and when- we would have had the same result, a container off loaded to start a bike shop, but it would have been tainted by negativity and blaming. Point being- we…I, always have a choice about how to react to any given action. My dad has talked about that for years and I understood it before but Friday it became real to me in a new way. What struck me was not only the choice but the process of making the choice. Choices like deleting a text message meant to ‘put someone in their place’, counting to ten and coming back to center in order to find solutions instead of naming problems. I felt myself naming the emotions of anger and frustration and smiling at them while I made room for patience, compassion, and understanding. I realized that if I had the ability to communicate my frustration I would have….but by having that outlet being taken away from me I was able to take a few steps back and really realize just how counter productive it would have been. By letting go of my frustration I was able to dwell in the beauty of the day and focus on those who were breakin’ their backs to figure out how to get the job done. I hope to hold onto this lesson and when I have the opportunity, when I’m faced with inconvenience or difficulties in the company of those in my own culture, I hope to take the time to breathe and make the decision to rid the air of useless dialogue and just find a way to work together. There are so many times that we talk just to talk, or argue just for the sake of arguing…when you can’t do that with someone all that’s left is just being. Being together whether it’s easy or not, whether things are going as planned or the process is taking you in an unknown direction- focusing on the solution instead of the problem is the only road to take.

On the surface the day was incredible- we worked our tails off UUKUMWE (together) and ended the day with an amazing success. Underneath it all, unbeknownst to my community, my self was probing and prodding to test my way of thinking, feeling, reacting, communicating- pushing me to another level of being. The universe presented an opportunity to grow and I am so grateful. The seeds that were planted years ago have been continuously watered by friends, family, colleagues, mentors and on that Friday, a new understanding was born inside of me.

2008-08-11T09:43:00.000-07:00

2008-08-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

2008-08-05T07:30:00.001-07:00

just wanted to add a few more garden pictures and then a couple random ones from months back!

friday our uukumwe shop arrives and a six week training will start monday then we'll have a grand opening ceremony in september!! keep your eyes peeled...PEACE

2008-08-05T07:14:00.000-07:00

2008-08-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

2008-07-31T06:45:00.000-07:00

SUCCESS!!

2008-07-31T06:32:00.000-07:00

Monday 28 July the Uukumwe Committee celebrated their first garden
harvest! We have been meeting every Monday since January of this year
and finally our efforts through collaboration and perseverance have
paid off with some tangible results! This group has two principal
projects, the community garden to help assist those who are living
positively with HIV/AIDS and the Bike shop….since we decided to name
the bike shop Uukumwe Nkurenkuru Bike Shop we decided to just name our
group that and thus the garden too:) Uukumwe means TOGETHER. The
ceremony for our first harvest was wonderful and I was so happy for
our volunteers because this was the first project that they had come
together to work on! We were able to provide food for 50 people and
also sold N$60 worth of veggies to the hospital staff. The donors
were present and recognized our need to expand our garden in order to
help more people so we will be receiving more funds soon!

I couldn't have been happier….after months of organizing, setbacks,
happy times working in the garden and many discussions about how we
were going to distribute this food everyone came together in the end
and rocked out the day. Markus was the Master of Ceremonies, Sam and
Joseph helped register the beneficiaries, and all of the volunteers
collected the cabbage for their clients. This is just the beginning
too! Only the cabbage was ready so we still have carrots, beet root
and onions to distribute and sell. Now that we have had our first
harvest it will just be open to the public to purchase food. We will
decide as a group what to do with that money: whether to buy seeds for
clients to start their own home gardens, purchase bread or porridge to
accompany the veggies…who knows, now that we are seeing the fruits of
our labor we can begin to dream bigger!

Pictures show some before and after shots of the garden….you may
remember some from an earlier post when we were first clearing the
space!

Next Wednesday the container of bikes that will become the Uukumwe
Nkurenkuru Bike Shop will be delivered and the mechanics training will
begin the following Monday. Four of the volunteers from our larger
committee will be trained for four weeks in bike maintenance and then
two weeks in shop management. After that point they will be in charge
of the business on a daily basis! Some bikes will be given for free to
the volunteers that do HIV/AIDS home base care or outreach on
HIV/AIDS, Malaria or TB and the rest of the bikes will be sold for
income generation. We're going to hire someone to build a fence
around the property so we can have a bit of security and plant some
fruit trees. The payment for the fence will be a new bike! As the
larger Uukumwe committee we will decide things such as price of the
bikes (we get to set our own price according to the needs and ability
of the local community), setting up a "volunteer to own" process for
those who may not be able to afford a bike, and what we will use the
extra income for- other projects etc.

With those two projects in full swing and 9 months in country I'm
finally starting to feel settled in. It's a great feeling and one I
was longing for for quite sometime:) Now I'm seeing that time is
about to start flying by!

2008-07-16T02:54:00.000-07:00

A few snipits:

July 8
A few weeks ago I spent about two weeks in the states for a whirlwind tour of love, friendship, community, and processing the past 8 months. Not all of my family and friends were present but the ones who were showered me with love and support for the coming 18 months I have left to serve. I spoke at The Journey with Ron about a project we are collaborating on and that was an incredible experience. Jamie had done a wonderful job of organizing our time (not to mention all of the support and care she was sending my way before that) and her kids Erika and Drew greeted me with a new pair of slippers (!!!!) and money they had saved for our project- together they raised N$187 Namibian Dollars which will allow one of my friends at the Hostel School to sleep peacefully at night on their new mattress when it arrives! I cried when I read their note, and saw the pictures of them I’d be able to take back to my home:) I will expand more on this project in coming blogs but basically I am collaborating with my Nkurenkuru Community, The Journey (a church community on the Southside of Indianapolis), NamibFoam, a mattress company in Namibia, Ron Branson and the women at Indianapolis Women’s Prison, and any other independent or group donors, to coordinate a project to purchase mosquito nets, mattresses and do building renovations on the hostel schools for Nkurenkuru Combined School. Learners spend 9 months out of the year living in the below conditions. We are in a hot zone for Malaria and many of the beds do not have nets- to add to it there is standing water in the showers and bathrooms that makes for prime breeding grounds for mosquitoes. Mattresses are either absent or terribly thin and kitchen facilities are inhumane. I will be writing a proposal with our church and hostel school committee to set up a donation link through the Peace Corps Partnership Program and will post it in a few weeks in order to open up the donating process to anyone who is motivated to help. When I post that link I will add more about the project.

July 9 (from an email/letter, sorry for the repeat for some!)
So, I had quite the flight back here- three days total to get to Namibia followed by a hitchhike from the capital to Gobabis where I stayed with a friend until Sunday. My driver was terribly racist but I was able to listen compassionately and plant seeds of acceptance. I’m almost certain those seed will never be watered but he was very clear that we didn’t agree on anything and at one point he said “you know, you are right- I am wrong.” That wasn’t my aim but I think my silence during his rants was loud enough and he talked himself into a realization of his own ignorance! Usually I would get out of the car and wait for another ride but there was something about our discussion that enabled me to open his eyes a little bit. Asking him to pull over and let me out would have sent him on his way stuck in this absurd mindset.

I celebrated the fourth of July with some American and Namibian friends. We had a braai (barbeque) and bought all the American foods we could at the store: oreos and nesquik!! :) We made a fire because it’s freezing here these days and sat around singing American tunes and Christmas songs!!! Hahaha it was great, a night I’ll never forget:)

So- when I first touched down in Johannasburg, South Africa I cried a little bit…not tears of joy either. Tears of sadness and a deep breath of “ah….ok, you can do this.” The transition back was a little rocky coming from so much love and affection, community, family etc but being with my friend Amanda for a few days helped ease me back in. Sunday I left early morning with the folks from BEN Bikes and we drove twelve hours all the way to Nkurenkuru! Michael, the director, is a really great guy and we had some good conversations all the way up. Vasisee is a project director and she is also wonderful- the two of them stayed on mattresses on my floor for the past two night because the B&B in our village closed down… I’m sure you are surprised that we even have one, but remember, we are an up and coming town!!! But of course it closed due to slow business- someone was a little to adventurous with their business planning:) So it was nice to have them around, it can get pretty lonely at times. Sunday we ate quickly then crashed after such a long road trip and Monday it was back to work for a full 8 hour day!

It was really wonderful being welcomed back home:) At 8:30am Augustinus showed up at my door just making sure I arrived back safely. At 9 we headed to the clinic for a meeting with BEN bikes and our management committee to go over a Memorandum of Understanding and iron out some details of the bike container arriving. I first greeted my supervisor, Ndadi, and introduced him to our guests. He was so hilarious joking around with them then gave this long speech about how I am welcome and he was glad I returned and that I am the community’s sister, daughter, AND mother He said I came as a guest but now this is my place and he hoped Michael and Vasisee were just like me with happy spirits and open to Nkurenkuru. I almost started crying again!! It was really amazing to hear that from him and I’m sure the universe knew I needed something to ground me since it was so hard leaving my community again. Ndadi also said that I was glowing and he could tell I was just at home because my smile was showing all over my face! After our first meeting at nine I made the rounds in the community greeting/checking in with everyone- banker, post women, my barber, the old nane’s walking around town and the folks at the open market. Every time I came upon someone new they just laughed and thanked me for coming back! We ate the traditional food at the market (it’s so much better here than what I made!) and headed back to the clinic for another meeting at two. This was our usual Monday meeting and the first half was quite productive because we were discussing the bike project. We now have a name for our project “Uukumwe Nkurenkuru Bike Shop” uukumwe loosely means “Let’s Work Together.” And they decided the colors of the shop will be green, cream and violet. Funny combination but it’s going to be the hit of the new town! The next topic of our meeting was the garden. First, I must tell you I checked it out in the morning and it looks AMAZING!!!! Everything is coming up so well- carrots, beet root, two types of cabbage and onions- it just looks wonderful and I almost cried (again) because this was really the first test at sustainability of the project. Now, at the meeting I got a different story- there was some angry discussion about who is watering, who is not, how we are going to distribute, who didn’t log their times for watering in the “log your time for watering” book etc etc etc. It was quite hectic so I did have a moment of “oh good lord, here we go” but this is nothing new. Working together is a foreign concept in practice, not in theory! And people have a hard time looking forward and planning for the future. So, normally I would be freaking out about how distribution is going to go and wondering if the project is on its way to failure BUT I am sure that when it is actually time to harvest it will run smoothly. Planning for that day is a nightmare because of the concept of immediate gratification. There is nothing tangible about “60% of the food will go to the people 40% will be sold for money for the project” blahblahblah- makes perfect sense to me but that one line requires a four hour discussion of going in circles about who knows what SO- even though I was COMPLETELY drained at 5 when the meeting ended I wasn’t feeling down and out like I was before I came home. The meetings were getting to draining but I was feeling a certain calm. Just knowing that somehow, some way, things will be ok. And if they are not, they’ll be ok eventually:)

July 15
It’s days like these that I’ll never forget. After morning dishes and some tea, Sam from the Buddy program called me to join him and Naimi in the garden. We made some new beds and transplanted the remaining onions. Several trips to and from the storage room along with funny conversations when passing folks each time took up a good chunk of my time. Selma, an employee of the hospital, wants to clear more space near our garden so that she can plant her large crop of sweet potatoes that she doesn’t have room for at her house. She is a rather large woman and she said “nana sarah, look at my leg…..the sweet potatoes are THIS BIG!!” :) Sam is the leader of the garden, I just do what he says because I don’t know much about planting, transplanting etc etc. I could tell he was getting a kick out of teaching me everything he knew. He would just add things here and there in between whistling and humming to the plants. Afterwards he and Naimi came back to my place for some peanuts, water and to take a shower. I showed them some videos from my cousins wedding a few years back and they were blown away. Naimi, very affectionately I’m sure, said “ah, oh, sarah, look at you, you were so fat and naughty back then in those days!” All one can do is laugh especially because I don’t know what she was talking about! They asked me when my wedding was going to be and that it needed to be soon…. Ha, one of the good days my friends, one of the good days ;)

Today is a good day:)

2008-06-08T16:29:00.000-07:00

Today is a good day:)

I'm still in my pj's after four hours of work- haven't had time to
change! I was up with the sun this morning and called Amanda to wish
her a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! This is a special treat because it costs so
much to call even locally so it was just a quick greeting:) I then
was planning to eat and write for an hour before my tutor, Ester, came
over but she was a bit early. So we chatted as I ate breakfast. We
usually eat together but she hasn't been feeling well lately. Her
story is pretty intense- she is in mid to late thirties and has two
children. Her first born is from her first 'husband' (culturally, if
you live with someone they are considered your husband). He was a
good man, good heart she says but after sometime he and her brother
got in a fight and the brother was killed. This angered the entire
family and she was outcast from them but her mother wouldn't let her
leave home. Her parents blamed her for her brother's death and she
tried to kill herself as a result. She was rushed to the hospital
after taking some pills and then had to stay at her mother's house as
she recovered. She wanted to leave again but knew it would add even
more shame to her mother so she relented in staying.

After some time, she snuck out at night to go to Grootfontein to look
for work. Once she had a job and was able to send money back to the
family she contacted her mom and all was fine. Eventually she met
another man and they started staying together and eventually moved to
Walvis Baai to look for new jobs. The son came along but this new
husband would beat him when Ester was away because he was lighter
skinned and not his own child. Ester didn't want to disturb the
husband so she and her son kept quiet and let it happen. When the man
started serving the boy toilet water, sleeping with the babysitter and
denying his HIV status to everyone, Ester decided it was finally time
to leave him. He told her she was a mad woman because she wouldn't
sleep with her husband but in reality they were both positive at this
point and she didn't want to get re-infected. The whole situation was
a mess, she finally moved back to Nkurenkuru, bringing the now HIV
positive babysitter with her and her two children and has been here
looking for work since 2006. She is part of one of the sewing
projects I'm helping out and is now my tutor. WHEW- that was my
breakfast story this morning- it has the potential to depress me but
it's one of thousands of stories I'm hearing everyday- and I get
strength from her. She works very hard, tries to care for her
children, and has a positive attitude. She said she has a home in
heaven and will not be sad when she dies. She is not scared of dying
but just wants to make sure her children are fine before she goes. It
is kind of twisted that she thinks she'll be dead in a year- that kind
of talk is hard to stomach but she doesn't even need ARV's at this
point so I'm hoping with the extra income from the sewing project and
the tutoring that she'll be able to afford not only school fees and
uniforms for her kids but also nutritious food for herself to stay
healthy.

In the middle of our lesson Anastasia visited and brought me enough
nongomene for the entire village! (It's the traditional bean that I
have a picture of in a bowl in an earlier post). It was a thank you
gesture because I went to her field Wednesday for some last minute
questions about her proposal for their sewing project. In the West
you would pick up the phone or send an email to ask a series of
questions that would take no more than 5 minutes but here I walked an
hour there and an hour back for that same convo:) But in the West you
wouldn't get a gifty for a 5 minute convo either so I dig the pay
off;) When she left Ester helped me clean the beans and taught me how
to cook them, we drank tea and she took off. Right then Ndadi had me
meet him to hand off a parcel before he left for a meeting so I rushed
out of the house, greeted him, visited the folks working in the garden
(yahooooooooo!!) and dropped Anastasia's proposal off at the Regional
Council. THEN I went to the post and received two cards from my
Grandma and a letter from my Grandpa. I read them under a tree and
had the biggest smile on the walk back home.

These are the things to live for I suppose- love from home,
traditional food gifty's, being a listening ear for someoneelse's
struggles….baby steps my friends, teeny tiny baby steps:)

Power of Perspective

2008-06-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

Jori gave me the book “Meditations from Conversations with God” right before I left. This book has been particularly helpful lately as I’ve started a new routine in the mornings with processing thoughts through journaling. Usually I read something out of the book then start writing from there. The meditations are always quite timely- I’d like to share the one from this morning:

On bad people

I am going to tell you this: there are no “rotten apples.” There are only people who disagree with your point of view on things, people who construct a different model of the world. I am going to tell you this: no persons do anything inappropriate, given their model of the world.

This struck me for many different reasons. First, a little bit of background. I’ve realized lately that I have never in my life been so _______with a group of people or a process until this job here. I can’t find the right word to put there. “Frustrated” is something that comes to mine but that word carries a negative connotation that doesn’t describe my emotion. I’m not aggravated, discouraged, upset or any other word the thesaurus brings up in connection with ‘frustration’. Maybe ‘curious’ is a better word….would love input from any of you reading:) The way I described it to my Mom was that this feeling must resemble parenting. You can’t reason or get angry with a three year old- it’s just silly, but they still drive you crazy at times! Namibia is at an infantile stage when it comes to developing as a Nation. They only received their independence 18 years ago and are still “ironing out the wrinkles in the prom dress” – one of my favorite quotes from JJ.

My Monday meetings used to completely drain me. With the combination of all of the cultural differences in communication not to mention the actual language difference and working with volunteers in a setting where “volunteer” means you get some sort of monetary compensation (and you expect an identifying t-shirt, ID badge and umbrella) makes my job as a facilitator increasingly difficult.

We’ve transplanted veggies from their seed beds to new beds in the garden and in a month or so we’ll be harvesting. At this point interest seems to be slowly dying and/or people are realizing that they are putting in all of this hard work for food that they are giving away. Where I am, there isn’t a culture of volunteering where your only reward is altruistic goodness you feel when lending a helping hand. Priorities are different and even though the family unit is very strong, and everyone is related in Nkurenkuru, in a broad sense, people are still looking out for themselves. Fine, that I understand, that I will not argue with- but it’s the lack of communication that gets me. If people knew they would want the food for themselves even though it is their responsibility to care for others who are home bound with HIV, why then, in four months of discussion about a community garden, didn’t someone bring up this issue? I know why. That’s not a question for outsiders to answer- but I did pose that question to the group in an attempt to begin addressing the HUGE gap between theory and practical application of one’s vision.

My community has the right dialogue- “we want to help our brothers and sisters by getting them food so they can take their ARV’s” but now that there is food they want it for themselves. “it’s stigma and discrimination that is killing us, not the disease” but then comments like “oh, that one. That one is positive (in a secret mildly disgusted tone)” follow quickly. They talk about communication and collaboration as if that is what they know but really it’s what they have heard and think might work. But again, putting that into practice had become a challenge that left me in a daze and in need of some serious brain numbing at the end of the day.

I started this by saying that Monday meetings used to drain me. I have realized a few things that help me not carry so much of the weight around these issues. Bringing the beginning passage back to my community of Nkurenkuru and my time here, it helps to read those words at the end: “no persons do anything inappropriate, given their model of the world.” Understanding this in a new way helps me set aside negative emotions like frustration and anger. The reason why these two are so taxing is because they are often misplaced emotions aimed at a target that doesn’t align directly with ones model of the world. When we are angry or frustrated we may not be thinking clearly and able to see the bigger picture like we usually do when things are going smoothly. In these moments meditating on or being mindful of the power of perspective is necessary in order to channel strength and wisdom to the forefront of my mind.

Compassion is taking on a new meaning too- a deeper meaning that roots me here in a new way. “A compassionate person develops an eye for spotting the qualities that make each person special. Even when others are at their lowest ebb, it is possible to help them restore their self belief by keeping a firm, clear vision of their goodness and their specialties. Taking a gently encouraging approach, I must never give up on anyone.” This was a meditation passed on from Ana that has helped me to add new weight to the word ‘compassion’ and to work within this culture. I need to hone in on planting seeds. That is as far as my reach will touch here and even though I recognized that bigger picture long ago, coming to terms with it while being here has been a longer journey. Also, balancing the “be” and the “do” while also recognizing that the “be” is the “do” helps to keep me sane, productive, and able to cultivate positive thoughts instead of the intense feeling of defeat that has the potential to infiltrate most days.

Modeling collaborative behavior and follow-through will help water the seeds planted in those with whom I work. Even if I never see the flower that will bloom I’ll still be able to enjoy the process and stop feeling like a hamster on speed in that never ending wheel. At least when I look out from that wheel I’m in this beautiful country surrounded by good intentions and bright smiles- and that’s pretty darn cool:)

"A hug is like hot chocolate for the soul."--Dalai Lama

2008-05-23T02:56:00.000-07:00

I was gone for a Peace Corps training and upon my return hugs were plentiful! Whether making intentional visits or just crossing someone's path, I was greeted with smiles and hugs--someone heard my cry for a hugging revolution! My favorite is the enthusiastic handshake stopped by my "oh no c'mon, gimme a hug!!" and they indulge my request:)

"Speaking too soon"

Monday morning, 9:00 am, journaling:

I had a "proudest moment" this morning. Markus called to tell me he was at the garden--now, since I have been gone, this was a first step in seeing if my efforts thus far have been sustainable, acquired community ownership, built capacity--buzzword buzzword buzzword. The group was in charge of watering, making new seed beds, attending and running Monday meetings etc. So, I met the folks at the garden beaming with pride from their hard work! 8:00 am, five people making seed beds, transplanting the bright green cabbage and onions that were sprouting up along with leafy stalks of carrots and beet root! It was so beautiful! I picked up the log book where Monday meeting minutes are recorded and read about the meetings I missed--it ran like clockwork,--my presence is valued, but not needed--time to come home!!;) just kidding--actually, it's time to expand the garden now that we are seeing the fruits (veggies) of our labor and work on plans for successful distribution of food!

Monday afternoon, 4:00 pm--cross-eyed and drooling:

Ooooooooooooooo folks--my excitement of the morning was a false sense of tremendous accomplishment. I can laugh about it now, well actually I was laughing about it when it happened but only because I didn't want to start crying! So what is "it"? you may ask? Major cross-cultural conflict resolution that I had to carry out at our Monday meeting. I had prepared a full agenda of the usual prayer and opening remarks, a fun personal check-in since I hadn't seen people for a week, news from the training a colleague and I attended and then the usual discussion about the garden and BEN Bikes. Ooooooooooooo silly me--apparently the folks working diligently in the garden this morning were disregarding the group decision from the previous meeting. They took it upon themselves to make personal plots because some groups were slacking on watering duties. So they thought if everyone had their own plot, it was their own fault if their crops died and not the group's fault. Well, 1) this wasn't a decision made by consensus, so here was arguing about that; 2) our garden isn't big enough for everyone to have their own plots, so there was arguing about that; and 3) reading between the lines, I realized that some people were planning to keep this food for themselves instead of the intended purpose being for the clients they do home base care for. I tried a few things--I had Augustinus introduce the"talking stick" exercise in order to reduce 10 people shouting at once. Augustinus knows this activity and I thought it would be better received by him than me; this was until the "stick" (which was actually a wooden bird) was rolled into the middle of the floor in disgust by Mirjam. She represents the Lutheran church....awesome. Then in broken Rukwangali, I tried to explain that "we're not going forward, people, we're in a standstill chasing our tail, we're not even going backwards!" That got a laugh, a few nods in agreement, and then more shouting ensued. At this point, still on agenda item #1, I quietly left the room, got a marker and some flip chart paper from Ndadi and came back to halt the meeting. Together we revisited the MAIN AIM of the garden so that there was no confusion, we decided that we're disregarding the decisions that were made last week, and we're deciding on a work schedule now. Then, I gave a brief talk on how arguing about "who said what when" isn't helping people who are starving and need to take their ARV's. We decided to skip the rest of the agenda and follow up next week so we could go work in the garden.

Now, a month ago I would have said "it was a nightmare," but I'm way over that. And I would have beat myself up about getting prematurely excited about our progress just a few hours before, but I know all too well that things change from minute to minute around here. While it was a bit of a shock, that was only because I had been gone from the chaos for 7 days and I needed a brief readjustment period! Thanks for easing me back in Nkurenkuru! :)

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY MOM!!!!!!! on sunday:)

2008-05-09T23:59:00.000-07:00

2008-05-04T07:23:00.000-07:00

just a few photos...lot's to share but no time to write now now. the girl in the pink is my FAVORITE person in Namibia- Simbara, cutest little cutie:) the other pictures are just for fun. sending love....

2008-04-22T09:46:00.000-07:00

hangin with markus inbetween home base care visits

this is the fourth bucket of ngome i've been given in two weeks, delicious and hilarious that it's the gift of choice:) it's resting on the stool that smells like death. hehe

after we cleared the garden!!

here to sweat

tea break at our training

garden training with Mr. Anton from dept of agriculture. the first day is theory and the next is practical....we're sowing the seed beds tomorrow!

meme's at the graduation party:)

my supervisor Ndadi

Mrs. Ndadi graduated from University of Namibia last weekend in education... a bunch of people were dressed in gowns for her party:)

2008-04-16T09:56:00.000-07:00

Things I love

This is an exercise. In positivism, in mindfulness, in creating my own reality….making manifest the peace that lies deep within, yet, hasn’t surfaced in quite sometime.
I’ve been walking around lately breathing the things that I love into the air in hopes that their collective energy will sustain me. Here’s what I have so far…

I love the rainy season. It's from ~end of Dec to ~beginning of April and it's amazing...rains ALL DAY and ALL NIGHT. So comforting...

I love the cowhide stool that makes my house reek of rotting flesh.

I love the green slippers Erika gave me before I left; once bright green, soft and puffy- now worn, dingy and flat from all the love my feet have given them.

I love the tree outside of my house that with the untrained eye just looks like any ole tree…but every afternoon there are nine little kids in its branches enjoying their hideout.

I love that my neighbors have a million little kids and the only English they know is “HI SARAH HOW ARE YOU IM FINE THANK YOU WHERES MY SWEETS?” and they yell that to me whenever I leave my house and continue with the mantra until I can no longer be seen.

I love the way Ndadi’s (my supervisor) twins react when they see me: the boy waves, smiles and greets me (most times waiting for me to greet him first) and the girl’s eyes pop open wide and she scurries to find the nearest body or tree to hide behind- she’s terrified of me! I also love the way her care takers play tricks on her…..when they see me coming they run away from her so she’s all alone and has to scramble for safety! It’s our little cross-cultural ritual.

I love the way Ndadi reminds me of my grandpa- always making up ridiculous analogies and metaphors for things then laughing hysterically until everyone else joins in purely from his display of humor not necessarily from the metaphors. Now, I must say, my grandpa is, in fact, hilarious but it’s the laugh that gets me- no matter what the situation, they are both laughing and sharing their warm spirit.

I love that I don’t know what music is on my computer and that the other day I stumbled upon the most amazing album that I now listen to on repeat- it was here all along!

I love that when I open all my curtains in the morning my house is full of light and fresh air until the night time.

I love the way the elders greet me…when it’s the first time for us to meet they say it almost accusingly like “can she understand? Can she actually speak? Then it comes…a piercing “nawa?” and without hesitation I reply “ihn, nawa, awo?” and they finish up then say “tat tat tat, kuuyunga rukwangali!” You speak rukwangali! All it takes is the greeting for them to tell you you’re fluent and that rukwangali is so easy. I just smile and nod, say “ihn” a few more times and we go on our way:)

I love how when there is a snake in the tree dozens of people with gather and stare at it until they can manage to kill it….it’s entertainment for hours.

I love the open market.

I love how the end of Monday meetings are always quite pleasant, unlike their beginning which is painfully quiet and slow…it just takes a while to warm people up I suppose.

I made cookies two weeks ago for our meeting….i don’t know what it is but the cookies always come out different and a bit messed up no matter who makes them or that the ingredients are the same. So, I gave that preface before I shared them with the group- I love how yesterday, before the meeting one of my friends sent me this sms: “we have also missed-up cookies during meetings maybe it’s ready 4 today I hope!”

I love how the right amount of soy milk can make my horrible cups of coffee taste just fantastic…fantastic enough to choke down with my bread in the morning:)

I love the green cell phone holder Kylikky knitted for me to wear around my neck- it’s the “in” thing here…hehe

I love watching ants build their homes one grain of sand at a time. Some mornings I walk past a single file line of ants stretching over 12ft each busily doing their share of work.

I (sometimes) love how Namibians talk in circles. Nothing is direct- the other day, three of us were heading to a nearby village for a very specific purpose and when we were asked “where are you doing?” this was our dialogue:
“we’re just around.”
“what are you doing?”
“we’re going.”
“going where?”
“around.”
“ok.”
It’s such a funny dance- everyone knows you talk in circles and you don’t actually tell anyone what you’re doing until you get deeper into conversation….but yet people still pry, knowing full well they aren’t going to get a direct answer. I love that.

I love how much meaning “I’m just around” has. I use it all the time. “Nane Sarah, where have you been?” “oh, I’m just around” “but I haven’t seen you!” “yeah, I’m around, just around!” and it’s all understood…we’re both “just around.”

I love the daylight hours during winter. The time changed a few weeks ago, I’m still asked daily “are we meeting at African time or Namibian time?” I don’t understand this fully yet…when it’s not winter ‘African time’ means an hour later than you plan to meet…during winter ‘African time’ means the time before the time change and ‘Namibian time’ means the new winter time….but, are we still going to meet an hour later than either of those times? That’s the tricky partJ BUT, while I do love that little mix-up too, I really love the daylight hours during winter…the sun is now up at 6, or slightly before, and it goes down around five. No more waking up when it’s still dark outside and the day seems to end earlier which means more relaxing time around the house!

I love pictures people have sent me from home.

I love the little cup of beans Anastasia brought me while we chatted about her sewing project.

I love the bag of raisins Nane Eva bought for me while we opened a joint bank account for her sewing project.

I love that my when my supervisor saw me today, wearing the same clothes that I’ve worn for the past 5 work days with my backpack we had this exchange:
“Ah, you. You like this outfit, and this bag- and you are always walking around like a soldier!”
“Well, I’m in a fight sir!”
[explosive laughter] “yes!! You’re in a fight!! Against AIDYS!!” and that’s exactly how they pronounce it….aidys.

I love that my barber Sipema wanted me to take his picture today…complete with cell phone out and keys dangling- somethin’ like a pimp.

I love that I’m ‘bff’ with the mail women and when I walk in they go to the corner where they’re holding my mail for me.

I love that Ndadi always seems to be missing one button on his button-down shirts.

I love that today, at the reception of the official opening of Bank Windhoek the entertainment was tunes from…Shania Twain!

I love how everyone here is related- so much so that Mr. Heinrich did not hesitate to ask the following question when he saw a picture of my parents: “Oh, you look like both of them. Are they cousins!?”

I love that when I introduced myself to someone today and they asked where I was from they said “Great. But, welcome home.”

I love that no matter how hot it is you’ll find many Namibians dressed in leather coats, sweaters, and knit stocking hats! ….dudes, we’re in Africa.

And finally, I love how I feel “better” after having taken time to do this.

2008-04-01T06:54:00.000-07:00

“Every day is a challenge but I’m finally feeling up to it again.”

I just spent some time rereading some letters I had sent to folks. I wrote this phrase 3 months ago to Adj…”Every day is a challenge but I’m finally feeling up to it again.” This phrase sheds light on the fact that this ‘challenge’ is never (n e v e r) ending. Never ending. Always challenging. Every, Always, Never- hmmmm strong words. Words some people NEVER use because NOTHING is EVER that certain. Nothing. Ever. Never. Shit. This sentence struck me because I am in a bit of a funk. The sentence doesn’t attempt to say that the challenges will cease, it doesn’t butter up the fact by saying “today is a challenge but tomorrow won’t be.” It gently says the truth of the matter- everyday is a challenge, some days we won’t be up for it, some days we will. Some days we may even think it isn’t challenging- but alas, funky days are right around the corner;) Is this half empty talk? I don’t think so- it’s honesty….haha, have I been turned into a realist!??!???! I’m sitting alone in my house cracking up now….blogging/journaling/writing is a slight form of schizophrenia right? I’ll argue that with myself while you continue reading…. ;)

I digress.

I’ve been making my own paper with a broken screen. It comes out in 14x4in slabs. I’ve been writing thoughts on the slabs and plan to hang them around my house. A bit eery at times- it completely goes against my never ending attempt to chill out. Stop taking life so seriously. Relax in an unrelaxable space. Yes, Microsoft Word, I know that is not a word. But words are silly.

I spent last week in Rundu at a fantastic workshop. “Men and HIV/AIDS Special Initiative Group Education Training Workshop.” …..a long name that could be just as long but more direct: “Getting a Clue! A Dialogue About Men and Their Oppressive Behavior as Key Factors Adding to the Rapid Spread of HIV/AIDS.” No one really knew the name of the workshop anyway- they kept calling it “Men and HIV.” Simple enough…. So: it was fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. This is the word that keeps popping into my head. The workshop was facilitated for and by LifeLine/Childline. LL/CL is an organization that is open for drop-in counseling around many issues; suicide, HIV/AIDS, teenage pregnancy, domestic abuse etc etc. The group is made up of a staff in Windhoek and Rundu and volunteers in surrounding villages/towns. The theme of this workshop was gender equity and equality and how our work can have a theme of gender equality and inclusion. Six of us from Peace Corps were allowed to attend this workshop and for that I am very grateful. It was wonderful to sit with Namibians as peers discussing issues of gender equality while crossing lines of age, race, gender, orientation, culture and tradition. So many times we (American volunteers) are looked to for answers, for change, as someone to offer something that one does not already possess- not only does that apply a certain amount of pressure to us, it also is unrealistic and not very asset based. If someone thinks I have answers because I’m white/American/foreign it shows that they don’t believe that the answers already exist within themselves. It’s a culture of low self-efficacy. So….as mentioned above…it was great to sit around the room as a trainee, not a trainer. None of the gender dialogue was new to me or my American colleagues but the discussions we were able to have, the openness of the group, the critical thinking and processing that happened in that circle was amazing. It was refreshing. Critical thinking skills are not nurtured here unless you have a group that is in a big city or town coming from a proper education. For years children have been reprimanded if they don’t understand something…..learners are programmed to say YES MISS when asked if they are following the lesson. You can then ask a learner to repeat what you just said and all you get is a blank stare. If I got beat every time I asked a question or didn’t understand or asked “why?” I would certainly stop inquiring or admitting I was confused.

The folks we were with at this training were thinkers. They were feelers. They disagreed with one another and challenged one another. The shift from some of the men in the group was tangible. The attitudes about men and women and their roles and how culture effects what we think each of their roles should be…..it was transforming. I think it was so fascinating because it was familiar. Sitting in circles discussing issues important to us, our work, our fight- it was like being back home…. While many things are becoming my ‘normal’ here I am very aware that the way things are done are foreign to me- whether it’s how people are treated, how jobs are carried out, how you greet, all of it is distinctively Namibian- therefore foreign to me. But this was familiar.

This was progress that didn’t trample culture. This was development work without telling someone they are wrong. This was a dialogue with humans about human behavior taking into consideration who the humans in the room were and why they think and feel the way they do. Not telling someone how they are supposed to act, but engaging them/us on a journey within to positively affect this journey we are all together in on the outside.

It was profoundly American. Something American I can be proud about. It’s ‘American’ to me because that’s where I come from…that’s what I know….and so many times here I’ve wanted to forget what I know in order to be open to other’s knowing. At that workshop worlds were blended. Not collided, but blended in a way where growth, insight, and compassion reined not ego, power, and self-interest.

It was fascinating.

2008-03-16T03:48:00.000-07:00

2008-03-16T03:28:00.000-07:00

TULIKWATESENI- Let's Work Together!!

Nkurenkuru Combined AIDS Club warming up for the AIDS day

one of my fave nights

2008-03-14T01:54:00.000-07:00

ok, this first picture is of salomi- my friends daughter, she finally let me play with her- some kids are afraid of me "because of the looks of your skin" the mom's say! buuuuuut now we're buddies:)
So, last night was one of my favorite nights. the house was full, just the way i like it, i was cooking, chaz was hangin, julia's hair salon closed at 5 so she brought her client to my place and they continued braiding her hair, i was workin on a puzzle, drinking a glass of wine, music playin....it was great!! it was julia's bday so that was cool to celebrate with her:)

HIV/AIDS AWARENESS DAY

2008-03-14T01:42:00.001-07:00

HIV/AIDS AWARENESS DAY!! Nkurenkuru UMYA (United Methodist Youth Action) along with the help of a few other community organizations organized an awareness day on the 11th of March. The venue was at Nkurenkuru Combined School where the choir sang, AIDS Club (Tulikwateseni- "Let's Work Together") performed, there were guest speakers and a quiz game testing learners knowledge of HIV/AIDS.
Enjoy the pics!

Kapi nayadiva, tupu resa.

2008-03-13T07:36:00.000-07:00

Learning about culture in a new way. Do you ever really know a place, person, group, system--really? Names and places run through my mind while I sit with this question--Masha, Adj, Over the Rhine, Naomi--this place, Nkurenkuru, Namibia, Africa, the "developing world"--how many labels can I give it? None will ever describe fully how I cannot fully describe this place.

Out of touch, yet connected.

I look through a lens that shines light only on what I know. Daily I pray for wisdom strength, guidance and perspective in hopes that what I don't know will be revealed to me in a way in which I will gain understanding. Compassion I have, patience I exude (now-a-days), laughter I try to bring to every situation even when m jokes just don't translate culturally--we still smile through our confusion--but understanding? I am not sure I will experience this in just two years.

Today I found myself realizing that: I'm new here!!!!! That may sound silly, but I have habits now, I have friends, I have a routine, every Sunday I have the same recurring unnamed emotion that is a combination of loneliness, anticipation of the week ahead, a calm that comes with the silence of a village, and exhaustion--every Monday I may or may not cry and by then the week is packed and time flies, Friday comes and Chaz and I do something ridiculous and Sunday is right around the corner. SO I am caught off guard when I hit certain roadblocks (that I am sure are only in place for the following reason) that remind me, "Hey, this is not our home, you haven't lived here forever, you don't understand the culture or the daily dailyness that makes up this corner of the world and guess what, Sarah" YOU MIGHT NOT EVER!!!!! Smile and move on, Sister."

tiny voices

2008-03-04T07:16:00.000-08:00

With a knock on the door and tiny voices I recognize but don’t understand, I set my book down and go see who has come to visit. Raulinda, Rossa, and Sama are speaking fast and using sign language to ask if they can run with me today. They are so cute…I think all 7-8 years old, I run/walk and when I’m walking they are just looking up at me like “c’mon punk, are you that out of shape??” at least that’s what I interpret their smiles to be saying:) I welcome them in and Raulinda empties a shirt full of tiny pieces of fruit they picked for me. A green pile of small grape looking foods lay on my table as they scurry out to then meet me at 6:15 on the path. Rossa yells back when she is half way out of my yard “No watch!” My host sister in Grootfontein (6months old) gave me a small clock for my going away gift. The clock ticks so loud that I had to take the battery out a few weeks ago because I couldn’t possibly sleep through the night with the constant tickticktick. PERFECT…I’ll gift it to the girlsJ I send them on their way with the little pink clock and look forward to our meeting this evening. :)

Many people are asking about my “work.” How to explain a job that is 24 hours a day? I’ll try. In Peace Corps we are ‘on’ all the time. Even in our houses with doors locked and curtains pulled we are sending a message to the community- stay out!! I need a break!! So even then we have to be conscious of how we are living, how we are going through the day. I constructed a mosquito net on my burglar bars with duct tape and floss so I could leave my door open most of the day. I have set my boundaries though- the door opens at 8 and usually stays that way until it gets dark outside to let folks know I’m not hibernating and that they are welcome. I have a small office at the clinic but after some tragic moments and realizing I need to work on my computer (and don’t want to haul it around town) I have stated working from home. This has been nice- folks are dropping by often to discuss project ideas or ask for help with proposals or just to say hello. Everyone knows where the “sirumbu” lives so it’s never hard to find me.

Ok, so work- my role is a facilitator, a gatherer of people, a connector as Jori would call it- convener of the groups, harnesser of the energy. Not a doer of projects….but an assistor. I had individual meetings with all of the groups working on HIV/AIDS issues a month ago and ever since we’ve been meeting as a large group (two representatives from each organization) each Monday at 2:00. We meet to discuss projects we can all work on together instead of silo-ing our efforts. The manager of the Bank has just joined our working committee and also a representative from the clinic. The first thing we have taken on is a community garden to provide food for people living with HIV/AIDS and Orphans and Vulnerable Children. We wrote a proposal to get funds for tools and seeds, received a plot of land from the Matron at the clinic, and have requested Mr. Anton from the Department of Agriculture to come do a training on gardening- two days, one theory and one practical where we’ll commence the actual gardening. We’ll spend the following months figuring out how we’re going to distribute food once it’s harvested. We’re seeking Mr. Anton’s help with that organization because “give it to people with AIDS” is way too broad and disorganized. But we’ll figure it outJ (thanks to Jimmy T and Molly for helping guide me!!)

I attend UMYA’s weekly meetings and assist with facilitation when needed. Their regional supervisor, Risto, sent me a text message last week saying “organize HIV awareness day, 11 March, your budget is N$600” hmmm ok sir, will do! Ha, ???? Ok, so he sent it to Markus too but he couldn’t attend the meeting because he was at a funeral. At first I was very opposed to bringing the idea to the group because it’s THEIR club and THEIR meeting and I’m an outsider and am here to create sustainability and capacity build etc (pc’s favorite buzz words) but there is a way I can be present and find a balance. With Lao Tzu* in my ear I head into the meeting….they discuss regular matters then ask if I have anything to add. I mentioned the text from Risto and write a big outline on flip chart paper- basically HIV AWARENESS DAY!!!!!!!!!! WHAT, WHERE, HOW, WHEN and I turned it over to them….they went wild (all of it in Rukwangali) and when they hit certain stumbling blocks they translated a bit for me and we worked through them, how to get space, who to talk to, they gave ideas I asked questions light bulbs went off and after 3 hours (Namibians love debating and discussing) we had created three small committees with tasks for the week until our next meeting.

The plan: we have three committees: song, posters and ‘other’. The song committee will find HIV/AIDS related songs and we’ll practice as a group, learners from the school will be invited to join also. The poster committee will find out how much it costs to get materials and then we’ll make advertisements on Wednesday and we’ll also make posters for decoration about living positively with HIV/AIDS. And the ‘other’ committee is asking permission to hold our event at the open market, informing the community, school, and church leaders about our plan and getting price quotes on cool drinks and snacks. At the end of the meeting they were pumped. I summarized our discussion and they kept saying “sharp sharp” pronounced “shap, shap” with a thumbs up. Then we they taught me their cheer!! CHAKALAKA then three claps!! It was hilarious and great. Friday Tuulikky and David came over and worked on their letter to the community leaders and the song committee met with the principal Saturday morning.

So that’s the working committee and UMYA. Joseph wants to join with the Buddy group and do a poultry project- raise chickens and sell their eggs at the open market as an income generating project for people living with HIV/AIDS. So I’m helping him write a proposal and a small business plan. I know nothing about the latter so we’re seeking help from Mr. Heinrich at the bank. Friday morning Sam and three women from an HIV support group came over to ask if I’d help them write a proposal for a sewing machine and material so they can make baby carriers and traditional dresses- again, as an income generating project for themselves. So Thursday I’ll walk to their homestead, about 5km away, and we’ll sit under a tree with a pen and paper and talk about the steps of proposal writing and how we’ll work as a team until they are all set up.

Kuulikky asked if I’d help her with her NAMCOL work- Namibian College of Open Learning- it’s similar to online classes for adults in the states but it’s via paper…. So we work together Mondays and Fridays for two hours each day. The material is SO DIFFICULT but I try not to express that for fear of discouraging her. I’m figuring out how to be a teacher without giving answers or just telling her what to write….it’s quite the process but we enjoy a cup of tea and chat about my maps and my family before we get down to business. It’s great:)

Julia, a friend who works at the salon while she’s here taking care of her mom in the HIV/TB ward, and I are starting a women’s soccer team. Just a casual thing for now but maybe we’ll compete against other villages sometime soon. She is great, we’ve been hanging quite a bit. People in the ward actually call me “Julia’s Sirumbu” Julia’s white person- but I’ve been reassured that it’s a term of endearment.

Lindsey, (she and her husband are PCV teachers here) two other teachers and I just started an AIDS club that meets every Wednesday at 3:00pm. We’ll perform dramas about HIV/AIDS, teenage pregnancy and alcohol abuse, have beauty pageants as fundraisers, write songs and poems about helping people live positively, and educate the community on HIV/AIDS. These are their ideas from the last meeting; we’ve got a good group. Cultural note: dramas and beauty pageants are KEY in Namibian culture- they love them, every age, every gender, every situation dramas are a must. And there is always some sort of beauty pageant going on to raise money for the school, church, clubs, etc etc.

The working committee has taken on a project of creating a directory of services so our outreach to folks about getting tested for HIV, education on prevention and care, and basic counseling services is more effective. Most things happen at the spur of the moment or get changed around due to a million factors: death, injury, rain, the road being terrible so cars break down, informal gatherings etc. So a lot of my ‘work’ changes everyday based on what’s going on around me. And everything………………………..taaaaaaaaaaaaaaakes…………………………….tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I can’t stress that enough. Being patient and going where the energy of the community takes me is the most important thing to keep in mind. And putting my ideas and thoughts on the back burner because it’s now about what I want to accomplish it’s about the passion and ideas of those around me and how we can work together. I know, this is a ‘duh’ to a lot of folks but it’s a good reminder.

In my free time I read a lot, paint tea bags, make paper with my neighbors’ kids, study Rukwangali, and stare at the wall:) Soon that wall will have a map of the world, Julia and I are gonna paint one for fun, but right now staring blankly at it provides a unique comforting sensation.

I’ll end this post with two things:
text messaging is now free from 7pm-12am every day as a promotion from our cell phone service provider, this is AWESOME because calling costs way too much and internet is scarce and so it’s nice to be able to communicate with fellow PCV’s at the end of the day. I wanted to share an exchange between Amanda and I- after a difficult week we had the following ‘conversation’ and I’m grateful for her friendship and our connection during this whirlwind!

Me: “HI! Amanda, I feel like a little bit of the universe has shifted. In a good way”

Amanda: “how so?”

Me: “So I’ve had three pretty hard cries- all three have been different and have been new emotions. Monday after crying and talking with you I opened a new door in myself and thus this place and I feel like I made room for new kinds of connections. I feel like myself. The self others know is starting to shine through here now. I’ve met some people this week that I feel like I can truly connect with- don’t have to put on a Christian or boyfriend front, I can just be me, all of me. And people I’ve been working with for a month now are smiling in a new way this week and stopping by to hang or ask how im doing or just laugh with me as I stumble through this language. I’m internalizing what it means to be patient and gentle with myself- they are becoming more than words. I’m starting to feel whole again.”

Amanda: “Oh well that’s inspiring and incredible and amazing! You must embrace this and remember what it feels lie, looks like, and sounds like. You can come back to this place in times of trouble, if you want. And its growth and appropriate and necessary and honestly bound to happen because you are you and you’re embracing life in the simplest and most beautifully complex ways! Aha!”

Me: “I love that you said I can come back to this- that’s what I did today. Felt similar emotions like Monday creeping up and I hugged them. Didn’t shoo them away or say “get a life Sarah” or anything damaging I just smiled at them and watched them pass and prayed for guidance and wisdom and strength and perspective and I shut my eyes for a second and when I opened Tuulikky was walking towards me- first one to our meeting, an hour late;) and we sat together and laughed and talked rukwangali and I found out she is a twin and told her about your book I was reading and we ate corn and it was all so great- I made it work you know? Took ownership of my being and experience. I love that I can share this with you by the way, thank you.”

Amanda: “And this is what its al about and these aren’t just life lessons only connected to this experience but to life…all of it.”

Me: “Right, you’re exactly right, I guess I feel like I float between two worlds- one that understands lessons and mindfulness and growth through experience etc and one that isn’t real, nothing actually exists and we are just physical manifestations of something bigger and that leaves us powerless and part of a game, like chess pieces….and if I stay too long in world number two I freak out- so what do I strive for? Balance duh, the root of it all.”

Amanda: “yeah, you have to embrace the emotions and understand them and be very careful with the way you talk to yourself. Talked about this exact thing this morn….and yeah, girl with balance tattoo hee hee”

Me: “self-talk, ive been so good at that here, never before was I so gentle. You taught me that. That word sticks with me and im very grateful.”

And 2. The * from above:

“Go to the people.
Live with them.
Learn from them…

Start with what they know;
Build with what they have.
But with the best leader,
When the work is done,
The task accomplished,
The people will say,
We have done this ourselves!”
-Lao Tzu

Peace ya’ll,
sb

Cincinnamibia Lovin!

2008-02-26T08:33:00.000-08:00

sooooooo chaz and i at it again- made lentil burgers and hung on his porch this weekend enjoying one of Cincinnati's Finest: Montgomery Inn Bar-B-Que sauce!!

under pressure...then "getting a grip"

2008-02-26T08:23:00.000-08:00

I feel like I’m on a timeline. Are people are going to die on my watch? Of course they are, that’s ‘life.’ What’s the difference if they die on mine or anyone else’s? They are still dead. A new reality.

As tears well up in my eyes I look around my kitchen and see familiar faces. Faces of friends and family that rely on me for love, support, friendship, a laugh, a hug- not for survival. Not for food. Not for a net to keep mosquitoes away because of fear of malaria. The faces I see in my head when I’m supposed to be writing a proposal, facilitating a meeting, encouraging home base care workers- these faces might come with familiar smiles but their words are those of immediacy- of need, a need I haven’t come in contact with until now. I want to be rational, be a facilitator instead of a leader of a group, capacity building and sustainability are at the forefront always or whatever ‘work’ I do will fail. This is fine, I see the bigger picture but my constant question is: how do I convey this “bigger picture” through language and cultural barriers when people living with HIV/AIDS need food to take their ARVs? The big picture, the long-term goals- for some there is no long term. There is tomorrow; maybe.

Maybe not though- maybe there is a certain amount of egocentricity (not sure if that’s the word I want to use…) looming over me. These problems existed before I got here, they will continue when I leave- it’s not up to me to feed everyone and support every project….or is it? This is the struggle, the pull. The balance I can’t seem to find- what is my responsibility? To be like a parent? Parents always know what’s best- they have learned the lessons their kids will encounter, but the kids have to learn them on their own. You can only take them so far. So do I hold the bigger picture secret maneuvering through this process without expressing what I “know” and in the end they will figure it out? They look to me for answers, answers I don’t have. I couldn’t possibly have. I’m supposed to have the right questions though. I want to ask the right questions to pull the answers out of them; they know what’s best for them and their community. I’m an outsider- posing as the savior they have dubbed me: “Nana Sarah, we call you the mother of the solution to our problems” -Markus wrote that in my birthday card. [insert four letter swear word of your liking].

Surely there is a country song about ups and downs, highs and lows, how everything changes from one moment to the next. The unpredictability of it all is supposed to be the fun part right? That’s life….just heard from a friend- she writes “remember that life is much too important to be taken so seriously” I know she is right….but what does that even mean, really mean? The fact that I’m trying to figure out what it means negates my understanding of it. I’m supposed to laugh and go outside and look at the sky or something. And not think. But I’ll do that another day, now I’m just going to write. BUT I’m thankful for the reminder- it does not go unnoticed.

Another reminder- we are doing a job that has no rule book. The only way to succeed is to mess up. Maybe that is the same with every job but, well, I’m overwhelmed.

Amanda calls- I cry my face off- she compassionately says “get a grip.” Ok :) Sure, consider me gripped. Really, 24 hours later I’ve overcome another day. A lot of the pressure I’m feeling is self-imposed. Saying “no” and “we are partners” and “things take time” are the keys to navigating this ride successfully. In the midst of being stressed out, overwhelmed, feeling like I’ve screwed up big time I am greeted by acquaintances on the main road. These acquaintances soon become friends when they invite me for lunch and we eat off the same plate in the open market. We laugh about the mess I’ve made, share a glass of water among 4, plan to have a beer at 5 when we ‘knock off.’ And life goes on.

2008-02-20T15:34:00.000-08:00

A group shot of the UMYA--United Methodist Youth Association--I love these guys!!

2008-02-20T15:33:00.001-08:00

Sophia, giving me the peace sign for my mom:):)

2008-02-20T15:24:00.000-08:00

Sophia, the woman I mentioned in my blog:)

HERE TO SWEAT!!

2008-02-20T08:01:00.000-08:00

here is the infamous markus!! we were sweating this morning!!!

2008-02-16T06:10:00.000-08:00

over a month ago....this is just obie and i being weird:)

2008-02-16T06:04:00.001-08:00

in order from top to bottom...i think:

1. this is one of the buildings at our health facility 2. TB/HIV/AIDS "ward" many of the folks are homeless so they live here...3. my church- lutheran 4. principal at Nkurenkuru Combined School- notice writing on the board 5. two pics from my bday! margareth is in orange and anna mary is in white

2008-02-16T03:08:00.000-08:00

ps...IT'S MY MOMS BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOVE YOU MAMA!!!!!!!!!!

this post will be dedicated to the letter B- for bullet points:

a week ago i had my first moment where everything looked "normal" as in familiar. it's just my street. just my coworkers. just my neighbors. just my life. it was all familiar. and that was a great feeling

i'm in love with my region- it's so green, the river is amazing, and looking over to angola is such an incredible view

work is picking up quite a bit- i spent the weekend in rundu meeting with a bunch of organizations (mainly regional offices of the groups im working with in Nkurenkuru) and i now have a TO DO list larger than life: i cant wait!!

today was one of the most beautiful days i've had. there was a nice cool breeze most of the day- up at 6 from the sun coming through the open windows, out of the house by 7:30 to walk into town by the river, collected quotations for garden supplies for our community garden (in grant proposals you have to include price quotations from three different places for any items you need to purchase with your budget), i love rundu, greatest town in namibs!!!

yeah, im back on the upswing of this silly roller coaster. it feels good. i feel good.

more from me later, just wanted to post some pics and send out some hi's!!

2008-02-16T03:06:00.001-08:00

chaz and i at athletics.

athletics

2008-02-16T02:56:00.000-08:00

athletics: each school around the region competes in "athletics" around Feb time. the top kids go from their school competitions to a zonal competition, then to regional, then national and maybe even beyond that. it's a pretty great time to watch the kids go wild with their track and field events. fun fact: they have to build their own track first. they clear the field, take poles and line the 400m track then take cup fulls of powdered chalk and fill in the lines. it's hard to descibe the scene but check the pics.

2008-02-06T00:38:00.000-08:00

31/1/08

“Nane Sarah, waha roroka”

As feelings of anxiety rise to the surface of my being some much needed self-talk kicks in. I’ve become quite accustomed to this feeling as all eyes look glazed over, body language appears unengaged and apathetic and one voice dominates the discussion. The talk is big and the energy is sterile as we discus the “year plan” and how we are going to address issues of poverty, hunger, and disease. I daydream about introducing rose and thorn check-ins and closing circles as a way to unite the group in a new way- but it just seems like a far off concept and a little too hokey in a place like this. I come back to the point of the meeting, look around the room and try to remind myself that the stillness and blank stares are not uncommon- it’s a cultural phenomenon that I’ve witnessed many times. “Do they want to be here?” I’m constantly asking myself. It’s almost painful watching everyone around the table- they appear as if someone forced them to these seats.
As the two hours come to a close there is a little more chatter and input from around the table. We’re now creating a working committee and men and women are excited and/or intimidated to be ‘elected” organizer, spokesperson, secretary etc… We decide to meet every Monday at 2:00pm. I appear relaxed and confident in the groups ability but inside I’m wondering how we’ll ever move past the meeting stage.
Every gathering starts with a prayer and opening statements and closes with the same. When I speak only half of the room understands so Titus is always translating English- Rukwangali and vice versa. There is a tangible sense of pride as he understands and can communicate in both. Sofia stands from her chair to give the closing remarks. She is thankful for the coming together and sharing of ideas. She is excited to meet next Monday and work hard, she asks that the group members who are not present come next time and that everyone be punctual. I’m surprised by the extent of her comments as she was one of the blank stares- she then looks at me (eye contact is very rare especially in meetings) and she says “Nane Sarah, waha roroka.” ….Don’t get tired.

Day 11 on the job- 2nd official meting with UMYA- 5 words consisting of the traditional greeting between Sofia and myself and she saw through to my soul, my dot, and somehow recognized the need for eye contact and words that would cement our connection.

Waha roroka- I won’t. I can’t. It’s a reminder to dig deeper. Set aside my own judgments on how people should “appear” to be engaged and listening. Be patient with the process and help create space for dialogue. Encourage those who do speak up and empower those around the table to act on their words. Don’t get tired, don’t get stuck, “figure it out.”

UMYA’s chairperson Markus has created a slogan: “Here to Sweat.” He repeats it all day long and wants to make T-shirts with the slogan and sell them as a fundraiser. For our group members if you put in 10hours of sweating, working hard, visiting your home based care clients, tending to the community garden etc you get a free shirt. “It’s time to put the words in ink and on paper and then to sweat, to work hard” says Markus. Time to put our “money” where our mouth is.

Last night I was walking home from the store and Markus came to me in a slight panic. His regional supervisor called and is coming tomorrow for a meeting on Friday to review their year plans. He couldn’t find Titus, the other chair, and didn’t have a report prepared. I invited him over to work on my computer and we could print a report in the morning. His response was a heavy handshake, a grin, and he said “here to sweat!” We walked home and the gate separating the clinic to the path to my house appeared to be locked. I thought we were going to have to walk around through the bush but Markus took his index finger and removed the fake lock- looked at me with a straight face and in a very serious tone said “here to sweat.” Hahahahaha I lost it, this is a funny man I’m tellin’ you.

ps. my friend wil is brilliant- check out his blog: www.apoliticalwill.blogspot.com

2008-01-27T03:39:00.000-08:00

kitchen!!

2008-01-27T03:38:00.000-08:00

backyard, garden growing there soon- if you walk straight through the bush you'll get to the main road

2008-01-27T03:34:00.000-08:00

side view of my house, satellite dish is a fakeout:)

2008-01-26T16:14:00.000-08:00

5. sitting room

6. sitting room, the ministry of health supplied the stuff in my house

7. chaz and i making pizza!

8. my office, small group meeting with UMYA united methodist youth group

9. my bedroom, mosquito net and all, boo malaria

10. room

xoxxooxxoxo

2008-01-26T16:11:00.000-08:00

1. the end of the training talent show was amazing, chaz and i dressedup as willie nelson and julio iglesias and sang "to all the girlswe've ever loved before" it was a hit, some of the namibians didn'treally know what to think but it was still great:)

2. chaz and i

3. out my back window, people waiting for govt money under the "wait for your govt money tree"

4. hehe, it's raining here and the chickens were trying to get shelter against the wall thats out my kitchen window

5. sitting room

2008-01-25T05:11:00.000-08:00

I just reread these entries before I posted them and no, I’m not bipolar- the emotional roller coaster is just that intense!! Happy riding…

14/01/08 (happy birthday maryam!)

A new day, a new word document, a new house- now a home. The same ole me. I was reminded of that the other day when I had my first big cry. A friend, part of my ‘emotional immune system’ as Peace Corps likes to call it, sent me the following words:

“Just remember to be patient and gentle with yourself and your new life. But remember, it’s not 100% new….there are many things you know- about you, people, community, life, happiness, strengths, balance, struggles, laughter, supports, and love. And you have to trust yourself. Remember, sunshine is on its way.”

“remembering” is an important concept here- there are many times where I need to take time to reflect on where I’ve come from, what I’ve learned, the experiences I’ve had, and the people who support me in order to make it through the day, or the hour for that matter. In an attempt to be continually culturally sensitive, not ethno or ego-centric, and constantly aware of my surroundings and actions I fluctuate between confidence in my abilities and self and feeling like I have nothing to offer. Fortunately for the people of Nkurenkuru the latter rises up less and less frequently while I try to find a balance between doing and being.

Four days ago I walked along a tarred road with my fellow Peace Corps trainees towards our swearing in ceremony. We walked slowly there and slowly back as we tried to wrap our heads around finally becoming Volunteers and officially starting our two years of service. It’s hard to imagine that we’ve been here for two months, had so many ups and downs together and we are just now starting. Our bonds are deep because of being thrown into this country together and we are all experiencing a bitter sweet emotion as we have to say goodbye to one another as we travel to our individual corners of Namibia.

In my region, Kavango, there are a handful of 26ers and then 5 of us from Group 27. Chaz is about 60k away which is nice- he and I have become good friends and work well together so I’m sure we’ll be doing workshops in each others villages as a team. He is from Cincinnati and we know some similar people so it’s nice to reminisce on the familiar streets of home when we are together.

The swearing in ceremony was wonderful. It was extremely hot and pretty long but there was an empowering air in the room. It was televised nationally and one of the most amazing parts was when one volunteer from each language group gave a speech in their language. The Namibians in the room were loving how the Americans had ‘mastered’ their local languages and to hear the gasps and see the smiles when sentences came to a close was beautiful. I was filled with pride for my fellow volunteers.

My first night in my home Chaz was with me- he didn’t have a ride all the way to his site so he ended up staying for two days. Once you hit Rundu, the largest town in our region, there isn’t a paved road west so driving at night isn’t the safest idea. It was nice to have some company so we didn’t mind. We cooked Chakalaka- veggie curry and cabbage- and chapattis and then watched Holiday Inn! I watch that every year with my family during Christmas and so it was a nice homecoming to sit on my couch and watch itJ When I was here for my site visit Chaz was also around because the driver taking him from Rundu to his site was drunk, so he got out and stayed here before getting a hike back to Mpungu the following day. In Namibia if you are seen walking around alone or spending a lot of time with a person of the opposite sex it is assumed that you are romantically together. When I got back I had people greeting me in the streets then before we departed they would say “please greet your husband for me!” This is a tiny place- and most folks here think Chaz and I are married- in fact we were in training together too in Grootfontein and found out the entire town thought we were married too!! This is only funny/great because both of us are gay and that is highly frowned upon here, so it’s to our benefit that everyone thinks we’re together. We have fun with it and have stopped trying to explain to people that we’re ‘just friends.’ My supervisor actually put a big bed in my house instead of a twin bed “for the big man when he visits.” Hey, now I have a big bed so I’m not complaining!

There isn’t a whole lot of fresh produce inside our market but some women are selling goods right outside- what they have varies but I like to support them when I can. I bought some leafy green something the other day and decided to cook it last night. I think it’s a kind of cabbage spinach hybrid- ha, I don’t know and I didn’t know the rukwangali word they were telling me- I cooked it down with carrots, ginger, onion, green beans and some spices and it was surprisingly delicious! I’ll call it Somehow Cabbage Delight. We have a peace corps Namibia cookbook and so cooking/baking has become one of my favorite coping mechanisms. I’m trying a new recipe every night and Chaz and I are going to spend one weekend of the month sharing new things- gee, we are a cute couple aren’t we!

Work started today- at 8am I went to the health facility and met a new nurse fresh from UNAM (University of Namibia). Her name is Aina and she is also learning Rukwangali. We’re around the same age and both know few people here so we are thankful to have each other. I’m looking forward to spending time with her socially and with my work. I’ll be spending the next three months doing some heavy integration into the community and continuing with language practice. My days will be divided into three parts- community meetings with organizations and individuals, going through all of the peace corps materials that were provided for us to assist with our work, and two hours of language. I’m getting a tutor that I’ll meet with twice a week so I’m looking forward to where I’ll be in a few months. There are 8 different organizations present in Nkurenkuru all working on HIV/AIDS issues- TCE Total Control of the Epidemic, Red Cross, Sakulya Ngandu Sakulineya Youth Group, ELCIN Home Based Care (Lutheran church), Youth Home Based Care, Ketupuko Mapilelo Buddy Group, Life and Childline, and Community Counselors. Each organization is made up of volunteers, just 2 or 3 people and there aren’t any offices or buildings so for meetings they either use space at the health facility or at the Town Council. I’m having a community meeting Wednesday to meet them all again and to set up individual meetings so I can better understand what they do and they can share their expectations of my role over the next two years. My main focus is capacity building and sustainability of projects so that when I’m gone there won’t be a gap rather more equipped and empowered people to carry out their own objectives.

My first step in community integration was going to church Sunday. The Lutheran church is right outside my house so I walked over at 9:30 and greeted the elders and sat on the stoop with everyone until doors were opened at 10:15. The service lasted until 1:00pm. Around 11 Naomi called so I stepped out for a bit which I thought might be rude at first but when I came back I sat outside with two other women waiting to enter then 30 kids came from “Sunday school” and hung out with us for about 30mins before we were let in again. I think it was important to spend time with them giggling and having them stare at me- they will just stare and some touch my hair as if I’m an alienJ But we went in, the ladies saved a seat for me and a few minutes later I was brought to the front of the church by my supervisor to introduce myself….in Rukwangali!! My heart was beating out of my chest but I did just fine and am looking forward to spending more time there. I tried to make a joke and it flopped but I think the congregation will give me some grace…!

I’m in better spirits at this moment- moreso than the past two days. I couldn’t pinpoint my emotion but I embraced whatever it was and feel stronger in spite of the weird low I was experiencing.

17/01/08

So, the meeting went well. All of the groups I had met in November showed up and we were glad to see each other again. The meeting was quite long and inefficient but that seems to be the nature of the beast around here. I’ve got some energetic folks who know how they can utilize me and some others that I’m sure see me as someone they have to babysit but starting next week I’ll have individual meetings and we’ll be able to talk about what the next months will look like for all of us. My ‘office’ is something straight out of a horror film. Thank goodness I won’t have to be there in the evening, I’d be a little frightened. An overgrown plot of land sits outside my window and Aina and I are getting it cleared to start a garden with homeless TB patients as an income generating opportunity. I’m really looking forward to that. She and I also started a garden in my backyard tonight- we plowed and raked three plots and should be planting some veggies tomorrow. I live in a little compound so I’m hoping the neighbors will chime in and we’ll have a nice community garden going. My work day is from 8-5 with an hour for lunch at 1:00pm. The entire country shuts down from 1-2 for lunch and to rest. It’s pretty funny, I’ll spend a whole morning literally not doing nothing and at 1 my supervisor will say “oh you must go rest, you are done for the day.” It will be my personal challenge to integrate but not to a point of laziness- it’s easy to follow that direction and nap for the rest of the day in this heat! I’m sure things will pick up soon thoughJ

So my village is becoming a town. It is so exciting to be here during this transition time. There is so much room for positive development and so many possibilities for young people that I feel very lucky to be here. There are a lot of resources in the country for projects for those who mobilize themselves and I’ve already got folks looking to me for a helping hand. A few days ago in the midst of my sadness I thought two years seemed like forever but I’m sure it won’t be enough time to do all that we want to accomplish!! One day at a time….

Today there was a ceremony for the official opening of the Mpungu Constituency Offices. The Minister of Immigration and Residential Living (that might be wrong..) is from Nkurenkuru and she paid us a visit as the keynote speaker for the event. It was a really great ceremony and again there is so much to be excited for. She charged the youth to be the pillars of the community, organize themselves, ask for funds, and create their own projects. The good thing about such a big country/small town phenomenon of this place is that we can write proposals and mention her remarks and funds are “sure” to come our way.

After the reception I visited the other church in the town, a catholic church- it was nice to meet with the church leaders and I’ll be speaking there this Sunday. When we left we were talking a little bit in Rukwangali and a woman passed and I greeted her. I put out my hand to shake and she said no, picked up her things, and walked away saying something over and over. I asked my friend what she was saying and he said ‘oh she won’t shake your hand because you are learning rukwangali so fast that she is embarrassed!” she walked off into the distance and shouted from afar “ah, she has only been here four days and already knows more than me!” haha, now before you get too impressed, I don’t know that much but if you know even a little people are pretty impressed. She is an Ovambo and apparently they are stubborn with learning other peoples languages so she was quite impressed with me.

20/01/08

random fact: there are no landfills here- big ones. The system for trash is piles of garbage on the side of the road in the location and the municipality lights it on fire once a week. If you’re in a village there is just a large hole in the ground where you throw your stuff in…and light it on fire. Hmmm…

24/01/08

Hardest week yet. I’ve seen some things I never thought I’d see and felt emotions I never thought I’d feel. I knew pain, sadness, poverty, corruption like this existed in the world I just didn’t know when/if ever I would see it with my own eyes. Before I left I spouted off ‘facts’ from Peace Corps- “the first three months are great because everything is new an your energy is high and life is great, the next three are awful and you’re sad and overwhelmed, and before you know it it’s month 7 and you feel at home and are comfortable and content.” Ok, so our training was 2 months, it was ‘great and amazing’ now I’m on cycle number 2- the sad and overwhelming prediction is more than true. I’m finding new ways to cope everyday. One of my favorite coping mechanisms the past week has been to cry, all, the, time. Fortunately I’ve tested the waters with some of my colleagues and they have been able to provide much needed comfort. Walking out my door in the morning has become a challenge but once I can do that the rest of the day seems to happen, good or bad. Paralyzing moments have left me in small states of shock but I’ve been pulling from all the energy out there of people wishing me well and that has helped. I probably couldn’t get more vague but it is near impossible to describe all of the layers involved with seeing a mans brains coming out of his head only to be loaded into a truck to drive 30km down a gravel road to the hospital, or that the TB ‘ward’ doubles as the HIV ward, or that in the midst of bloody children and women with faces of gravel from a car wreck someone asks ME where gloves are….uhm, this is day five, I’m not really sure sir. Sickness and injury are everywhere but this is the first time I’ve been around such things in an environment that has no resources, smells like urine, and has roaches scurrying in between the bags of mahongu- people pay with that because they don’t have money…

My emotions have been all over the place. My supervisor was gone this week because his cousin was eaten by a crocodile. I saw him today and couldn’t keep it together. I’m not bawling all over the place but when I walk out my door no one knows me (which adds to the emotions) and I just couldn’t answer “im fine” to anyone else. He saw the sadness in my face and asked “what, did someone beat you?” he was serious. We went to his office and talked for an hour and a half. I’ve had some ups and downs with him but he was surprisingly compassionate and comforting. He told me all of the horrible things about the health facility and funding obstacles and other roadblocks to providing care and assured me that if I give it time I’ll get used to the conditions and situations and I’ll be stronger like everyone else. Then he suggested that as a volunteer I could connect them with donors to get renovations. I didn’t have the mental or emotional capacity to explain that it’ll take more than paint and computers to ‘fix’ a place/system like this. We just set up a meeting…

So, I’m in the midst of all of this and attempting to write a job description for myself. I have three months to feel my way around this place and see where I best fit in. So far I’ve been asked to assist (do) on projects such as create a bike co-op that will provide transportation for home based care health workers tending to homebound persons living with HIV and bicycle ambulances, building a youth center that will have a soup kitchen, ARV center, a few garden projects to help support PLWHA (people living with hiv/aids) because they have to take ARV’s on a full stomach but don’t have any food, teach colleagues how to use computers, create income generating projects, renovate the health center of course, and yeah, maintain sanity. I still have five groups to meet with but I’m not committing to anything yet, just seeing where the energy is and how we can all work together since the issue is the same. I facilitated a meeting with UMYA (United Methodist Youth Organization) the other day- that was definitely my rose for the week, like Peter says, small groups are the only way- there were eight of them and that’s exactly what we did. For the first discussion I had girls and guys mixed and the women didn’t say a word- I divided them men and women for the second round of questions and you couldn’t keep them quiet! We had a dreaming session and are just planting seeds right now but the group is brand new and I think I’m going to work with them a lot. BUT…we’ll see. One day at a time- this week it was one hour at a time…

Now that I’m settled I think I’ll be able to make it to a computer once a month so I hope to have shorter but more frequent posts.

I’m sending your way and hoping in return love, gratitude, hope, compassion and patience for one another and our world.

2008-01-09T18:13:00.000-08:00

three more pics from new years:)

my buddies:
1. amanda, catherine, me
2. emily, amanda, me, obie
3. chaz, me, obie

2008-01-09T16:02:00.000-08:00

1. first rainbow i've seen in namibz
2. kids gettin me to carry water on my head:)
3. my running club!

My running club.....I have wanted to run, and since I look quite different from others in the town, I have little people following me:) Our running club was complete with situps (counting), pushups (saying the ABCs), curls ("Pick up a little one and lift them" -- a child:) and squats ("put them on your shoulders")!! One morning I had 21 kids meeting at my house at 7:30!! When I get to Nkurenkuru, I will definitely begin one again:)

New address:)

2008-01-06T05:23:00.000-08:00

here is my new address:

Sarah Buffie
Peace Corps Volunteer
P.O. Box 6115
Nkurenkuru
Namibia
Africa

Keep those cards and letters coming!

2008-01-05T17:23:00.000-08:00

happy holidays everyone!!!

im in grootfontein with my host family for language and technical training for the month. it is wonderful here!!

pics: my host sister Gia in pink and our neighbor Mo who comes over every day, my little baby sister Leni in yellow, and then the one with us eating: my host mama in green hat sussanna, gia, leni and my friend anna mary- we are eating dinner outside, all from one plate, porridge meat and a spinach dish....it's wonderful!! you pick up the porridge in your hand roll it into a ball and scoop up the other food:)

lovin every minute!!!
peace
sb

2007-11-29T02:24:00.000-08:00

yahoo!!

finally some pics on the blog!
1. sunset!!
2. beautiful sky and tree on the walk to the river
3. hippos in the river...the five dots you see!
4. old fashioned donkey car
5. me outside the heatlh facility dining hall in nkurenkuru
6. my first batch of handwash laundry!
7. my bebe's first smile:)
8. my bebe
9. these are my favorite kids....e v e r. the one in the red dress is my bebe and i took some other pics of her above from my cell phone...i still dont know their names, i cant understand what they are saying, probably because they are 2 and speaking 2 year old rukwangali but i'll know them soon:)

nkurenkuru

2007-11-23T23:41:00.000-08:00

oh mercy. i've just spent five days on my permanent site visit in Nkurenkuru. check it out on the map, it's west of Rundu right on the boarder of Angola and Namibia and the Kavango river. the other night i met up with my neighbors scott and lindsey (two pcv teachers in my village....well i guess im in their village now;)) and ben who lives 10k east to walk to the river and watch the hippos. i have some amazing pictures that i hope to load soon.

i love my village. it is soon to be a town- which means the road will be paved and huts will be moved to the outskirts and cement houses will be built- oh development. we'll see tho, it's a long process i suppose. i do have everything i need there- a few food stores, an open market, wholesale store with appliances, furniture etc. i live right near the health facility compound in a small two bedroom place which is a bit dodgy at the moment but once i get a hold of it will be awesome:) im allowed to paint it so i'm looking forward to that. i have running water and a sink outside for laundry- chickens are running around my yard and im hoping to plant a little garden- there are so many new things im going to try while being here- im sure my garden will fail at first but i'll persist:)

i've got some favorite kids already, no, jadyn deven delany- they havent taken your place- :) i love them though, they dont speak any english and get really annoyed with me when i just repeat what they say in rukwangali but whenever i leave them they are shouting mbaa!!!! (bye) and when i show up in the morning they are waving profusely and running to greet me. the little ring leader finally smiled the other day:) it makes me a little sad because i wont be back there for good until January so i had to have someone explain to them that i'll see them in a month. but even more sad is that they are patients at the TB ward and i guess it's not guaranteed that they will be around when i return anyway.....it's a small town, im sure i can find them if i try hard enough.

i celebrated thanksgiving with scott and lindsey and a zambian family on thursday. and now i am in rundu with 12 other pcvs for a t-day bash. we even have turkeys!!!! a guy who did peace corps with the 12th namibian group has a hostel/bar/gym/pool here and hosts thanksgiving almost every year for pcvs in the area. so we are all crashing at maggies place and enjoying company and good food tonight.

im walking miles each day but eating the most ridiculous food so we'll see if i get nice and plump by the end of the month. when im in my regular routine im sure things will settle down. :) i hope to come back to the internet soon and load some pictures- my eyes cannot open wide enough for all there is to see.

i had a pretty hard day last monday but everyday since has gotten progressively better which is overwhelming. but positive.

i love namibia.

HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-11-12T09:02:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: Everything posted on this blog is solely the opinion of the author. None of the content is representative of the Peace Corps organization.

J= smiley face that didnt copy and paste from my comp:)

Official address

Sarah Buffie
Peace Corps Office
POBOX 6862
20 Nachtigal St.
Ausspannplatz
Windhoek
Namibia

HELLO WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Below are some entries I have had on a word document but have been unable to send because this is the first time I made it to the internetJ enjoy!! And bare with me….

11/6/07

And so, I am here now. Here with my computer- in Okahandja. Sitting on my bed with my roommates, listening to some music while I write. It has been 8 days since I have been gone- 8 days since I used this computer- 8 days since I have used a cell phone- 8 days I have been in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. 8 days I have been here and it feels like a lifetime. A lifetime that I never want to end. Namibia- I am conscious of the fact that I will have hard times ahead, but already I know that Namibia is a place that will be home forever. My heart swells with happiness in this place…IT IS OFTEN HARD TO CONTAIN MY JOY!!!!!!!! J J J

We are in Okahandja which is about an hour north of the capital Windhoek. We are here with 69 of us, Peace Corps trainees and 15 Namibian trainers. Namibians are beautiful people. They are so warm and everyone is always saying ‘hallo” and shaking hands and generally caring for one another. Right now we are kind of in a bubble because we are at training and everything is new and we are walking around in small groups sometimes but my friend Amanda and I have gotten a good deal out into the town and the Location that we’re able to get a little slice of ‘the real world.’

It is hard to write sometimes- I’ve been trying to keep a journal but, I’m telling you- so many things are happening, big and small, that it is hard to wrap my head around or possibly have you feel the same things through my writings. But I promise to try and stay connected. I wish so many of you could be here. Not for me, but for yourselves, and the world. For so long Africa has been shapes on a map, stories in a book, smells and sights in a store, pictures in a magazine or displayed for me by Hollywood. But now, now I am living here. Not visiting, but living, and loving Africa as a place, not a destination.

So, how about some stories?! We are all learning Afrikaans at the moment. Amanda and I are learning a bit of Herero and Khoe Khoe- in a few months I should have at least greetings and simple phrases in a few of the languages. There are 13 Namibian tribes each with a different language.

Today we went on a walk and in the brush there were hundreds of woodchips surrounding 3 carvings. Big carvings from the trees- a giraffe, rhino, and an elephant. - no one is around, no shop, no woodworking place near by- just these carvings. We don’t know who did them or where they came from but it is quite an amazing site.

Another amazing thing: the sky at sundown. You are surrounded on all sides of the sky with bright orange and pink!

Amanda and I have hung out at the trainers’ house a few times- the ladies are hilarious and are so great with answering our questions- whether they are ignorant, profound, about historical Namibia or cultural norms- they are so kind and funny with us.

11/09/07
My English is already a bit silly- you might have noticed in reading this, maybe not, but we are all having a hard time with words and sentence structure and basic speaking skills and thinking and well, everything that requires brain capacity because we are being exposed to SO MUCH and our brains/hearts/minds/souls are a bit on overload. Amanda and I are blaming the malaria pills for some of our ailments….such as the sudden (small yet notable) loss of hearing and the “inexplicable fits of weeping” as mentioned in the medical handbook under the heading of cultural shock. ha! “It fails to mention increased sensitivity to fast typing noises” –bear (my other roomie made a note of that the other night). But you see this entire sentence doesn’t make any sense….what’s to blame? The malaria, the meningitis shot, yellow fever, rabies? Africa? Small children putting old juice boxes on their feet as shoes….resourceful, eh. Shit. I love them. I love this.

Kids writing their names in my little red language book…..ah it seems like this is the only reason we are here. You open to the page they wrote in, each of their names side by side and accompanying their penmanship are dirt smudges from their little fingers. Kennedy is the oldest of the crowd that usually hangs out with us and we’ve appointed him ‘tour guide.’ He’s always showing us where things are and telling stories about Namibia- or just giggling. There are 13 peoples of Namibia- one group is called the San People, Kennedy is a San boy-

BIG NEWS TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

I just found out what region I’ll be going to- Kavango Region!! It boarders Angola and is very close to Botswana and Zambia- well ‘very close’ compared to Ohio or IndianaJ Check it out on a map….Northeast corner of Namibia. I still don’t know what my site will be but I’ll be leaving in a week for Community Based Training and my home stay. We all leave our training site and travel to our different regions- so now we are learning our different languages and I’m learning- officially now, RUKWANGALI!!!!!!!!! So, I’ll have a bit of Afrikaans under my belt but will now dive into Rukwangali.

11/11/07

I’ve been adding to a word document to keep track of some thoughts so when I get to the internet café I can just copy and paste my blog. The café is only open during the day until 5:00 and we are in training between 8-5ish each day. And it is conveniently closed on the weekendsJ and sometimes it just doesn’t have access to the internetJ sooooo if you’re finally reading this it means I skipped lunch to connect with the world!

Time is so crazy here. I feel like I’ve been gone forever and when I think about things going on at home I realize it’s only been 2 weeks.

Yesterday we had a GREAT cultural day. Our trainers come from all over the country to they each have their own traditional customs, ways of preparing food, dress etc. After a discussion about gender roles in Namibia we all met outside in a small field where we started cooking and sampling food from every region. My first food was similar to a bag of potato chips: except it was a plastic bag of 100 tiny dead fish. But they just felt like crisps! Eyes and all…I tried a few and then we actually cooked them up like we were supposed toJ over an open fire we put them in a pot of a little water, oil, salt and stirred ‘em up until they were ready to be put into a pot of spinach. I also ate cow stomach, sheep cheek, cow liver, antelope, beans, porridge (that you can chew because it has sand in it from the way it’s prepared so the enamel of your teeth will erode of you eat a lot, and porridge is a staple around here so you just have to mush it against the roof of your mouth), a drink with fermented somethings- I have no ideaJ we dug a hole in the ground and put the bucket of the drink in there to keep it cool- more sand in the mouthJ what else, I pounded maize, ate fresh bread, and we had some dumplings. Let me make a note about the sheep cheek: A delicacy here is called a “smiley.” That’s because when you cook a goat or sheep head the skin is pulled back tight and the animal appears to be smiling in the pot! So when it is nice and cooked Stanley put it on a plate and took a fork and started digging into all of the meat. By the time I got over to smiley he was digging at the cheek so that’s what I got to taste- delicious. OOOOOhhhhhh and there were two chickens…that we watched someone kill, then we put them in hot water and plucked off their feathers. I was holding the chicken’s legs while plucking and the way I kept moving it around the toes of the chickey eventually wrapped around my arm and startled me! Pwetty punny….so then the chickens were cut up, insides were taken out and washed and yes, everything was eaten.

This is just the very beginning of the foods I’ll be trying, loving, and eventually cooking myself one dayJ And yes, I have had loose bowls since I arrived but no sickness or anything to that extreme…hahaahahaJ

The Location- I mentioned the Location up in the second paragraph- let me explain that: Because of Apartheid racism is extremely rampant around here and separation is no joke. During Apartheid people were separated by ethnic group: Whites live in town, Coloureds live a little bit outside of the town, Bastars live further outside and Blacks live further, in the Location. In 1990 Apartheid ended and Namibia became an independent country. So we are living and working in a country that is essentially 17 years old. After Apartheid folks have started to integrate a little bit more but still every town has a “Location.” The idea is divide and conquer- if the different ethnic groups were separated they would not be able to integrate and learn from each other. I’ll try to write about it in more detail at a later time- it is still hard to wrap my head around everything.

That’s all for now. Feel free to call anytime or email or send lettersJ Saturday we leave for our site visits and I might be out of internet or phone access for a few weeks.

Love and peace to you all.

Sb

and off we go!

2007-10-30T10:23:00.000-07:00

now to continue on the road i embarked on 6 months ago. i'm in the passenger seat now - not driving just yet- along for the ride- the only thing i can control is my attitude.

yesterday we met at 1:00 and started the registration process. up until my time through the line i thought i wasn't actually going to leave. i thought they would tell me my paperwork wasn't complete or my medical clearance hadn't come through. but i passed through the line easily and that night i finally slept solidly for the first time in three weeks.

before i arrived in DC i felt "prepared" for this experience. after meeting everyone and sitting in training sessions i, thankfully, still feel this way. my time with public allies solidified how i was raised and i'm confident that i'll survive: by the way we're talking about safety and health, survival is what im looking to accomplish. they kept congratulating us for coming back after breaks, or showing up in the morning! our trainers wanted to reiterate the fact that sometimes opening the door and leaving your place will be a huge task and you need to be proud of all success not just things the outside world might deem successful.

today i was up and in the fitness center at 7:30- my dad and naomi were little birds on my shoulder telling me to actually get out of bed and get some physical activity! After a small workout :) i showered and headed downstairs for breakfast and day two of training. we discussed more safety issues, threats and risks, how to manage our health and safety, watched a video of current volunteers and how their service is, and then went over some logistics.

tomorrow we checkout at 5:00am, there are 70 of us in this training class so it will take about 2hrs to load buses and head to the clinic. our shots begin at 7:30am and we then head to the airport where we'll board and then finally, 12hrs later leave at 5:00pm for Jo-berg South Africa. We've been advised to not leave the hotel once we arrive in south africa because we're not in a safe area- so no worries mom and crew, i'll be getting in a bed as soon as i can because a 12hr day on top of a 15hr flight will surely wear me out!!

On nov 2nd we go to Windhoek, Namibia and then take a bus ride to our training center in Okahandja. For two weeks we'll do language training and interviews in order to place us in appropriate sites. health volunteers (we have health and education volunteers in our group) will be placed all over namibia where education folks will be in the south. week 3 we are all dispersed to our potential permanent sites where we'll stay with a host family and continue training. we land in our permanent sites on Jan 9th and are official peace corps volunteers beginning jan 10 (right now we're still trainees).

sooooooo enough logistics. how am i feeling?!?!?! GREAT!!!!!!!! this is a perfect fit. i feel happy, confident, humble for this experience, and anxious. the missing of friends and family hasn't COMPLETELY set in, of course i miss all of you but im still on a high for this entire journey.

our directors want us to let everyone know that we will not be able to communicate via internet or phone until EARLIEST Sunday nov 4 so dont look for a new post until after that date...im sure i'll have A MILLION THINGS TO SHARE!!

one final thought: i got a pair of earth shoes before i left and they are AMAZING. fashionable, and functional:) hehehe, i rarely am able to combine the two- usually i head for function and i look like a weiner.

and here is a quote i'll leave you all with:

"if you want to go far, go alone,
if you want to accomplish something, go together."

peace,
sb

wrap-up

2007-10-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

this is for joyce, since i slacked soooooooooo much on wrapping up my new orleans trip!! ;)

well that chapter was closed in the middle of september. my time there ran out as i headed back to indy/cincinnati to settle in before i shipped out for the peace corps.

living in new orleans and being surround with such beauty and devastation landed me on a constant roller coaster. one that i would have gotten on if given the chance again. i cant imagine a better preparation for the peace corps than time spent at EC. i learned so much about myself, organizations, grassroots efforts, leadership, integrity, racism, classism, courageous conversations, and choices by being at EC. i'll leave my reflections aside, those are better for one-on-ones, if you are curious feel free to send me an email: buffiesh@gmail.com

the past two months have been a whirlwind of goodbyes, packing, prepping for two years away, coffee and lots of dinners from friends. IF YOU BOUGHT OR COOKED ME FOOD OVER THE PAST 2 MONTHS THIS LAST MESSAGE IS FOR YOU:

1) thank you soooooo much, your generosity will never be forgotten
2) i gained 10 pounds since being back from nola:)